Struggling to get help

[Doolhof]

I know this is a place where we are supposed to encourage and support each other, to offer suggestions of where help may be received and to try to be positive in our experiences of reaching out for mental health guidance and care.

Unfortunately that has not been my experience for a long time living in the country.

My GP kept telling me he would make an appointment with me to do a mental health care plan. That took about 6 months. At an appointment I basically told him I needed help, could he please do the plan that day and not make me wait another 4 weeks for a next appointment.

The psychologist he recommended sent me an email stating with the information the Dr had written in the referral she was unable to assist me. She had not even met me!

Wait another 4 weeks for another Drs appointment.  A new psychologist was recommended, I had to drive to the city for this one. Had to wait a couple of months for an appointment. My appointment was to be on Thursday this week. Received an email from the psychologist stating "due to changes in his circumstances he is no longer able to offer me sessions".

I go to the local hospital and am told "the Doctors are too busy seeing more important patients to be able to see you".  The Nurse/Sister actually stated that to me over and over.

Looks like me and my sick mind are just going to have to keep trying to support myself until it doesn't work any longer.

[Doolhof]

Hi Eagle Ray,

Once again thank you so much for so kindly offering suggestions and strategies that may help. I have made a note of the different things you have mentioned here and will Google them later.

I knew I  was not coping very well this morning so I packed some lunch, put on my walking shoes, made sure I had plenty of water and gathered up my note book and various self help books including one on Christian suggestions for the spiritual one on self care (in relation to well-being other than bubble baths and cups of tea) and the notes I printed out on the weekend.

 The weather here was glorious! I drove to a conservation park I had hoped might be a bit quieter than others I visit. I tried to accommodate the traffic nose and concentrate more on the birds. I had a glorious walk amongst tall gumtrees loaded with a variety of birds.

There is a picnic table in a grassed area. I sat there and had lunch then took out my note book and materials. My mind was not in the right place to tackle answering any of the questions presented in the printed material. I read through it all, contemplated a few ideas and then let that go. I made some notes of what may help from the other material I had brought along. Then I packed it all away in the car.

I walked along the pathway going the opposite direction this time. I sat. I listened. I welcomed in peace. I lay down on a huge tree trunk that had collapsed. I had taken a few photos. I can look back on those.

I have returned home feeling a little unsettled again so I will consider what has been the trigger and how to process that. Time for a cup of tea. I have a book handy if I need a distraction for a while beofre I am ready to process and consider my thoughts.

Thanks gain for the recommendations. I  have been diagnosed with complex PTSD, BDP, Depression, Stress and Anxiety I know they are conditions, they are not me. Sure make life interesting at times though! 

I'm really pleased I took the time to visit the conservation park and to have stayed there for so long trying to look after myself.

Thanks again for your insight and understanding.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Dools,

I’m glad you had the glorious weather and a lovely walk. It sounds like a good idea taking the self-help materials out with you too. It kind of opens up a different space being out in nature while digesting the info. But at the same time a good idea to only reflect on the materials as much as it feels helpful and then let it go and just be present with your surroundings.

I don’t know if the things I mentioned will be helpful or not. I feel it’s important to always follow your intuition about what works for you. I found out about those things through my own research and they resonated for me, but I know everyone is unique and has particular things that work for them.

 I agree with you 100% that we are not our diagnoses. For me it’s complex ptsd, depression and anxiety, but I know none of that is my essence as a human being.

Once again I’m so impressed with your efforts at self-care. You show a lot of tenacity and resilience at finding a way through. There’s a spiritedness in that that seems like your super power. I’m working on finding a balance between a profound need for rest at the moment and then re-engaging with the world when strong enough again. I feel like those of us with complex trauma often need a fair bit of recharge time, and time spent in nature can be so good for that.

I hope you have a restful evening. I’m slowly learning myself to just allow unsettled feelings if they arise and be curious without judging them. That often helps alleviate them actually.

Take care and wishing you the best.

[Doolhof]

Thanks Eagle Ray,

I appreciate you sharing strategies and ideas that have helped you. As you mentioned, we all need to find solutions that suit our own needs and requirements.

Being curious about unsettled feelings and not judging them is certainly something I could become more aware of and practise in time. Wishing you well on your journey.

[Doolhof]

Yesterday

I had a hot shower, dressed and had breakfast. Made the bed. Thought about going for a walk but didn't manage to get out the door. I cleaned the patio.

I tried to Google some information. I looked at the folder with the work sheets and information in it and put it back on the table. Reading some of the work sheets confuses me, I don't understand my way of thinking and need help to sort that out and comprehend how I can make beneficial changes.  I read a novel. I had lunch.

In the afternoon I had to go to the post office. I then went for a walk. I read some more. I cooked dinner and did the dishes after.

Part of me feels like I could have achieved so much more. Worked on my mental health recovery. Made an effort to participate more in my own restoration. Part of me is thankful I managed to make it through the day. 

I still have not found the courage/gumption/enthusiasm or what ever it is I need to contact the psychologist.

[therising]

Hi Doolhof

You are such an inspiration, such an incredibly proactive person. It's so easy to do so much when we've got all the right energy happening. Much much harder to achieve through activity when we're feeling  next to no energy with which to be active. I think sometimes it's productive to say 'Under the circumstances (next to no energy), I have performed nothing short of a miracle today'. Technically, that can define us as 'a miracle worker' in some sense.

Feelings are just so important, so incredibly important. To feel the smell of coffee when we walk into a cafe, to feel the smell coming from the magnolia flowers we may pass by or to feel the smell of our favourite meal being cooked for us or the smell of the perfume we bought which was the one our beloved grandmother wore involves charges from aroma therapy.

To feel the sight of young love (holding hands), the sight of the first tomato amongst our home grown tomato plants or the sight of no bills in the mail can also be incredible. To feel the taste of too much salt on our meal (repulsion), the taste of a sherbet bomb lolly (a pop of excitement), the taste of the first coffee for the day (peace) is what it means to come to life through a sense of taste. To feel the touch of our hands coming together in prayer or meditation, the touch from our hair being brushed or the touch of the sun on our face and hands at 10am (coming from the solar systems biggest fireplace) can be sensational, full of sensation. To feel the volume of sound coming from our favourite CD on a great stereo system we gifted our self, to feel the sound of words given to us through a sense of pure love, to feel the sound of silence (no demands) can be invigorating or relieving. 

Sometimes I think while we are born to feel, not being shown how to feel can end up being so cruel. Here we have an ability to connect to life yet the channel through which we can feel everything remains underdeveloped in some cases. I can recall some years ago the thought 'I don't know how or what to feel anymore'. What came to mind after that were the words 'Has anyone shown you how to feel?'. The simple answer was 'No'. Ever since then, I've been working out how to do it really well. At 52, I've still got a lot to learn. How to get a really good feel for things and people, how to stop feeling when I need to (emotional detachment), how feelings work on a mental, physical, chemical, soulful and telling level (what they're telling me) and the list goes on. Just so much to learn through the gift of feeling.

[Doolhof]

Hi therising,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and expressing your enlightening comments about feelings. I also appreciate your statement about being a miracle worker. Some days it is really hard to find that get up and go when you feel like you are in the bottom of a dark pit curled up in a ball.

Your comment about not being shown how to feel resonated with me. There are so many things in life we are not shown or instructed about. It is so difficult to navigate a confused mental health state of life when you are struggling and have little comprehension of how you came to that place let alone how to move on.

I am realising and accepting past efforts have not been beneficial or successful. Different days I may need contrasting strategies to assist myself. 

Your discussion about feelings reminds me to be more open and aware to what is happening around me, being more accepting.  You have also provided me with a realisation of how and where I can gain a greater sense of being connected. 

At present I am struggling to find a sense of self worth and purpose due to  erroneous negative thinking, discounting my abilities and no doubt other unhelpful ways of thinking. Once again, if we are unaware that is what is happening how can we change? 

Today I choose to try to be a miracle worker in my life. I will accept what I am able to achieve and strive to push myself a little further in my recover efforts. If that becomes too much, I will be accepting of that fact and consider my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

Thanks for another angle to look at. Regards to you from Dools

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've just had a huge revelation, reading through the work sheets I recently printed out, I was drawn towards one about "Resentment" . I have just been Googling resentment and how to deal with it. 

I've made notes and will re-read them later. I received some revealing and illuminating truths while researching! My goodness me I have help on to some issues and situations I had not realised affected me so deeply and profoundly.

I've giving myself a rest now and will return to working on ways to find a sense of acceptance, forgiveness and ways of  releasing past resentments! Time to let go and to cleanse myself!

Wikipedia had some information information to read through as did other web sites. 

[therising]

Hi Dools

That's excellent, a revelation that creates a shift with the potential to remove some massive blocks. I so hope you feel some flow that begins to come to you in a variety of ways.

Mind altering revelations can be such beautiful and liberating things 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi therising,

I Googled all kinds of meanings for "Resentment" and realised I was harbouring so many examples of those words within my heart mind and soul and had been doing so from a very young age.

A psychologist tried to explain to me that as adults, we can be trapped in our child like understanding and comprehension when traumatised, even though we are no longer children. 

Understanding resentment, and trying to dismantle it, combined with all the emotions, thoughts and feelings tied up with it may be quite a journey. At least I now have a starting point that resonates and makes sense to me. One chapter of the story I can work on for now.

Just making the connection was a revelation, now for some liberation as you stated!

[therising]

Hi Dools

I thrive on revelations and find them to come as such a relief. I love the feeling of being on the right path out of where I find myself at times that can feel so unbearably challenging. Two revelations I think about involve 'resentment' and 'disappointment'. A third revelation relates to our entitlement to redefine words to suit us in ways that make a positive difference. With 'resentment', I think about my relationship with my husband. So many ups and downs with more downs that ups in these latter years. I think about when things began to become challenging in our relationship and how I'd send silent emotions his way whenever I'd feel so sad and let down. I sent them and re-sent them and re-sent them and re-sent them, over and over. I'd feel the pain over and over, believing if I projected these feelings out to him it would relieve my upset in some way. In my mind, I'd send him anger and feelings that reflected the pain I felt that I wished he would feel, just so he would better understand. Eventually I realised with so much emotion that was re-sent time and time again, I continued suffering through those feelings. The suffering began to ease when I redefined 'disappointment'.

I'd given him all these roles to fill - the romantic, the white night/my saviour in times of depression, the adventurer, the dreamer who was my partner in long term vision, the enthusiast with energy and someone who just loved to wonder about so much, someone with an open mind. Then when I began to disappoint him from every one of these roles I'd given him, that he refused to accept in one way or another, the disappointment process finally stopped. The roles that were left became more real and I stopped re-sending feelings that related to expectations that were never going to be met.

I don't see it as 'lowering the bar', I've simply come to see it as moving forward through giving release or letting go of a channel of emotions that can hold so much pain. Can take years to alter what runs through such channels. Of course, a little faster through the help of research and much needed revelations.