Struggling at work

[Keira2]

Hi,

So this is what is going on: In late 2017 my colleague resigned. We had both worked together on a particular job, and when she resigned they didn't get a replacement for a year so I was doing the job that used to be done by 2 people on my own. I went downhill very quickly under the workload, working crazy hours including some 16 hour shifts occasionally. I don't think people showed understanding that the job used to be done by 2 people and it seemed I couldn't do it well enough, the environment started to feel bad. Then when they finally did get someone in to help I had problems with her. I was still working really long hours, and it was really upsetting me to see her spending a really large portion of her day chatting and even taking 1.5 hour lunch break. I eventually began to show my annoyance and then things got even worse and everyone at work pretty much hates me. Things have been bad at work now for about 3 years. I am struggling very badly when I am at work with negative feelings. The feelings are so bad I think I need to end the pain and I am starting to plan that. The workload has decreased due to Coronavirus but I am struggling mentally and I can't get out of it. And before this so many things have gone wrong, it feels like everywhere I go people hate me and look down on me, I wouldn't even have the guts to reply to any ones posts as I would just think the person would think badly of me / what I say.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Keira2,
 
Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your struggle with us here. It sounds like you're really trying to manage with some difficult work challenges and find yourself thinking about the negative feelings you are experiencing.  Please know that you are not alone in this time and that there is support available to you. We’re available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636. Our friends at LifeLine (13 11 14) and Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also there anytime of the day or night. 

We hope that our wonderful community can also offer some support to you but in the meantime, we have sent you a private message and hope to hear from you soon. 

[smallwolf]

Hi Keira2,

firstly it takes courage and strength to post here and share your story. The people here are supportive and non-judgemental. So please do not think anyone would think badly of you - nobody would know what it is like you you unless they walked in your shoes.

I will tell you a little of my story... I used to work from home for too many years as a software developer. Over this time people would quit or resign for whatever reasons. My workload also increased. The way I coped with that was working more hours than I should have. But when you work from home the work/home boundary blurs. I also had to deal with the customers whose issues could not be solved by support as well. And I had to coping strategies. Internally the environment could be toxic and outside it typically was.

Recently, I was watching a video on YouTube - the person was talking what to do when in toxic work situations. She also acknowledged the current situation as well saying to get your resume up to date, searching out contacts, etc.

As for you mentally... I would suggest you have a chat with your GP about your thoughts and feelings and look for some sort of help - from friends, family or professionally. Your work should not make you question your value or life. (I also thought that nobody liked me either... when I talked to someone in my church community, someone told me how much I am loved.) Or mind plays cruel tricks on us.

I hope you will come back to share more of your story. Perhaps I can walk part of this journey with you?

Peace and comforting thoughts.

Tim

[sisu100]

Hi Keira2,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story, I know it must have taken a lot. Like smallwolf has said, this is a safe and supportive space- we will not judge or think badly of you. Instead, I’m sure many would appreciate hearing your input, so please do feel free to join in on other people’s posts if you feel up to it.

It sounds like you’ve been having some intense moments at work for the past few years and I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve been having such a difficult time. Ever since your colleague resigned, you’ve shouldered so responsibility to manage the workload all alone (even working ridiculously long hours to get things done) but it seems like your other colleagues didn’t seem to even appreciate your effort. Even when they did get someone else in, your situation hasn’t improved and this has taken a big toll on your wellbeing. It sounds like the negative feelings and environment at work have been really overwhelming and distressing for you. I’m hearing that you’re experiencing so much emotional pain you don't think you can cope, would that be right? I agree with smallwolf – work should not make you question your value or life. You are so strong and resilient to have put up with this for the past three years. Please do know you don’t have to deal with this on your own, we are here for you. We’re here to give you as much conversation and support as you need, so please don’t hesitate to reach out.

If you’re comfortable in sharing, how are you feeling today? I too would love to hear more of your story so please feel free to check in and let us know how you're going whenever you are up to it.

[Keira2]

Thanks Sophie_M, Tim and sisu100 for your replies, really appreciate it. It helps very much. Hope you are all well.

I don't feel great, I feel like it's best for me not to be here, but if I do anything that messes things up for my mum and sisters. It is torturous. It feels disgusting, my life is such a mess.

[smallwolf]

What makes it feels disgusting?

That might not be the word it I use for my situation... In my early regardless of how hard I tried it was never good enough. And this is something that happened in my work life as well. With any mistakes I made I would go back into my younger self of "see you are not good enough. what they said is true" etc.

While you might have shown your annoyance, I kept it inside. Growing.

Talking with my psychologist I find ways of handling these situations better.

Sorry to hear you do not feel great still. There are ways you can find a way to move forward, even if slowly. And if can steal a line from my psych.... it is about rewiring how our mind thinks.

Listening to you,

Tim

[sisu100]

Hi Keira2,

Thank you for checking in with us, it must have been tough to do so, given everything that is going on at the moment. I’m so sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such negative feelings. It sounds like things are really tough and overwhelming at the moment. Please know that you don’t have to do this alone, we are here to work through this difficult time with you. If you would like to post further, please feel free to tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this.

[Keira2]

When I am at work, I feel so bad, I just want to end the pain. Not coping at all, can't concentrate or do my job any more. Don't think I can keep doing this much longer.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Keira, thanks for continuing to share your story here with us on the forums. We're so sorry to hear how upset you are, it sounds like you're going through a lot of painful emotions right now. Please know our community is here to get you through this difficult period. How can we best support you here on the forums? What are some of the thoughts going through your mind at the moment? We're here to listen. 

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you. We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Please keep checking in with us. 
 

[Pumba293]

Dear Keira2,

Keira2 said:When I am at work, I feel so bad, I just want to end the pain. Not coping at all, can't concentrate or do my job any more. Don't think I can keep doing this much longer.

It must be so difficult for you to feel all these heavy things, especially when it seems like the world is against you. I'm so proud of you for being here, for taking the effort and for breathing. It's tough work carrying the workload as your own, since it is quite literally double the work you are capable of. Don't beat yourself up over it. You are doing the best you can with the tools you've been offered.

I understand a little about how guilt or shame may plague you once you've started to lose focus at work and motivation seems hopeless, but I want you to know there is more to this life, if you give it a chance. Your mental health comes first, always, remember that. Please don't ever feel disgusted or that it's best for you to not be here. Nobody who knows you truly would judge you by your outer efforts. Your job forced you to bite off more than you can chew, and that's not okay. You're human, so please be more kind towards yourself, no matter how difficult it gets.

I keep a jar filled with sticky notes of all the things that made me happy, I'd write on a sticky note any time something good happened, like my favourite TV show got a new season or I ate my favourite food today. Maybe finding a way to incorporate something similar at work will help you get through the day a bit easier.

Stay safe,

Pumba