struggling again.

[random]

(I'M SAFE!) I'm just going to post a TW before getting into this, I know I'm posting this to the suicide and self-harm discussion but I just want people to have this as a trigger warning incase something I say is distressing, I never want to hurt anyone, so if this might be upsetting to you, maybe scroll past this. I'm posting this for the people who have viewed my account and seen my posts, but I'm also posting this for myself as I find it difficult to find someone I can talk to about all of this. Recently I have been really struggling with self harm and I was trying anything to stop myself from actually using something bad. But I guess the way I was trying to cope was doing more damage then good. I didn't consider what I was doing to actually be self harm but now thinking about it, it might have been. I was fine with what I was doing until I realized that it could be considered as hurting myself, instead of trying to cope. If anyone has seen my recent discussions, they would know the whole reason I stopped self harm was because I had a panic attack and told my mum about it. I didn't stop to try and get better, I stopped because I knew that if I did it again I would have to tell her, and I didn't want to break her heart again. But, I had another panic attack when I saw all the bruises and red scratches I had given myself by doing other things to myself. I told my mum and since then, I hadn't done anything. She's trying to get me as much help as she can but it's near impossible to actually get any sessions with a therapist around my area. I think the reason I'm coming on here is just to vent because I don't know what to do. I use a rubber band but it just never feels like enough. I want to know if what I was doing was actually self harm or if I can continue to use that as a coping mechanism. I still have really strong urges and I don't know how to control it anymore. I know it isn't healthy but are there any ways that I could help myself that actually would feel similar to self harm? Or is it just breathing exercises and mindfulness. Because I don't know how much longer I can cope like this. I don't know if I'm crazy and I wish I never started because I didn't realize how horrible this addiction would be. Can someone please respond with any coping mechanisms I could use, or if what I was doing was really wrong?

[white knight]

Hi Random

My answer might not suit you. I've only self harmed once, in my mind post the event it didnt make any sense so the logic side to my personality completely discounted it from there on. That's not to say I dont understand your thinking mechanisms around that addiction.

For me there is a habit I've developed that has now inground itself into my psyche. Helping people or helping the world. So this forum is 80% of my helping people, but locally in my own way helping to make others happy . Most times it involves a poem praising someone in the local Facebook community pages or newspaper. The other - helping the world, might be as little as building a bee house, a bird house, planting a seedling on a naturestrip and so on. For me this gives me purpose and sometimes its anonymous.

But Random, you might need to find your direction in similar ways. I dont know the answer to that, its an individual thing. What I do know is that you're kind and thoughtful but that isnt enough for you to remain at peace.

TonyWK