strong urges

[Tamrby]

i have been clean for almost 2 months now, im super proud of myself, but after not really thinking about it for days I will randomly get really strong urges? AAh i know its probably normal but its really not fun, anyone got any tips to deal with urges?

[Sophie_M]

Hi Tamrby,

It's good to see that you've made some connections with some of our community members. Seeking help is a good idea - it sounds like you're struggling at the moment. Please know that there is always support available to you.

We would urge you to get in touch with Kids Help Line. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

If you are interested, we would also recommend getting in touch with an organisation called Headspace. Headspace is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 and they offer a wide range of services. They also have a group chat on their webpage.

It may be helpful to have a read through one of our threads, "Instead of harming myself I now...". This page is filled with ideas by other community members like you, who use, or have previously used, self harm as a negative coping strategy.

Thank you so much for reaching out here. Please feel free to keep us updated here whenever you feel up to it.

[Here2Talk]

You’re right, it doesn’t have to be a professional. The problem with parents is that a child is often so precious to them that they are afraid to just have an honest chat.... we all see our own view of the world and hope that our particular view can be used to help others. You’re right, it can be anyone - if you happen to be in a spot to see a professional though, definitely give it a go. They can help you sort through your problems in a more objective way. Even someone who isn’t an adult can be a really protective force. Do how close are you with your friends? Do you have any you could really have an honest chat with?

[Tamrby]

My friends are a bit tricky, I tend not to burden them too much as we are all teenagers and have their own struggles, mines seem little compared to theirs sometimes, I have two friends that I'm very close to and talk about these things with.

[Here2Talk]

You know what? I also had little problems compared to others - no poverty, loving non abusive parents, no bullying really, but just basically no friends, nobody to talk to except my parents - which were great, but like you’ve outlined above they aren’t always the best at understanding. In the end problems are as varied as people.

You seem quite wise and caring: not wanting to bother your friends. If you can though, and you can trust them and they can maintain what you say in confidence, it can do wonders. We know that meaningful relationships with others does reduce pain and suffering, so if you’re in a position to take advantage of deep conversation then by all means, take advantage of it - only you can be the judge of whether that’s appropriate.

Also if I’m not stepping over boundaries here, are you male or female? Depression is much more common in females, and particularly tends to hit teenage females hard.

[Tamrby]

hi, no worries I am female and i dont know if this has anything to do with it but I go to an all girls school and every now and again some girls will harrass me, film without consent, and possibly cyberbully me and my friends behind our backs

[Here2Talk]

Aw my dear that’s terrible. I was going to say that social media can also be quite bad for teenage girls. Yeah it could be a bad culture at your school. Girls can be very vicious at bullying, inducing sadness in others, whereas I guess to generalise, when boys bully, it’s to assert dominance and induce fear - although it’s not like all boys and girls bully in this way.

that would definitely make life difficult for you, I’m so sorry to hear that. As long as you need it you can talk to me on this thread 🙂 How long has this been happening for?

[Tamrby]

as long as I've been in highschool me and my friend group have been underdogs but it only became a big issue from year eight onwards, I've also gone to the principal about the on going homophobia at my school. It sounds like this school is horrible but the school itself is okay it is the culture as you said, I'm moving schools next year for year 11 and 12 as the school I go to now only goes until year 10 so I 'm trying just to get through it but idk how much more i can handle.

[Tamrby]

also i'd like to thank you so much for listening just talking about it helps

[Here2Talk]

It’s my pleasure Tamrby.

I think that’s one of the reasons talking with certain people helps. With family and certain friends, they are really so stressed out about what is going on that they’re inadvertently actually trying to suppress their own worry, rather than having the primary’s goal of helping you gain an honest understanding. This is completely understandable - you mean a lot to them, so it is very threatening when you are psychologically distressed. I have two young children of my own, so I understand this now- their wellbeing is as big a goal as my own . However, you may still be able to talk to them, it can just be.... different from talking to someone that has a little more distance and perspective.

So I think talking is good for this reason, and talking to someone with a different perspective can help you sort out two kinds of problems - problems with your thinking/mind (this is what CBT - cognitive behavioural therapy) treats. But the other are problems in life, such as stuff you’re doing that’s not helping, or in your case, people that actively undermine your desire to live a psychologically fulfilled life. It’s very complex, but that really passive aggressive stuff like filming and cyber bullying really is a form of evil I think. And so problems like that are difficult to manage, because there’s an element you can’t control. For me, most of my issues have been self generated (due to my own thought patterns and brain physiology (an exception has been my social anxiety, which is unpredictable too, because you can’t control other people, but at least with that kind of problem nobody is purposely trying to harm you. When other people are the cause, you’re never going to be able to completely predict what to do.

I’d be happy to keep talking to you as long as you need via this thread. One of the downsides is that via messages there is a huge lag and you don’t get the psychological benefits of presence with another human. But you do get someone who truly cares about you, even though they don’t know where you are or what you look or sound like. And essentially honest conversation like this has the dual benefit of caring which is vital for human flourishing, and helping to solve problems in a way less clouded by emotion.

So I guess that sounds good that you’re changing schools next year, I’m sorry it’s not sooner. Do you know if your friends will be following you to the same school?

[Tamrby]

yeah most people from my school are going to be there, but i think the culture of it is totally different and we will be mixing with boys as we are all currently at an all girls school, that will be interesting for some but maybe it will give the people who harrass me something to do ahah