I don’t know what going on

[Her]

I just turned 18 and I don’t know what’s happening. I have often had some bad thought since I was 12 and I have attempted twice before and failed . Yet still I haven’t been noticed but my family, friends and even my therapist. My mum find a way to make my depression into hers and blames me for what I can’t control. Stuff like being unable to keep the house clean. I can tell my friends because I don’t want them to think of me differently. My therapist who I go to even couple of weeks seems to think it’s not serious. I feel like it is. I downloaded the beyond now app to help me through the hard nights but when I had to put down people I can talk to and reasons to live I felt very stumped, ultimately making me feel worse. I daydream a lot and I have managed to create my own world that I go off to when I don’t like this one. I sound like a weirdo but it’s what I do. I have an imaginary friends that I can hear at times and faintly see. I don’t think that’s normal but my therapist makes it out to be. So ultimately, according to everyone, I’m perfectly fine.

[therising]

I think it's definitely challenging when no one is as wonderful as we are, when it comes to wondering why we work the way we do. A quest for self understanding can be packed with so many questions and such an enormous amount of wonder. It can feel lonely when we're the only one seriously questioning and wondering.

As a mum to 2 wonder filled kids (18yo son and 21yo daughter), both of them have faced their frustrations, trying to work out why they struggle so much in a number of ways. While my son's academic and focus struggles led to an assessment of high functioning autism a couple of years ago, my daughter's desperation led her to a diagnosis last month of ADHD. While I can appreciate a clinical diagnosis and how that can help with greater self understanding and the way forward, I also look at who they naturally are and why they naturally struggle.

I must admit they're both a little like their mum. All 3 of us are highly sensitive people and this comes with unexpected challenges. Kinda like if you can sense a variety of inner dialogue, it can sound like a group conference happening up there in your head at times. The kid in you can be saying 'You have got to buy this', while the financial manager in you can dictate 'You can't afford it'. Then can come the inner critic, 'You're hopeless, you're never going to save', while the sage can be insisting 'You need to stop being so hard on yourself'. I think one of the tough things about inner dialogue comes down to choosing how we're going to label it. It can be about what we choose to imagine or believe it is. Some people will imagine their inner dialogue is coming from some aspect of self, such as their inner sage. Some will imagine it as divine guidance (with this kind of guidance known as clairaudience), some will imagine it's their fully conscious mind talking to them and others will imagine a whole variety of different things. Whatever it is that we choose to imagine or believe in is not a problem, as long as it serves us. It can become a problem if or when what he hear doesn't serve us so well, like with our brutal inner critic chatting away up there in our head with a whole lot of depressing stuff.

There's a possibility that not everyone around you is as conscious as you, therefor they don't feel the need to find answers like you do. For example, you could say 'While I'm conscious of the fact I can't keep the house clean, I want to become conscious of why I can't. I want to become conscious of what's stopping me from achieving simple tasks'. The unhelpful feedback may be 'Stop making excuses, just clean up' or 'You're just lazy' or 'You don't care enough' etc. None of it offers a valid answer for the struggle, as to why your brain won't let you clean. Part of it may involve having to work with what's boring, not getting any dopamine hits out of it (our brain thrives on dopamine), not being led to see a lot of positive reasons for cleaning (such as developing a skill set for life), being easily led to distraction (by what's more exciting) and so on. My son has a truly brilliant imagination, which is part of the reason for his focus issues. He struggles to stay out of his imagination because it's pretty amazing in there. He has an incredible mind. To override his imagination is a challenge when it comes to cleaning.

I imagine you're incredible and pretty amazing. Based on what you say, I also imagine you're desperate to know how you work but no one will tell you. Greater self understanding can be a challenging path to take but once you step foot on it, there's no going back. The thirst for knowledge grows.🙂

[Her]

I guess it’s happening again I’m not sure. It usually does this. The ups and downs r getting to tiring and I’m not sure how much longer I can stay like this. I have my notes written out but I’m not sure what’s gonna happen. It’s really all just a waiting game now. I feel like I would have had a happier life if I didn’t get stuck at this workplace. But then I remember that iv always felt like this. Stinging pains in my chest and the inability to snap out of day dreaming. I’m going insane. Not long now

[Croix]

Dear Her~

Welcome hear, I'm sorry you are feeling so down. I also relate to other people not even noticing, but then I never did tell them how I really felt. Still it did make me feel more insignificant.

I find Beyond Now very useful however there is a temptation to think one must complete it all quickly. For example it took me a year to find a 'reason for living', before that I left it blank.  Also putting in friends can be tricky. The best I could manage was people I got on with, though more social than confidants. It does help to talk wiht someone, even if not about waht is happening to you. It can give you a lift or let you feel less alone.

I found the main advantage was that when set up it is a no-brainier. When I'm down I really don't have much brain power left to make choices, and Beyond Now lays everything out easily.

The most useful section -at least for me - is 'things I can do for myself'  It is packed wiht things that  can distract me or give me a lift, from music to YouTube comedians to favorite books, not to mention taking the dog for a walk.  Your things will be different of course.

I had help, someone close to me helped me remember what I had enjoyed or been distracted by -something I was bad at remembering. It also is a living list, sometimes I wear somthing out -like the Stones 'Paint it Black' and I have to find substitutes (Hell Broke Luce by Tom Waits) at the moment,

I do need to be specific as I cant be bothered making choices, and here I just let it go with exact songs and singers like 'Via con Me' by Paolo Conte, not just 'listen ot music'.

As for having an imagination and creating a world, I do that too, though mine is a place rather than people, a seascape and storm that reminds me there is more in the world than I imagined

I wrote about it to someone else here

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/ptsd-and-trauma/stuck/m-p/20067/highlight/true#M1253

Croix