Not suicidal just not super happy

[50WV]

I feel so frustrated at the minute I cannot find any motivation to do my job. I am letting people down and I don’t want to but I can’t find the energy. It takes everything I have at the minute just to get through the day. I recently broke my back (can still walk but in constant pain) I quit a toxic job with nothing to fall back on. I owe a bunch of money to the ATO and my mortgage is about to double in a few weeks. I am trying to stay positive but struggling to keep up this facade. I think I’ve suffered from ptsd for last 2 yrs after my brother attempted suicide and feel like there has been a downward spiral since that I’ve struggled to come back from. He is my closer friend and I found him after he'd attempted to take his life. I guess I’m writing this to vent but also in the hope that someone reading this who is thinking of doing something extreme reads it and realizes your decisions have knock on effects to the people who care about you and you might think you are being a burden but know from someone who has had to deal with this trauma your friends and family will be far more burdened by your absence than anything you could put them through at the moment. 

[Sophie_M]

Hey 50wv,

Welcome to the forums. We are glad that you are here. You have been through a huge amount over a short period of time and it completely understandable to not be feeling your best and to be experiencing PTSD symptoms after such a distressing event.
Thank you for your generosity in sharing your perspective of experiencing a loved one attempt to take their life. This is not a perspective we get to hear from often, and your words are powerful.

Do you have some good supports around you? What you have been through is a huge amount to carry on your own, and you deserve support. PTSD can be all-consuming and can certainly impact our everyday functioning – such as you are experiencing with your work.
If you ever wanted to reach out and, you can talk to Blue Knot about this on 1300 657 380, every day between 9am-5pm (AEST). Their counsellors work with people who have experienced complex trauma. They also have some resources on their website which could be useful to visit, particularly the pages on Survivors Self Care.  

You can also talk to the lovely Beyond Blue counsellors about this at any time on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat.   
 
Thank you again for your courage and strength in sharing your story. We hope this can be a safe and supportive space for you.
 
Kind regards
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear 50WV~

I am very sorry to hear about the circumstances of your brother's attempt and the effect it has had on you. Under the circumstances it is not unusual.

You are quite right, the effect on family and others close ot the deceased suffer a whole raft of emotion and and pain. Shock, grief, loss, anger, the 'what ifs' , betrayal at not been trusted enough to talk things over wiht  - and so much more.

This is to look at it logically, however speaking from my own experience at the times I've tried to take my life I have not been thinking logically and did not know if I loved anyone, or even if I was capable of love. Depression and other illnesses had narrowed down my perception until all I could see was a mountain of tihngs that could not be fixed. Hopelessness. Yes I did think my family would be better off wihtout me, but that is becuse I believed I'd caused all the troubles and was worthless.

I thought these ideas were my own, however they were put there by depression (though I knew no different) and were in fact completely wrong.

My family, like you, explained afterwards they would have been shattered, and that would have remained with them all of their lives.

The thing that saved me was telling somone else which lead to proper treatment as well as family support, so I'd suggest if anyone gets so overwhelmed they wish to take their life they tell someone and be surprised, as I was, how much better things become as you are doing the telling.

I hope your brother is in a better situation now.

I know I've not answered all your problems, my apologies, I've just tried to speak wiht you about one. I only hope between your experience and mine someone may reach out and let their life take a different course.

Croix

[50WV]

Thanks. Yes that is a good point that these a logical thoughts, where someone in this frame of mind is not thinking in a rational way. Thanks for taking the time to reply and share your perspective. I was just having a dark day ( which happens infrequently). I am in a far more positive frame of mind today. 

[Resilience21]

Hello 50WV

My heart goes out to you, for so many things are happening in your life.

You might not be aware that you are a VERY strong person.

I believe HARDSHIP comes to those who can face it ... and then

ultimately we grow from it.

                           "First it hurts, then it makes you stronger"

                                                                      Albert Einstein

I admire you being able to express all your feelings described

in your post. Once you know which feelings and situations

you are dealing with it is much easier to take positive ACTION

to change things. By making small changes, the bigger changes

will follow naturally.

I have been in a similar situation with my Mother when I was five 

years old. It can take a long time to overcome TRAUMA and I found

help in counselling and with my Psychiatrist. I also started writing

a book about the trauma which I have experienced and WRITING

helped me tremendously to menheal the very deep wounds and trauma.

What if you stop trying to put up a facade and just be your beautiful

self. Be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. If one day you don't 

feel good, so what, there will always be another day. BUT, recognise the

POWER to change your life around lies within you. 

SELFTALK can be incredibly powerful. Don't listen to those thoughts which

are trying to tell you ... I am tired, I am on a downward spiral, I have no

energy etc, what the mind thinks ... the body delivers. 

Talk to your thoughts and say NO, distract yourself and choose more

helpful thoughts instead.

Regarding mortgage payment I saw this article last night:

The Australian Securities & Investments commission says borrowers in

financial hardship are entitled by law to seek assistance from lenders.

Hopefully this helps.

Cheers B