So very sad again and can’t tell anyone I’m having suicidal thoughts

[Lea-nne]

I was really sick in 2018 and was hospitalised for 3 months after significant trauma and an attempt to take my own life. I pulled together but seem to have relapsed again. I’m travelling for work and away from my husband every week. I’m a professional in an executive role and everybody thinks I’m okay. I don’t know how to tell people who think I’m ok that I’m not. I can’t get over this overwhelming sense of sadness and the feeling that I don’t want to be here anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Lea-nne,

Thank you for sharing here. We can see that you are going through a lot right now and we are glad that this can be a space to talk about it openly. 

It can be so tough when we feel that we must put on a facade to the outside world when we are not feeling okay. It can also be scary to think about telling others that you are not okay, but you deserve to have support during this time. Even something such as "I am not feeling my best right now" can be a good first step. 

If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can speak to us on webchat here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.  

If you have a GP - It sounds like it could be a really good time to them on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[smallwolf]

I'm truly sorry to hear that you're going through such a challenging time. It takes immense strength to open up about your struggles, and I appreciate your courage in sharing here - I am aware this is an anon space, but this is a good a start as any?

Your feelings are valid, and I want you to know that you're not alone. While you work away from your husband, are you able to the talk with any friends, family, or a mental health professional. Does the group you work for have any roles or persons you could talk to?

You don't have to carry this burden alone, and there are people who care about you and want to help.  Your well-being is important, and I'm here to support you in any way I can. Listening if you want to chat some more.

[Lea-nne]

Thank you , your kindness means a lot. 🥹 

[Lea-nne]

Thank you sophie

[smallwolf]

hey there ... just checking in to see how you are going? if you want to talk more, I'm listening ...

[therising]

Hi Lea-nne

An enormous amount of credit to you with you having worked so incredibly hard to come so far since 2018. Based on so much hard work and a huge amount of self understanding gained at times in our life, there can be a belief along the lines of 'I'm going to be okay. I've now got many of the tools/skills I need in order to manage. I feel I could handle just about anything' etc. Then, all of a sudden, things change and we're not so good and we can't manage as well as we originally imagined. Personally, I find this when new challenges and triggers come up that I've never had to face and manage before. Then it's kinda like 'What's wrong with me? Why can't I cope? Life was meant to be getting easier (based on all my work, skill development and greater self understanding) not harder'. Btw, they can sometimes be new challenges related to old issues.

Would you say one of the hardest things to work out involves figuring out what your triggers are that you're facing? Spending time alone for periods can produce a lot of challenges. Just a handful of many

• Having to manage certain facets of self, alone. While the excitement seeker or comedian in us can be a joy and so easy to work with, the same cannot be said for our harsh inner critic or some other part of us that can feel so incredibly depressing or stressful. It's horrible, some of the stuff that comes to mind at times through these facets, really brutal and cruel inner dialogue
• Being alone with certain feelings can be another factor. While people tend to see feelings as 'angry, sad, happy, lonely, frustrated' etc, I've found getting a more precise handle on them can help make greater sense of exactly what I can be feeling. For example, while 'sad' is a general feeling, 'Lost, without any sense of direction' may be a more precise feeling that can be felt. Going even deeper than that, depending of just how lost I am, 'Completely alone in the darkness (of depression), while not being able to see the way forward, while standing still and not evolving in any positive way' can help explain exactly what the sad feeling is really all about (a depressing lack of vision and a lack of soulful progress, without guidance and support). In my opinion, a sense of guidance, support and progress is fuel for the soul
• While I've become more of a soulful gal at 53 (as a way of managing periods in depression), I don't discount the involvement of chemistry in natural feelings. Without feeling healthy levels of oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin for example, we can feel a lack of them. We can feel a lack of love and sense of belonging, a lack of positive excitement and motivation and a lack of peace. Feeling a lack of chemistry, while alone, can be a seriously intense next level challenge

Life can definitely feel like a bit of a Goldilocks experience. Whether we're feeling the side effects of too much of something, a lack or not enough of something or we're feeling what 'Just right' feels like, feeling our way through life would have to be one of life's greatest all time challenges. The most important thing to remember is it's okay to say 'I'm not sure what's wrong but what I do know is...I just don't know how to do life at the moment'. Finding a guide to lead the way in the dark is equally as important, someone who can see for us, especially when it comes to the next step. ❤️