So tired of this

[GreenEgg]

It’s my birthday tomorrow and I’m dreading it. I don’t know how I’m meant to celebrate being here, but of course I can’t tell people that or they’ll worry.

I feel exhausted, like I’ve got so long left before I can. And in the meantime I have to pretend to be a person when I can’t see any future and I can’t really remember a time that I have.

Work and health has been bad lately and I’m thinking about it more. I haven’t been having impulses yet, but where I’m at right now seems so familiar. Like I’m just on the edge of a bit of a meltdown.

I feel bad that I periodically post here. I don’t really know what I want from if, and I wish I could help others more. I often just don’t know what to say, or what I need. I think just writing helps a bit because I don’t talk about this to anyone in real life. So, sorry if you’re reading. And thanks.

[therising]

Hi GreenEgg

Never any need to apologise when life feels so unbelievably tough. I can relate to that need but I've learned over time that being able to feel what can be so incredibly depressing at times isn't necessarily a fault or my fault. In other words, it's not our fault we can feel what's actually depressing.

While it's tempting to say happy birthday, given how you feel I'll instead say welcome to your new year. What it's going to look like is hard to tell at this stage because it's only the first day of your own personal new year on this earth. Btw, if there are 2 days out of the year that can definitely act as a trigger, they'd have to be New Years Day and our own personal new years day (our birthday). Kinda triggers the internal dialogue that can be summed up as 'Where have I been and where am I going?'. Prompts a bit of orientation with the ultimate question 'Where the hell am I in my life right now?'. With you mentioning the edge of a meltdown, it leads me to think of a time where I was so lost and someone said to me 'You're on the verge. The verge is like a cliff's edge. There's no going back, you can only go forward. As you stand on the cliff's edge, with what feels like nowhere to go, look up and out and survey the landscape in front of you, new territory. This is where you'll be heading. Take your time, no major rush. At some point, you will need to take a leap of faith because you can't be standing here forever'. I can remember thinking 'How the heck am I meant to navigate through a place I've never been before, my future?'. There's no map, no sense of direction and no guide, which technically can lead to the feeling of being so unbelievably lost. It's a horrible and fearful feeling at times. I eventually realised it's all uncharted territory, never covered before, therefor if I get lost it's not my fault. I'm doing my best to find my way. I also came to realise it's so important to occasionally ask for directions and that means finding the right kind of guides.

I've found there are 2 types of guides, really good guides and really bad guides and then there are people who offer no guidance at all. Really good guides are ones that'll help us navigate through a lot of really challenging emotions, mindsets/beliefs/perspectives, inner dialogue, situations etc. Really bad guides or ones that offer no guidance whatsoever are the kinds that say stuff like 'Get over it' or 'You're too sensitive, you need to toughen up' or 'Stop overthinking everything' and so on. With the 'You're too sensitive...' comment, what these kinds of people fail to realise is some folk navigate best through their senses. It's not about 'toughening up', it's more about 'coming to our senses' or learning how to use that inner compass that allows us to gain a better sense of where we are and where we're heading. Kinda like 'I can feel/sense myself heading into depressing territory here. How do I manage this kind of territory?'. With the best support possible under the circumstances.

As you take a leap of faith at some point, you'll find yourself on a new path. The question is 'Which path will it be?'. Could be the path to greater health. Whether that's mental health or physical health is up to you. With either one, it could involve a long path, a step by step kind of experience. Depending on what physical health issues you're facing, who are your guides going to be? A GP, a dietician, someone in the field of pain management, a personal trainer at the local gym or someone else? Maybe a team/collection of guides.

When it comes to vision, personally I'm a gal who relates best to metaphors because I can see more easily (in my imagination) through metaphors, like with that cliff's edge, surveying the land, navigating new paths etc. There are times where I find if I can't see, it's because no one's led me to be able to see. How are we meant to become seers if we've had no relatable training when it comes to developing such a skill? Not sure if it will help but with the birthday celebrations, perhaps try looking at it as the people who are celebrating are celebrating you having made it this far, all the way to the verge (of change).

[GreenEgg]

Thank you so much, your reply really meant a lot. I read it at the time but wasn’t quite up to replying, but I came back yesterday when I wasn’t feeling well at all again. 

I’m a feeling a bit better now though, and wanted to let you know that I made an appointment with a new psychologist. It’s in a couple of weeks but I might see if they can book me in earlier if there’s a cancellation.

I was thinking about what you said and how I’ve been feeling and I feel like I’ve just been stumbling through life a bit. I place all these pressures on myself and I feel like I don’t even know I am let alone where I should go.

I have this job that stresses me out beyond belief, but why? I kind of just fell into it. I have this apartment but why? I don’t really like the area, I can’t have a pet here. I love animals.

Maybe I just need a change in scenery and to go a few steps back. I’m just scared a bit that I’m really just running, and no matter what I’ll come back to the same problems because it’s not really about work, the apartment, or anything else and it’s about me like I’m the issue in all of this

[therising]

Hi GreenEgg

Sounds like progress, finding your guide. I'm hoping your psych is a brilliant guide and is able to shed a lot of light for you on the path ahead. Personally, I thrive on revelations that lead me to think 'Ahh, that's why I feel the way I do!' or 'That's why I think the way I do. It all makes complete sense'. I hope your psych is someone who can offer you a lot of those moments. I like to think of these kinds of people as 'fast trackers'. While it could take me months or even years to reach certain revelations, fast trackers can have me reach those revelations within days or a matter of weeks. Definitely not a fan of slow progress, as it can become depressing at times.

I think we hold the ability to work out who we are based on what brings us down. Just about everything that brings me down tells me who I am, just as the things that bring me joy also tell me who I am. So, from one extreme to the other (with 'depressing' at one end of the spectrum and 'pure joy' at the other end), it can be about getting a feel for where something sits with us on that spectrum. For example, a living environment that's feels okay but not great sits more toward the low end. A living environment that I can feel bringing me incredible joy sits at the extreme top end. I feel extremely closed minded people sit at the low end for me and wonder filled (wonderful) open minded people who lead me to wonder sit at the high end. A job that's basically satisfying might sit around the middle of this emotional spectrum and a job that does nothing but bring out the best in me (through constructive challenge and enjoyment) sits at the high end. So what this tells me is I'm someone who thrives in a specific kind of environment, with specific types of people and in a specific sort of job. Anything else is just depressing or kinda heading that way. Being a feeler can be a little like a Goldilocks experience, getting a feel for what's right, what's wrong and what has no feel at all to it. How or where we feel our self sitting on the emotional spectrum tells us who we are and what we love. I think sometimes a part of the challenge can involve committing to who we are, as opposed to letting others dictate who we should be or what we should be like. It's like how someone could jump from job to job and then be told they're 'irresponsible', when in fact they're simply not wasting any time in jobs they don't like. They're technically sampling jobs in order to find the one they best vibe in. The people who tell them they're irresponsible will typically be those who have been in the same soul destroying job for years and 'You just gotta suck it up', 'Life's not meant to be easy' and 'No one likes their job'. I believe it's the job jumper has the healthier perspective out of the two.