Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll · ‎23-06-2020

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

Bbydoll · ‎23-12-2020

Thank you Sophie. Unfortunately my Christmas plans have been canceled due to my brother and sister in law being unwell. (Not covid); but because I'm immune suppressed -they don't want to pass it onto me. I'm going to be reading and watching dvds over the next 2 days. Due to being stressed I've been binge eating which isn't making me feel any better.. it's making me feel worse and I'm fat and bloated. I'm also retaining fluid which means my kidneys are also not working properly. Going to have an early night. And a hot shower. It's ironic; I often offer help to my friends out but none of them ever support me - even just listening to what I'm going through.

Sophie_M · ‎23-12-2020

Hi Bbydoll,

That's so upsetting to hear about your Christmas plans - it seems like that most people's plans are being disrupted, either directly or indirectly, by COVID19 this year. And the feelings of being bloated must also be adding to feeling worse physically; a hot shower seems like a really nice way to try and manage that.

We hope that you can enjoy your shower tonight and that you will also be able to find some hidden gems in what you're watching and reading over these next two days as well!

Guest_1055 · ‎24-12-2020

I see what you mean by the Cherry blossom trees. I just had a look at a few. They are absolutely beautiful. There was a line of them all pretty and pink. Wonder if they grow in Australia well? Can you speak Japanese at all?

And can you visit with your brother and sister in law via zoom or something similar? And your with your mum at all?

The suffocating feeling you mentioned does sound like a bit like the heaviness and stormy thing that has been happening to me. Though today and yesterday was a little calmer.

What is the autoimmune illness you experience? You may have mentioned before though.

Is the swelling in your feet and legs, does putting your feet up help. I use to work as an enrolled nurse so I am remembering when patients had swollen feet and legs, we helped them raise there legs up into a foot stool. Also they wore these white stocking things to help with there circulation.

I better go as the dishes need to be washed up.

Guest_1055 · ‎25-12-2020

How are you today Bbydoll?

I wanted to let you know you popped into my thoughts as I was singing a song a few minutes ago. The song I was singing was an incredibly encouraging one. And I found myself being happier

It was like some of the gloom and the heaviness and overwhelming feelings I had been experiencing left me.

Parts of the words in this song were about singing. And sing loud in the midst of the storm (storm often being difficult, sad, awful, heavy circumstances in life)

So yeah anyway I really want to encourage you to find a song that is a happy one, one that has words of encouragement of some kind in it. And simply sing it aloud with everything within you. If you can left your hands in the air, I reakon do it. Or even dance if you can.

Maybe it all sounds weird. But it did help me just now. And you did pop into my thoughts, so I was thinking I should tell you.

Shelley

Bbydoll · ‎25-12-2020

Thank you Sophie and Shelley. I'm lying down at the moment did some cleaning this morning and cooked myself a lovely lunch (with leftovers for dinner). I was going to try and have a nap but the vertigo is playing up, so that's put a stop to it. I will be catching up with my brother and his family next month some time when they're well again. I have a background illness of chronic fatigue syndrome and Crohns disease (multiple operations including the removal of colon/appendix). I now also have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, lupus, sjgroens and something else which I have gone blank on. Plus chronic pain syndrome. My kidney function hasn't been working properly for 18months and I'm overdue to see my kidney doctor; my GP is concerned that I may have permanent kidney damage. My dad was on dialysis before he passed (but not from that). And every time I see the kidney doctor, I have a small panic attack as I worry that I might end up there myself. I already put my feet up when I sit down at home. And have propped up my feet in bed... and being a frequent flyer at the local hospital I've known to do that. Plus I have neuropathic pain in my feet, so they're often sore anyways. The bloated feeling is in my feet/ankles and stomach. I'm fairly certain that I've gained more weight from binge eating. Which helps nothing! One of the problems with having crohns and so many surgeries is that I can't tell why I'm so bloated in my stomach.. it's probably a combination of the surgeries and Crohns disease; I did ask my gastroenterologist about it but he had no answers - I'm one of his more complicated cases.... as with everything it seems.

Shelley, thank you for thinking of me. Music is a big passion of mine. So I can relate. It's usually what I listen to, even when I'm unwell/in a lot of pain, I can switch on my headphones and shut out everything else. I don't speak Japanese. I don't know if they're the same, but I know in Tasmania they have cherry trees there. I visited a friend of mine about 9 years ago. And I saw a few random cherry trees along the front of a few houses. They also have a cherry farm, which you can visit that produces cherry flavoured lollies, ice cream and all sorts of things. As well as giving some information on how they all started in photos and information in their foyer.

I wish I could have some relief from my pain. Which unfortunately is made worse from actually doing errands = no quality of life for anyone.

Bbydoll · ‎25-12-2020

Raynauds disease was the one that I couldn't think of! I finished eating the leftovers from lunch and am watching a couple of dvds as I managed to hook up the dvd player to my tv on my own; which I'm pretty impressed by because I'm hopeless with any kind of technology stuff.

Bbydoll · ‎08-01-2021

I've been really struggling. Trying to stay offline to save money because I'm being screwed over by the phone company. But I can't access this site on free wifi at the local shopping center. I want to change my life for the better. But it's seemingly impossible when everything is against me all the damn time! My mum has been unwell and although she's in care now - they're looking at boosting the support she's getting. Her health is declining because she's sitting in her room mourning the loss of another man she befriended who has unfortunately passed away. It's been 12 months since ive seen her. And my brother has seen her a couple more times.

I really want and need this year to be better... but I fear I'm in for another bumpy year and I can't take much more hardships.

Bbydoll · ‎09-01-2021

Yesterday I spent 4 hours at the shops running errands and grocery shopping. I was and still am exhausted despite sleeping last night from 1030pm until 530pm today. It's beyond a joke. And my friend was bitching to me about her supposed boyfriend problems whilst I have real issues that I'm dealing with. She is trying to push a guy into a relationship that he says he doesn't want. After failed marriages - you'd think she would learn. But no she doesn't. I have to see my mum tomorrow when all I want to do is sleep and sleep doesn't take away my physical pain. It doesn't change my exhaustion. It changes nothing. I'm constantly running on empty with everything. .. money, energy. Time. It makes no difference. How do I stay positive when this is my daily CONSTANT battle. I have no support. The mental health team that I have just want me to get onto NDIS. NDIS doesn't think I need it. I'm too sick to study or work. But apparently not sick enough to need the NDIS. The mental health team actually don't want to listen to how hard things are. I can't afford to see my doctors. .. so I don't even know if I need changes to any medications because I can't afford to get there. Why on earth am I alive for? What is the point to all of this mess.. because it surely isn't a way to live.

Sophie_M · ‎09-01-2021

Hi Bbydoll, We're so sorry to hear that you've been having such a rough time. It sounds like things are really stressful at the moment - this is maybe one reason why you are feeling so exhausted.

Getting a good sleep can be about working towards getting into a good routine, by both going to sleep, but also waking up at the same time each day if possible. You might be interested in our page "Three tips to getting a good night's sleep" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/personal-best/pillar/wellbeing/three-tips-to-getting-a-good-nights-sleep

If you're feeling overwhelmed, please do get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) anytime you need.

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you're going.

monkey_magic · ‎09-01-2021

Hi Bbydoll,

I think U have to find something satisfying that gives U a purpose and meaning.

I'm not telling U what to do but you could write a blog for example about your illnesses, what they're about and how you live day to day. This could attract others going through the same and you can connect. If writing and expressing yourself is your thing.

Everyone has problems even if the level of severity differs.

I know you feel hard done by , your words are conveying a sense of depression but accepting your crisis/ circumstances can be freeing. Even though you're doing it tougher than others, others also have it much harder than you.

I was reading about a woman's life in Nigeria and it's been nothing but bad things happening to her but she still has a strong sense of wanting to live because she has a dream, of starting over in the UK.

You too can start dreaming and doing things that satisfy you.

I know an ex prisoner who discovered art in jail and laser focused on that. It kept him awake and alive while serving a long sentence.

I can't run anymore. I can't be a personal trainer/ fitness instructor which is what I studied to be. I have a back injury, stiffness, pain.
I used to be all about doom and gloom. When I joined BB I was about doom and gloom, then I found purpose in replying to other's threads. Then I discovered I could still swim.

You might have limitations but you are better off than others ( I'm thinking of ppl that need carers 24/7) and many others.

Please look for some things in life that you can do to occupy your time and make your life feel like it's worth living.