Shouldn't I be happy?

Fly_Free · ‎04-10-2020

Hi,

I'm a male in my early 50's, married with two teenage sons and reasonably well paying job but life just seems a never ending battle. I'm the only earner for the family and I'm paying two mortgages and we're always just scraping by. There's never any money for anything other than just getting by. I've ended up in a management position at work that I didn't ever really want but took anyway to have a bit more job security. At times I feel that the weight of the world is on my shoulders and I don't know how much longer I can keep going. I guess I do suffer from depression and sought help in the past. To be honest it didn't help. I sleep about 4 to 5 hours a night and went to my GP for help with this. Unfortunately his solution for any medical issue seems to be to prescribe pills which is what I got. They didn't help so his answer was to increase the dose that didn't help. I can't afford to go back to the GP so don't know where to turn for help. I've tried discussing how I feel with my wife and how our financial situation is killing me but she's not interested. Over winter I got to the point of almost ending my life so the pain would be over. I've told this to my wife and her reaction was simply unbelievable. She told me that people who commit suicide are just selfish cowards who leave everyone else behind to clean up the mess! She just doesn't have any idea of how depression works. I didn't put my hand up and say I want to feel so low, so worthless that taking my own life is the only way out. I've tried suggesting that we sell one of our properties so we're only paying one mortgage. She wouldn't even consider this as apparently I would just fritter the money away! Well, perhaps it might take some strain off me. So I really don't know what to do. I feel that I can't even provide properly for my family and feel bad if I were to ever even dream of having some sort of holiday or a hobby. There are a lot of people worse off than me so why shouldn't I be happy with what I've got? I sometimes harm myself I get so frustrated. The pain helps me carry on. In my 20's and 30's I flew hang gliders. I was really good at flying and it took away all my feelings of low self esteem. I gave up flying 20 years ago and I've bee trying to return to the sport the last 5 years now. I've no idea how though as in my situation it just seems a impossible dream. Maybe I am just selfish and should forget any idea of wanting to do something for ME? Thanks

R_S · ‎06-10-2020

I don't have any answers... but it sounds to me like hang gliding is not something you want to do. It's something you need to do. I hope you get out there soon 🙂

Butterfly20 · ‎06-10-2020

Hi Fly Free,
You are definately not selfish, infact you seem to be doing everything yourself and no wonder you have this whole burden on your shoulders. Who wouldn’t? The situation definately needs to change in order for you to have some time for yourself and that you can get a work-life balance. It is totally okay to be wanting to do your hobbies and you deserve to be able to do the things you like. That will help yiu recharge. A family always should look after eachother and you can find ways to find this balance by working together. You need to set boundaries. I always find that if one member doesnt feel well it affects the rest of family.
Perhaps try talking to your wife again and about the seriousness of this situation. It is not something you just made up or want to feel. If your wife wants to keep the two properties perhaps she can look for a part time job. Or even full time now that your boys are teenagers. She might also feel stressed about jobsearching since she has a big gap, so she might see it as an attack. If thats the case she might want to seek help too. Depending on your boys age and your family circumstances, maybe they can also get part time jobs to cover their own expenses. It will also give them confidence and skills for future.
Also dedicate chores around the house. Writing a schedule for each day who is responsible for what and then rotate the duties. (Might be hard with teens though).
My husband has been in a similar situation. He is a project manager and he has been under a lot of stress lately to the point of now being depressed and anxious and feeling lost. I was on unpaid maternity leave for the past 10months and originally was planning to go back part time 3 days due to our little bub. But when my husband openly talked about his stress and feelings and seeing how stressed he was we have come to decision that I go back 4 days instead so that way my husband can either reduce his hours or alternatively find another lower stress job. There is always a way around, this situation can be changed and you can get your life back. If your wife does not seem to understand then maybe going councelling together can be helpful. You deserve to have a balanced life, you are still young, plus your kids soon will have life if their own. Look after yourself.

tranzcrybe · ‎07-10-2020

Hi Fly Free,

I guess I am a bit AR in this, but I keep my grocery receipts and 'personal indulgence' receipts as a 'safety feature' to alert me from becoming too reckless (or even too stingy) in my spending behaviours.

Having a rough idea how much 'drips through the bucket' each month gives me an objective reference to ease off, or alternatively, an added incentive to splurge. Of course, there is no tax advantage to this, and of no regard to the accountant, but it keeps me on track and in control via my awareness.

It's not a law, but when I see a 30% increase (due to some impulsive binge!?), I will compensate with restraint for the next month to balance the discretionary books. For me, it's all about knowing what's going on.

Perhaps you could try your own spreadsheet and at some point "compare notes" with your wife - at least to show you can also be fiscally savvy...

Regards,

t.

Fly_Free · ‎07-10-2020

Thanks for listening and your suggestions. I think I may have made some progress. I’d really ‘lost it’ with my wife at the weekend and told her I was just so sick of living like we do and I’d told her for the first time ever that I’d gotten close to taking my own life. I also told her that our finances aren’t just up to her to decide. She said that she didn’t know how to help me when I get so depressed and I should go and see someone. Also today she actually said that she’d redo our budget so that there’s so money spare for me. Still her redoing the budget when it should be both of us together but at least it’s a start. My depressed moods really confuse me. I never really get depressed for any length of time but sometimes frustration can build up and maybe something didn’t go to well at work and then it’s like I’ve fallen into a deep dark pit. But then since I feel I haven’t got any choice other than carry on with things, the depression goes. A few years back I was having difficulties in a very high stress job where I was expected to charge out 100% of my time. I’ve suffered from low self esteem all my life. I really don’t understand why as I know that I’m a very capable person and I know that my work colleagues see me that way, but at times I didn’t feel like that but have become very good at hiding it. Anyway, during my time at this high stress job it got a bit rough and I went to my GP who referred me to a psychologist who diagnosed me with stress anxiety disorder. She gave me all sorts of relaxation techniques and coping strategies that helped a bit. However, whenever I tried to talk about my terrible feelings of low self esteem she just wouldn’t go there. I never understood why, for me this is important. If I can understand WHY I feel so bad at times maybe I can do something about it.

tranzcrybe · ‎07-10-2020

Hi Fly Free,

Sorry you had to 'lose it' to make yourself heard, but I am pleased you were able to let your wife know how you are feeling - it was very courageous of you to open up with her about your suicidal thoughts, and this is very encouraging. Okay, the 'go see somebody' response was not exactly the most supportive, but perhaps you could help her understand how you feel over the coming days/weeks until she comprehends the support you need as a family and to be recognised and more involved for your contribution.

"she actually said that she’d redo our budget so that there’s so money spare for me" - yes, FF, small steps! It's a great start - perhaps your wife just doesn't think you'd be interested in all this financial stuff?

Although it's not a healthy thing to blow up at people, finding some outlet to just let off steam (here!) can be very therapeutic - I like playing tennis to help burn off pent up energy and to smash out any frustrations on the court. This could be the reason behind your pining for those hang gliding days - these messages come from within you, and if you ignore them, that's where you start to suffer.

"whenever I tried to talk about my terrible feelings of low self esteem she just wouldn’t go there" - I think that is outside the scope of Psychology. I am surprised you weren't referred to a Psychiatrist to delve deeper into your feelings. Perhaps something to consider?

Keep up the good work FF, and I hope you can add some more positive breakthroughs as they occur.

Regards,

t.