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A fruits Basket

Community Member

Today I decided to see where this site will take me.

I don't know where but I need to find someway to stop thinking about;

self doubt, past traumatic experience's and fear of the future.

I have anxiety in social gatherings and also I find it difficult to focus on the present.

Thoughts to remove myself from existence has come and gone. and its usually just the 3 ways that I would do it. however I always feel too week/scared to attempt.

rather than doing that I use/do certain things to make me feel better for the short instant moments. I don't use drugs and alcohol often. I rely on alcohol in social gatherings to remove any anxiety and drugs to enhance sexual pleasure

I am a 32 year old homosexual male diagnosed with HIV Undetectable suffering from addiction of pornography, sex and masturbation. currently trying very hard not to continue to use drugs and alcohol again.

and what I want in life...is to except who I am, like who I am, be confident in who I am, believe all those things and face my fears....

that's all I want.

I may dwell on all these things but I have friends that are always by my side. without them I would be lost for sure.

2 Replies 2

Hi hunkydorie,

Welcome to the forums. We're sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time. We're wondering whether you have professional supports in place. It sounds like you may benefit from some professional support. You appear to have substantial insight into what you're doing and why, which is a good place to start. 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

You mentioned having thoughts of suicide. We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments such as these, you get in touch with Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or call triple zero (000) if you're ever in immediate danger.

Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. Feel free to keep us updated with how you are.

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I'm saddened to read your post. Ok, hetro married guy 64yo. I have a history in the 1990's of suicide attempt, depression and anxiety that began long before then.

Perhaps I can discuss them separately in terms of yourself.

My anxiety began as a teen and climaxed at 31yo at a workplace incident that challenged my integrity. I fought the local Govt of the day and lost the battle but won the war...it left me with severe anxiety. I began all the treatments but also put into practice self help strategies of my own (that you can read about in links at the end of this post). But it took me 22 years before one day I realised I'd beaten anxiety altogether, a long time but worth the wait.

Anxiety, depression, PTSD etc if beaten doesnt eliminate attempts on your life. Indeed in 1983 I attended a motivation lecture that changed my life and became a positive motivated type of guy. But with mental illness this motivation comes and goes as ones illness does the same.

Your sexual addictions is imo not much to worry about as long as you are not hurting yourself nor others. It is something that could be treated and there could be some illness present that accommodates these urges. It could be linked to mania or ADHD etc so is worth pursuing through your GP.

I'm also interested in the "getting to know yourself journey". This is extremely important if one wants to avoid future urges to self harm. So I've got some links for that also. I follow Prem Rawat Maharaji (non religious) and his messages on soul searches are unequalled.

You seem a sensitive caring person. There is positives in everything if you look hard enough. Being sensitive means you care, have empathy and perhaps there is a hole in your life whereby helping others is absent, resulting in something missing in your life- what do you think?

The following links I've chosen are relevant to you. Please - you only need to read the first post. I'm here most evenings so feel free to chat away.