Should I tell my partner that I relapsed?

simo_s · ‎16-05-2021

Hi,

First time posting here because I need some advice....

Last night I went out with my partner (together 3 yrs) and all his friends and I really embarrassed myself and embarrassed my partner. I got a little too drunk and was acting weird and my partner told me that I ruined the atmosphere a little.

I used to self harm around 7 years ago and sought treatment and am in a much much better headspace. Very rarely though, my emotions become really overwhelming and I lose control of myself and my thoughts and forget about all the progress I've made. About a year ago this happened and I relapsed (this only happened once) and I felt so guilty and ashamed that I told my partner a random excuse for the scratches and he believed me. After reflecting on behaviour last night and receiving a phone call from my partner who was concerned, I spiralled because I felt extremely embarrassed and mortified for disappointing him. I just want to say that he didn't try and make me feel this way and never has before, he just wanted to know if something was wrong that caused me to act in that way. I ended up hurting myself again (not seriously) because I lost control of my emotions and in the moment felt like I needed a release. I have no plans of doing this again and deeply regret doing it.

I just want to know if I should come clean to my partner. I know he will be deeply upset and I don't want to make things weird or awkward. I do want to tell him because I do want some comfort and support but I just feel like it will come across like I am gaslighting him and trying to make him feel like he made me do this by confronting me about my behaviour. I would feel so guilty coming across this way and this would make me feel even worse. I also don't want him to be scared to confront me if I make mistakes in the future, for fear of causing me to relapse. Should I wait a few days or tell him in a little while while the situation isn't so fresh? Or should I just not tell him at all like last time. It worked out best last time because we were able to move past it and I didn't upset him. I'm also scared that he just wont understand and might take it really badly, like an insult. I feel so ashamed and guilty and can't think straight. I don't live with him so he can't see that I feel like this. Any advice?

Sophie_M · ‎16-05-2021

Hi simo s,

Welcome to the forum, it’s so great that you are joining the community. Were sorry to hear that you relapsed and having a tough time right now. We can imagine that this might be embarrassing topic to bring up with your partner and it sounds like their opinion means a lot to you. Discussing relapse with loved can be a delicate subject to discuss and it shows a determination on your part to be so vulnerable with your partner. It's great that you would like to make them aware of your self-harm and seek that support from him. If you would like to discuss having this conversation with someone about how to approach the subject with him there are services available to you.

You are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.

You can also get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

You are not alone and the community is here to help you.

Croix · ‎16-05-2021

Dear Simo s~

I'd like to join Sophie_M in welcoming you here to the forum, a good place to come when thing's don't seem clear.

I guess I'd look at it from several points of view.

The first is that self-harm (and maybe drinking too much though that's just a guess) is a sign that there is something wrong, and is not a good way to deal with it. It can be dangerous for several reasons such as hurting more and more as you get used to it until it becomes life-threatening, having an accident and doing more harm than you intended, or having a sudden burst of despair and ending up taking your life.

Yes I know that sounds over-dramatic right now but it can happen

So can I ask if you are under treatment for this? If so then perhaps it might be best to go back to you doctor or therapist and say what has happened. If you are not under treatment now would be an excellent time to start - in another area I simply got worse until I had the right medical help.

The second thing is that one of the best ways to cope wiht the impulse to hurt yourself is to talk or be with someone. It may be you have taken them into your confidence and can say why you need to be with them, or if not just being or talking with another helps - human contact means a lot

There is a bit in Beyond Blue that is good background material

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/docs/default-source/resources/268798_0914_bl1302_acc_3-18.pdf?sfvrsn=2...

The last thing is if you think about your relationship. If you want to be with someone long-term than it really needs to be a partnership, with each loving, enjoying and looking after the other, particularly in the worse times. This takes trust - and sometimes education in the particular problem - but is something a loving partner will try to help with

So I guess this is a problem, it needs working out, and the best way might be by two people rather than one. I think it would be great to have someone to lean on when becoming overwhelmed. And the reverse too

Now obviously I do not know your partner or his views, or even the strenght of your mutual feelings. I'd expect you do, and if you have the confidence go ahead and explain things in a way that does not seem to blame him, or suggest he is in any way lacking in concern and see how you go.

You have already anticipated the misunderstandings that might happen so can explain.

Do you think this a good idea?

Croix

simo_s · ‎17-05-2021

Thank you 🙂

geoff · ‎18-05-2021

Hello Simo, and a warm welcome to the forums.

If we don't feel like telling our partner/spouse and either procrastinate or not mention anything, then when a tough situation suddenly appears out of the blue, it's possible nothing will be told to them, creating a difficult scenario for yourself, cause you don't have anybody to talk to or help you overcome this problem and unfortunately, it may then become routine and suffer alone.

This isn't what you want to do, a relationship requires a couple to talk about the good times as well those dark days, that's how you learn to develop your friendship, supporting each other, and yes, there are times when a disagreement may occur and needs to be settled between you, but that's how we grow to learn about our partner.

There may be another anomaly that has started this, which may be hidden as you don't live with each other but suggest that it does need to be spoken about to clear the air if you decide to live with each other in the future.

Please get back to us when you're available.

Geoff.

SapereAude · ‎18-05-2021

Hi Simo

Sorry to hear that you’ve been having a tough time and relapsed. I definitely think it would be worth speaking with your GP or mental health professional and updating them on what has happened.

I agree also that whilst it’s a difficult conversation to have, you need to speak to your partner and make them aware of the situation. I hope they are very supportive of you. They probably will be shocked but my wish is that they have your back 100%.

Best of luck with it all. I hope you can get the support you need going forward.