She showed me the scars

[arcticbutterfly]

Hello, my 14 yr old has been really depressed and self harming for about a year now. It has been a rough ride. 
A couple of months ago she became really suicidal and  I think she even had a kind of an attempt. With the help of one of her friends and her psychologist she seems better now. In fact she says she has not self harmed for almost a month, the longest she has ever gone and she feels a bit better and can see with more clarity what she has done. From the outside she certainly seems better. I know suicidal people can seem better before they carry out a plan  but I don’t think that’s where she is at and the psychologist agrees. As part of her feeling better and with summer coming, she has decided to show me her scars so that I can come to terms with them and she can have more freedom to where what she likes in summer. 
the scars are in her right arm. She is totally covered from shoulder to elbow and she has a few more between elbow and wrist. 
she told me not to react when I saw them and yet I did. It was just a very sad “oh Sweetpea” but of course I should not have said anything. She showed me the elbow to wrist yesterday (which I did not react to) then spent most of today crying about it and calling helplines about it while she was out. Little did I know how much worse the rest of her arm was. We talked about it but even though I initially said she could wear what she wanted, when I saw the severity of it I suggested sticking to short sleeves rather than sleeveless. She was hurt by that she told me later and she explained why which I sort of get but I also realise that those scars are obvious and the source unmistakable and I worry about her having to cope with questions or being seen differently by people (for years to come!) and I won’t lye, I worry about people judging me too, I know it is not about me but this is a factor too. I feel like enough if a failure already I can’t cope with any questions.

and then there is her 8 yr old sister which I am desperate to shield from this. My teen agrees and she is not planning to wear anything that shows her scars around her sister.

my questions are:

1. Would like any insight anyone might have and how to help my teen stay on the recovery path (needless to say I am finding it hard to relax)

2. What do we do if her sister sees the scars?

thanks!

[therising]

Hi arcticbutterfly

First, I want to say how much my heart goes out to you, from one parent to another. I don't believe your daughter will ever be able to fully relate to your reaction until she becomes a parent herself one day. It's a reaction that expresses the deep love, devotion, concern and bond a parent feels in relation to their child. We don't mean to express our overwhelming heartfelt feelings at times but sometimes that overwhelming wave we feel gets us right in the heart while also taking our breath away.

Wish I knew exactly what to say when it comes to what would make all the difference to you and both your girls. As a mum, I've found what makes some difference involves openly discussing feelings, emotions and potential mental health issues. Of course, the discussions need to be age appropriate. Discussing such topics means they're nothing to be ashamed of and they can be a part of life that needs to be addressed at times. I admit, with my kids being older now (21yo daughter and 19yo son) it's much easier to freely discuss a number of mental health topics. It means that when one of us is feeling challenged, the 3 of us in our tight knit group of feelers/analysts can feel and analyse what could potentially be the challenge at play that's led to such feelings. We work things out together. With an 8yo, not sure how to tread carefully with age appropriate content. Maybe this is something that could be discussed with your daughter's psychologist. How to prepare her for seeing her sister's scars and having some understanding might involve something along the lines of 'We all feel happy feelings and sad feelings or angry feelings at times. That's who we are, 'feelers of our emotions', including the challenging and tough ones. Some people may not know how to manage their feelings by themself and need others to help them. In the past, your sister has had a really hard time with her feelings and how to make sense of them but now we're working out some really good ways to understand them and manage them. Your sister is a powerful feeler who is starting to better understand what her power means and the challenges that come with it'. It becomes a discussion about an incredible power we have and how to master that power. Only you can know what your daughter/s may best relate to.

With judgement from others, I can understand where you're coming from. People will judge and we'll feel their judgement. We can't stop them judging but we can change the way we feel it. Kinda like 'I can feel you judging me through your ignorance. You're ignoring the fact I had no idea this was going on (the self harming behaviour)'. So, it becomes 'I can feel your ignorance'. Ignorance can have quite the frustrating feel to it. Other parents in your shoes will be able to relate to the fact 'You can't help what you don't yet know about'.

[arcticbutterfly]

Thank you therising for your beautiful words. You really expressed how I felt very well and I thought the same, that my daughter will only be able to grasp how I felt/feel when she becomes a mother. 

I also like your idea of the powerful feeler. It’s funny I always said to my 14 yr old that her empathy is her superpower but like a powerful wild horse needs to be trained so it can be used for good and not hurt us. Sadly her horse is still pretty wild!

thank you for responding. It means a lot. 

I love how your family brainstorms solutions to mental health problems together. You must be an incredible mum!

[therising]

Hi arcticbutterfly

It's interesting how 'I just want to feel better' can be taken in a couple of different ways. 1)It can be about not feeling as bad and 2)it can be about becoming a master at being able to feel (aka getting a better feel for things, people, situations, memories, thoughts, beliefs, inner dialogue and the list goes on).

I believe how we manage our line of questioning and how we manage the dialogue in our head can be 2 key factors in becoming better at feeling. Changing our line of questioning from 'What's wrong with me?' to 'What exactly is it that I'm feeling?' can make some difference. Becoming a bit of a detective comes with the territory in relation to being a feeler. 'Am I feeling elements of mental challenges (perception, beliefs, inner dialogue etc), physical challenges (issues with dopamine, cortisol, serotonin, low B12 or iron levels, nervous system challenges etc) or could I be feeling more so the challenges that naturally come with my nature or could it be 2 or 3 of these factors combined?'. While it helps to find experienced detectives like GPs, psychologists and such, this covers physical and mental elements but not necessarily natural ones. Anything that's a little too 'woo woo' typically won't be touched on by physical and mental health professionals, unless they deal with what's a little more outside the square. Not sure how many would be happy to specifically address 'The challenges of naturally being an empath', for example. When it comes to 'The challenges of an empath', Google can help with the detective work. Can even lead to some 'Aha!' moments and some brilliant strategies for managing and seeking relief.

With that other key mentioned, inner dialogue, it can definitely help to know what's going on in someone's head. If their inner critic or some other depressing or stressful aspect is chatting away up there with stuff like 'You're broken. You're an outsider who no one will ever understand. You'll be stressed and depressed for the rest of your life' and all that kind of stuff, the chatter's gotta be strategically managed. Going from channeling the inner critic to being able to channel the inner sage, for example, can take a bit of practice. It can kinda go from 'The world is a horrible, cruel, brutal and depressing place' to 'Whatever you do, do not watch the news. It's depressing and stressful and will leave you feeling hopeless, helpless and disheartened'. For an empath, the news can be a form of torture, where they're left feeling for everyone they see who's suffering in one way or another. In other words, they suffer with them.