Self loathing, trapped.

[Guest_1211]

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

[Guest_1211]

Do you really want to ask that question? I could go on forever.

I can start with something I’ve said many times. I hate my neediness. I hate how much I need others validation and praise. I hate the way I look, my disgusting body and the way that I have ruined it. I hate the way I talk to much and how insecure I am, but how it often comes off as over confidence. I hate how I always have to ‘fix’ everything and can’t keep our of it. I hate how judge mental I am. I hate how I feel like I have to compete with everyone, not because I want to beat them but because I don’t want to be seen as lazy or a burden or drain on anyone. I hate how inherently lazy I am, and that motivation to do things is such a poor reason. I hate how messy my house is, and how I feel I should be doing so much better by my kids and husband is every aspect. That’s just what’s on the tip of my mind. I could go on for hours.

[Guest_1211]

I just get more and more worked up adding and adding to the list in my head. It’s becomes so visceral.

[Guest_1211]

And no one really wants to hear this do they? This is why I am a constant fake and imposter as no one really wants to be around someone who shows these feelings and acts like this person. 🤷🏼‍♀️