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Self loathing, trapped.

Community Member

I just want to punish myself repeatedly. I do, not in usual ways I guess. But the urge is constant right now.

I am so angry about stage four lockdowns. They feel so wrong and so pointless and so unfair. I feel trapped and like I’ve done something wrong and I’m just disgusted with every aspect of myself.

So I purposely make myself feel ill, I refuse to take painkillers when I am feeling bad pain because I don’t deserve them, I have stopped taking supplements that help me, and I hurt myself. Its nothing that leaves a mark, nothing anyone can see, I’m much smarter than when I was younger.

My normal coping mechanisms are all gone. My big, busy, distracting life has been taken away from me. Things have closed in around me. I can’t escape the thoughts, feelings, intrusions, nightmares, loneliness, slow time dragging...

I hate this so much.

62 Replies 62

Do you really want to ask that question? I could go on forever.

I can start with something I’ve said many times. I hate my neediness. I hate how much I need others validation and praise. I hate the way I look, my disgusting body and the way that I have ruined it. I hate the way I talk to much and how insecure I am, but how it often comes off as over confidence. I hate how I always have to ‘fix’ everything and can’t keep our of it. I hate how judge mental I am. I hate how I feel like I have to compete with everyone, not because I want to beat them but because I don’t want to be seen as lazy or a burden or drain on anyone. I hate how inherently lazy I am, and that motivation to do things is such a poor reason. I hate how messy my house is, and how I feel I should be doing so much better by my kids and husband is every aspect. That’s just what’s on the tip of my mind. I could go on for hours.

Community Member
I just get more and more worked up adding and adding to the list in my head. It’s becomes so visceral.

Community Member
And no one really wants to hear this do they? This is why I am a constant fake and imposter as no one really wants to be around someone who shows these feelings and acts like this person. 🤷🏼‍♀️