Self harm, eating disorder (bit of a ramble)

[Janey_beyond]

Hi everyone, hope you’re all well.

Havent hit a ‘rock bottom’ in a few months, but this weekend has been particularly challenging. I find every weekend I get the ‘blues’ because I am quite isolated and have a lack of routine out of my weekdays. I haven’t self-harmed since starting antidepressants (in a few months) until the weekend which is when I know things are getting particularly bad. I have been crying so much that I’ve gotten headaches and my stomach was in physical pain. I ended up contacting a helpline and vomited during the phone call weirdly enough. I am curious to know if anyone would know why this might have happened? I am still young but would never think I would go through this much pain in my life at my age. When I am depressed, I find myself ruminating about all the ‘bad things’ that have happened to me and feel sorry for myself. I thought things were getting better but I end up back in the same cycle. I wish I just had a friend that I could talk to or hug. Someone that would tell me everything’s going to be okay. I wish I could tell my younger self that but I feel I would be lying. It’s also been hard for me to go out without criticising my appearance and feeling uncomfortable in my skin. And when I do, people, particularly men, have made me feel extremely uncomfortable or I even experience people yelling at me from their cars when I go for walks. I often see other girls who are extremely pretty and wish I was them. I feel like my life would be more simple if I was just ‘prettier’. I’ve spoken about this with my therapist as I am also recovering from an ED, but in recovery it’s extremely hard to go against society’s expectations as there is so much value placed on looks that we are made to believe it defines our worth. When you recover from an ED you have to unlearn that belief, which is challenging. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just give in and only be something people want to look at.

Thank you for listening 🙂

[ABC01]

Dear Janey_beyond,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this tough time and how much it affects your daily life.

Society gives us such unrealistic expectations about being a woman and human beings in general. Everything on social media or tv or movies is so glamorized and blown out of proportion, in contrast to actual life.

You are right though. It doesn't define our worth. However automatic thoughts are hard to battle without constant reminding and repetition. But you can counteract a negative thought but just saying straight away in your mind, "That thought isn't true/realistic/rational." And leave it there. If you try to explain why the thought isn't so&so, you generally talk yourself back to the thought you already originally had. I have found it useful to automatically counteract my negative thoughts. But it did take time for it to become an automatic response for me.(=repetition)

Vomiting can be associated to strong anxiety and I have heard of that often happening from others. There is also the vagal response (vasovagal reflex) inside our body. It can be triggered from varies responses and for example,is why some people faint from getting needles or seeing blood. It is like your body overloads and then has to respond in almost a way to get it out or clear the slate. You should google it and see if other symptoms are experienced when you throw up.

Please look after yourself not just mentally, but physically and emotionally too. They are all linked to each other strongly. I have days where I don't like myself either. But I know the only person who will love me, is me. Don't wait for others.

I don't know much about ED, but maybe you can buy a great range of bath stuff from The Body Shop and start a love-yourself nightly/morning routine. A beautiful tea cup and teapot from T2 and have a fantastic cup of tea whilst watching a ridiculous reality tv show. Sipping the tea,literally. Or maybe a craft where you can find a co-op to sell your goods.

You have so much to offer. Please know that.

ABC01

[Guest_27104948]

Hi! don't know how useful my reply is going to be but I totally relate. being out of routine is totally the worst. I was out of my regular routine for the past three weeks and now I can't get back into routine...

but I feel stupid and worthless does anyone else get that feeling like you wish there was someone who existed for you? like they weren't their own person they just existed to comfort, listen and support you? i know I sound selfish saying that but I promise I don't treat any of my family and friends like that I'm just saying I wish that existed.

Never had an ED but I struggle with body image quite a lot. since I was like 5 I'm pretty sure. i was doing fine for the weeks I was out of routine but lately I've been noticing how big my thighs and stomach have gotten and I've gone up on the scale too. omg, I have these bumps on my shoulders from the stress they're so ugly. As if that isn't bad enough my skin is breaking out and leaving acne scars and my face is so dull. sorry total rant there I'm letting it all out ig. uh yeah idk how that was helpful at all but like... you're not alone?