Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Haha I was coming in to see how everyone’s going.

still anxious and too busy but still seeing improvement. Start back with my psychologist next week which I’m looking forward to but it has also been nice to not talk or think about my trauma for 4 weeks lol so I kind of don’t want to go back to talking about it.

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

It's great to hear that your still seeing improvements.

I feel exactly the same about going back to therapy! I've been throwing the idea around if not going next week but therapy doesn't always have to be about the hard stuff, it can also be about celebrating the improvements too so I'm going back but I'll increase the time between visits going forward.

Hey Richie, hope your doing well. Have you had the boat out over your break?

[Anzee]

Hey guys, how are you doing?

I had my first session back with my psych last night, it was hard and I had a lot of anxiety still but I don’t think I had as much as I used to and felt able to talk about more than usual out loud, she’s really great BUT last night was a terrible sleep, I didn’t get to sleep until early this morning woke up, tossed and turned then woke up befire 5am. I feel like this is just a thing that happens after I have therapy. Once I started talking to her about the hard stuff last year almost every session would involve a terrible nights sleep after and to begin with befire also. Did you experience this catie? And did it get better? I’m ok just wish I didn’t have to sacrifice sleep for therapy lol. Hope the new year is starting great for you both.

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

I head back to therapy tomorrow and it's the first time I've felt no anxiety before going.
Up until now I would be freaking outfor days before going and often for days after. I think the overthinking before and after just make it impossible to sleep but it's also impossible to just turn it off.
I do take sleeping tablets if I find it hard to sleep because I tend to get myself all worked up and overwhelmed when I don't get at least some sleep. It's been a few weeks since I last took one though. I really feel like things have shifted for me in the right direction. I know it won't always be like that, life happens and there are triggers everywhere but for now, it's good. I feel calm and in control and I'm going to enjoy it for as long as I can 🥰
It's taken me 30 years of hiding and 12 months of hard work and dedication but I can safely say all the work has all been worth it. Everyone's journey will be different, we all work at different speeds and have different obsticals in our way but I know your working hard and I'm sure you too will find your calm happy place x

[Anzee]

That’s so amazing, I’m so happy for you 🥲 ☺️
I think my issue is if it’s something I’m not ready or willing to hear I just go into survival mode and when I’m alone later I’m just overthinking all of it. We talked a lot about what it would look like to leave my relationship even temporarily to give me some healing time without constantly being triggered by his constant pressure and demand to be intimate, the holidays were bad for it because he was home every day and that’s all he wanted but his back at work now so I’m hoping that will give me the break I need haha. I just can’t cope when somethings impacting my kids and that’s what was happening, he was getting angry and frustrated with me over my triggers and taking it out on the kids so I was feeling very broken but I was actually able to talk to my psych out loud about it for once so that’s a good sign I think.

[Anzee]

How’s everyone going?

is therapy still free from anxiety?

I had a meltdown Monday and cried and cried to mine telling her she could give up on me now because I just couldn’t do it anymore. I think I frustrated her and strained our relationship but I think it was actually god to be honest and get my thoughts and fears of our sessions on the table.

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

I totally agree. I think it's good for them to see both the good and the bad that we experience. Being honest is the only way any if this improves. I actually recall having a similar meltdown experience a while back but we worked through it and I'm much better for it.

My last therapy session went so well I gave him an early mark, I just felt that I didn't need to be there. I'm still booked in again but I may just push out the dates if I feel I don't need it at the time. I think I will always go but not as regularly as I was.

Next week I start a new volunteer role (I only work part time and wanted to do something positive with my spare time). I'll be helping to support others who are struggling in our community. Part of me worries that it might be a bit full on but I know what it's like to hold onto something for most of my life and not have anyone to talk to and if I can provide that oppertunity to someone else, to just be there and listen, i think it will be a good thing. 🤞

[Anzee]

That’s so amazing catie, well done you.

I feel Like I want to stop doing sessions but I 100% know it’s only so I can avoid my traumas and push them away again 😂 after Monday nights session I’ve really pushed everything back down and want to leave it there but I know that’s not going to help in the long run. I just feel so much better when I have a break and don’t want to go back to the hard and scary stuff. Like it is pretty clear to anyone I’m reliving my childhood trauma in my relationship but I just keep denying it because admitting and accepting it means I actually have to do the work to make changes in myself and my future and I don’t want to do that so I just keep ignoring the obvious 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,
How have the last few days been? When is your next appointment?

We have had the most amazing weather whilst having a few days away with the extended family - so much fun. It's such a shame to have to go back to reality.

C.

[Anzee]

Hey catie,

I had a follow up call from a DV service on Monday and they put us in crisis accommodation, so the girls and I have been staying in a caravan park and I’ve had a risk assessment done and have been advised not to see him or let the kids see him until I’m connected back to my service tomorrow and I’ve got my first psych assessment tomorrow night too since we left so it’s going to be a big day tomorrow. It’s been really hard realising how deep his abuse went and the effects it’s had on the kids. I have had many crisis calls and texts from him which has killed me with guilt him telling me how sorry he is and how scared he is and how much he needs us back, but I’m slowly accepting that I’ve done the right thing.

That sounds beautiful, I’d love to have a holiday right now haha. I went to work yesterday but told my mum I will probably take Monday Tuesday off because the 4yo was supposed to start kinder on Thursday but she had a massive meltdown hitting scratching and pinching me and screaming at the top of her lungs so we both left in tears and I had to call the kinder director and tell her what was going on so we’re trying a very slow transition where I stay with her and we only stay as long as she’s comfortable for.