Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

At least you made good use of your time. Early morning fishing sound perfect to me 🐟
Yes, it sounds like you definatly need a break from having a break.

I'm glad your having more time with the kids 😊

It's expected to be wet here over the weekend so.... soccer if it's not cancelled, other than that no other plans. Need to figure out when I'm going to talk to my brother... see what happens...

[Richie01]

The right time will present itself. Can’t push yourself into a forced situation. He’s your brother, he will do nothing but support you I’m sure.

sucks about the weather cold and wet yay!!! It is good seeing the kids, breaks my heart a little more every day I have to drop them off tho. Dont think I’ll ever feel right about the whole situation, it just feels so bloody wrong !!!!!!!! Bla bla. Life goes on 🙂 hope the rest of your day went well. Did you opt for the massage today?

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

I hope training went ok today.

Feeling a bit stressed today, need to do some excersise but I'm stuck being "mum's taxi" (and eating nutella from the jar🤦‍♀️)
No massage for me yesterday, perhaps should have though.

Oh well, almost the end of the week 🙂

[Catie 08]

Finally got out for a walk today. It's pouring with rain so I got back completely soaked but I didn't care, it's the best way to clear my mind and reset 🧘‍♀️

[Catie 08]

Today's music inspo... London Grammar- Strong

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

I hope your appointments were ok today. Here if you want to debrief 😊

C.

[Richie01]

Hey c,

sorry I’ve been off the grid a bit. Been pretty down to be honest, past and present have just been getting the better of me but I saw my new dr again today and I’m feeling a little more in control. Funny story, sehra and I are seeing the same dr now! Both got referred by other drs and neither of us knew we were being treated at the same practise. Funny small world hey...

hows everything going for you? Don’t do the rainy walks, I’ve done a few, seem almost beautiful in a cinematic melodramatic way but the runny nose afterwards seems less dignified lol. Have you made any more decisions about talking with more of your family? I shouldn’t bring it up but I know it’s got to be at the front of your mind.
hope you are well, I’m really glad we found this place, your almost my conscience in a funny kind of way.
take care C, always here even if I’m a little delayed.
rich

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

I'm glad that your last appointment has you feeling more in control. Yes, what a coincidence. It sounds like your both in good hands.

Na, the rain won't hurt you, it's just water and our skin is waterproof - it's the snow and ice I can't stand, that stuff will make you sick.

No more to report on the "telling the family" front. I was all reved up to do it but then my hubby mentioned that my brother was coming down our way and I could talk to him if I wanted.... I know he ment well but I felt pressured... I mean, I already put enough pressure on myself, it didn't take much to tip me over. I've put the brakes on it for a bit. I've started to question what I'm doing.... what will it change? Do I really want to hurt them? Is it really as bad as it sounds?? Maybe I should just not tell them?? .... it's relentless
Silhouette has been playing on repeat for over 2 weeks now... it sums up how I feel perfectly....
I was talking to my dad tonight on the phone and the whole time all i could think of was about the damage I was about to cause.... I know I will need to do this to make things right for me I just wish i didnt have to hurt the people I love in the process.

Taking eldest daughter to see a councillor tomorrow. She is being bullied at school so it's been really tough on her. I just want to make sure she has all the tools she needs esspecially with high school just around the corner. Just another layer of stress to add to the mix.

Do you have much planned for the rest of this week?

C.

[Richie01]

Hey,

I know what you mean about feeling pressured to do it when someone suggests it. I know they have the best intentions but like you put so well, it doesn’t take much to push it over the edge. It’s something that will happen when you choose to and that’s the only way it can happen. I know your worried about hurting other people, trust me, that’s why I never talked to sehra about what I was going through. It seems like the lesser of two evils, to lie or to hurt someone but by not telling the truth, ultimately it consumes us and hurts those around us. Again as always, I won’t say you have to tell anyone else, it’s only you who has the right to make that decision but I know it’s important to you and ultimately will help you to heal after the dust settles. It is worth it C, no it won’t change the past, I wish it would but it will definitely take away some of the power the past has held over you. I feel the same right now, it’s such a hard call, I’ve already lost everything I had worth fighting for so why the hell do I want to put myself through it, what will it achieve!!!!!! But if I don’t, if I push it aside again I’ll always blame myself for not doing what I need.
Sorry to hear about your daughter, kids can be so mean. I’m glad you are there to support her and get her the help to cope with it that will really benefit her. It’s great that she can talk to you about it, that’s a strong bond that is pretty special in my book. I hope it all has a positive result for her, no one deserves that s#it!!!
No plans for he week. See my dr again on Monday then back to work. It’s gone pretty quick really, still feel like I’m treading water tho. I know I need to let go of the relationship but how do you give up on something you cherish and believe in??? God it’s hard. Anyway, small steps...

take care,

rich

[Catie 08]

OMG I've had enough of 2020, can't we just fast forward and get the rest of this year over and done with!!

I've had a sore neck for the past few days, I went to see the Dr this morning and ended up at radiology to get a CT scan to make sure it's nothing more serious (because of my history with back issues). I tell you what, it had better not be anything bad... I've had my quota of rubbish this year 🤬