Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Hi Ritchie,

It's almost 2am and I can't sleep. My mind is going at 100mph so I'm up for a cuppa to try and put the breaks on it so I can get some more sleep (You know what a delight I am when I'm tired 😉).

Don't forget to be kind to yourself. You have come a long way even in the few months we have been chatting. I'm guessing your also going back to more therapy as well.... You have a lot of pressure on your shoulders.

What is something that you enjoy that you can plan to do - just for you. It doesnt have to be big. No walls, no expectations, just something that you can do for you? Self care (as foreign as it might feel) is such an important part of this process. You need to find your thing, something to reward yourself for the small wins along the way.

I believe in you. I've got your back. You've got this.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Hope you managed to get some sleep. You have therapy today right? I hope it goes well and helps you to get a better grip on things that are a bit out of hand.

I dont know what i enjoy anymore lol. I feel like im having a real identity crisis and need to just reboot everything if that makes sense.

I have dentist app on Friday, EMDR starts on Monday, first aid course on Tuesday, low voltage rescue course on Wednesday, dentist again on Thursday then EMDR again the following monday. Busy first week but im sure ill fit something I enjoy in there. Just want to see the kids more than anything. They will always be on the top of my list and thats what matters through all of this. 😊

Sorry i get a bit funny around this time, ill snap out of it in a couple of days im sure.

Thanks again for everything, im glad we have each others back,.

[Catie 08]

Wow, your first week back sure is hectic. Dentist and therapy both twice in one week, well if that's not facing things head on I don't know what is. Just take it one day at a time and remember I'm here is things start to get a bit wobbly 😊

Yep, therapy today but not until 5pm. I did manage some sleep thankfully and I've just done an hour on the treadmill to help calm me down. I do prefer to do therapy in the morning, I don't like having all day to stew on things. I'll probably do some Uni between loads of washing to keep my mind busy until then.

You don't need to be sorry, I think we know each other well enough now to not have to explain it. Your stronger than you let yourself believe and on the days that just feel insurmountable I'm here to back you up.

You've got this 😎

[Richie01]

Hectic is good. Gotta keep moving forward .🙂

Your right, we know each other well enough for sure. It still blows me away that we have the chats we have. Really isn’t anything i ever expected from this place. It has been a blessing.

How did you go this afternoon? We’re there any answers or a bit of a reprieve from things? Its not easy, we have a mutual understanding of that, i guess thats why we work, why we can have these chats and be here for each other in whatever capacity we can be. Funny how similar we have turned out in many ways, there definitely is something to be learned from that fact. How can it be in our heads if its shared? Maybe thats something positive we get from what we share here, confirmation that we have not lost our minds... confirmation that what we have to do is what the mind does to everyone in our situation. Its bitter sweet but it gives hope and i know we will both get through, we have each other’s back when the times get tough .😊

Hope you have a good night and manage some sleep. Last night here for me... Real world here i come ..🙂😬😔😭😫😤 Not sure how i feel about that still.

Take care C,

Rich

[Catie 08]

A Blessing, Yes absolutely 🥰

Feeling pretty exhausted now. I stressed out all day. Appointment went well. He was blown away that I asked him the help me prepare to talk to my family. I've only been going to him for just over 5 months. He knows I'm pretty dedicated and focused on making this all "better" but talking to my family was one of the things I flat out refused to talk about from the start. I've got a bit of a plan in my mind. I'll talk to my siblings first and leave my parents till last. Just taking things step by step, day by day. I was actually talking to my parents on the phone tonight once I got home. I got off the call and said to hubby "how do i burst their bubble?" It's not going to be easy but holding onto this is making me sick so I need to at least try and set things right for me. It just makes me sad to think of how much I'm going to hurt them.

I hope your able to get some rest before your big drive tomorrow. Maybe you should have a word to your boss about them investing in a helicopter for you? It's such a long drive 😉

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

Are you all set for your big drive?

I'm feeling a little wobbly today. I should no therapy so late in the day. Certainly won't be pushing myself to hard today.

Listening to random suggestions on Spotify today, I find my same songs on repeat to be a but heavy today. What's on your playlist for your drive?

[Catie 08]

silhouette - by aquilo 🎶

[Richie01]

Hey c,

im proud of you. It’s a big step even suggesting it let alone planning the best way to go about this. I know what this takes to face and wow🙂 your amazing.
like you said, one step at a time. Focus on tomorrow not the end goal.
im doing an Alanis Morissette tribute drive!!! Is it sad that I know the words to every song on jagged little pill????? Oh well, half way home at least 😊 hope your day is going well, I’ll check in later to hear all about how it went.

rich

[Catie 08]

Well if that's sad we can be sad together 😉

I only did 3 hours at work today. I just couldn't focus and was starting to get myself all worked up so I shut down my computer, went on the treadmill for 1 1/2 hours and followed it up with a soak in a bubble bath. I do feel a lot better for listening to what my mind was saying and slowing things down. Yesterday was pretty full on. Hopefully I can pull things together enough to get back to work tomorrow.

[Catie 08]

I just told my sister.

She was so super supportive and assured me that nothing happened to her - thank god!!

She wants to be with me when I tell mum and dad 🥰

I feel just a little bit lighter for telling her. I think it's going to be ok.