Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

I’m glad you have that support C, your so lucky to have that and hubby is lucky to have you. 🙂

Don’t worry about me, I’m used to fending for myself, starting to think that this is who I have to be, Maybe I’m too damaged for anything else.....getting used to who I used to be again after before I had my family. Just have to accept I don’t deserve what I had unfortunately. I had 9 years to open up but couldn’t, it wasn’t because I didn’t want to, god I did but at the same time I just couldn’t bear for her to know. Gotta love it... I’m struggling a bit, well a lot,but I have me to blame, I just have to use that pain and turn it into something positive. I’d be lost otherwise. That’s enough about that for now. I’m really glad you’ve had a better afternoon. It makes me happy to know your on the mend.

They do cook for us here, pretty spoilt really. Some of the guys don’t like the food but I’ll never complain about anything someone cooks ( I only eat at 730 at night so anything’s good lol).

Thinking about going to the gym. Can’t sleep again lol. Starting to feel like I’ll never sleep a full night ever again. God I hope this EMDR stuff works!!! Need to find a way to stop what keeps playing over in my head!!! There’s me talking about me again. God I’m a shocker.

Sorry, I’m the downer lol. But yeah, guess that’s what we have 🙂 I know you won’t judge me.
Thanks for that C

rich

[Catie 08]

You are a good person Richie. You absolutely deserve to be happy and I'm confident you'll get there. Your making huge steps in the right direction to help get you there.
I think the gym is a good idea. I don't know how you function, such long days with so little sleep.
Omg, what I would do to have someone cook for me every day - food always tastes better when someone else cooks it.

I hope sleep finds you after the gym

C.

[Richie01]

Thanks C,

I know im not a bad person, i have let my issues negatively impact others which i really cant begin to say how much i hate myself for but i have to be understanding as to why that happened i guess. I know that mdoesnt make me a bad person but it doesnt make it easier either....

How are you feeling today? Plenty of food before the big night ok!!! Eating is cheating when it comes to nights out lol. God, that used to be my motto!!! Guess i look at alcohol so much differently now. I used to dring every day on break. Now im lucky to drink a carton of beer in three weeks and no spirits at all. Sounds like something small but a carton and a bottle or two would not have lasted the weekend at my worst. (sometimes just one night!) but its funny how i could work for three weeks without a drop.

Have a good day at sports with the kids?

Rich

[Catie 08]

Hi Ritchie, so I made it through the weekend. I could do with another weekend to recover now though(I am not as young as in want to be!)

How have the last couple of days been for you?

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Glad to hear you made it through all be it with a little recovery required lol 😉Did you have a good time?

Ive been ok, just doing the usual.... My arms and chest hurt from the gym, think im not as young as i want to be either!!!

I had a bit of a text conversation with Sehra the other night, It went well all in all. Still no real indication of the possibility of working through this but it was nice to be able to chat about a few things (even if it was just a text conversation, Its all progress 😊). At the end of the day, ill do everything i possibly can to show her how much she means to me and hope somehow that i can have a chance to make up for not being the man she deserved, ill get all sappy but shes the only one ill ever love, no one has ever made me want to push through the walls of the past, what we had is worth everything i thought i would never face, i wish i had realized sooner how not ok i was but it took this for me to open my eyes sadly. I know that and i just want her to be happy no matter what. Its my dream that we can be happy together and be the family i have always felt so blessed to be a part of but yeah, time will tell wont it....

Did you keep you appointment for today? How are you feeling about everything that happened last week?

I know i know too may questions... Hope your well C, its good to hear from you.

Rich

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I'm glad to hear your texting with Sehra went well. Keeping those lines of communication open is absolutely key.

Just went to my Dr. Im now on 2 different meds. I need to take both for a while then if all goes well I'll wean off the older one but there is every possibility that I'll end up staying on both.

I think in nothing else, last week showed me I am actually sick and I need to be kinder on myself and give it time and not try and rush things. Super tired this arvo, an early night I think.
C.

[Richie01]

hey,

Your right about the communication, it is really important.

Hopefully the meds give you a little more relief from the intensity of what you are going through. Trust me, i understand how overwhelming it is and what it takes for us to function through those times. I’m feeling ok at the moment so I’m being pretty positive about it but i know I’m a few days away from it all falling apart again... Maybe thinking that way makes it happen but regardless of that, i know its coming and that feeling is something I’ve never talked about until recently.

I always saw this as something in my head. In a way, it is but your right, we are sick and the cure isn’t as simple as some soup and a hot water bottle. You need to take care of yourself C, give yourself the praise for how amazing and strong you are and allow yourself the time to heal. This is a journey, this is a life we share in so many ways that others dont get to see. We cant rush through what we have hidden for so long, it just doesn’t work like that but day by day, good times and hard times we grow stronger and slowly take another step towards the life we deserve. Its shit that we have to do this but its so great that we can talk about this at the same time. Meeting you has taken away some of the power my past has had on me and i notice that change every day. Thanks for being you .🙂

Get an early night Catherine, always here if you need a chat.

Rich

[Catie 08]

So the first lot of meds makes me sleepy and I put on weight, the second lot wakes me at 3:30am and reduces appetite- I am officially a walking talking contradiction 😂😂😂😂

I know it'll take a couple of weeks for things to settle but I think I'll be scheduling a nanna nap every day at lunch time- I feel like a zombie. I don't know how you function without sleep (I'm such a baby lol)

I hope you have a good day 😉

[Richie01]

Ha, Does sound a little that way. Im sure things will settle themselves out soon. Nanna naps would be great!!! I actually get really tired around lunch then i wake right up and have to force myself to sleep. Cant remember the last time i actually just crashed out. Ill get there eventually, my heads just too bloody busy doing its own thing lol.

Hope you have a good day too C.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
Its self care Wednesday!! Woop woop 🥳

Started the day at therapy - it went well but I'm feeling like a zombie on these new meds. Im sure it will settle soon. Then the biggest piece of mud cake and a coffee, a walk along the beach were I saw dolphins 🐬, then a massage... I love Wednesdays 🥰.

I hope your day as been ok.

Have you been doing any writing lately?