Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Hey catie, sorry I ended up having a breakdown of my own lol, on top of the other stuff my DV worker (the only person I really had left to trust has been moved to a different service too so I just completely shut down and felt like I had been abandoned by everyone.

I know the feeling, I am feeling completely drained of energy. Other than taking the kids to and from where they need to be and shopping I feel like I’ve just turned into a hermit who hides in their room all day and night. I just have no energy to do anything else and I’m constantly triggered at the moment, any form of violence on tv or the radio my heart is pounding, I get so shaky and on edge, pretty much just living in fight or flight constantly, it’s exhausting. I have a second apt with the new therapist on Saturday so hopefully she can help me with some tactics to manage my crazy emotions.

I think looking after yourself sounds like an amazing idea 😍 are both of your kids at school full time?

[Catie 08]

Hey, how did your 2nd appointment go with your new therapist? Yes, both at school.

I've just has 2 days off work, the weather was amazing, went for a few walks and I definitely had moments of feeling calmer but I'm working again today and feeling all muddled again. I think this self care thing will take some time.

[Catie 08]

After watching parental guidance last night with the stranger danger topic and then waking to the news that little Cleo has been found in WA.... it's been a triggering 24 hours. Feeling so muddled today, just need to remember to breath... our world can be such a shitty place

[Sophie_M]

Hi Catie08,

We hear you. Events like this can be really triggering. We'd recommend having a look at:

• The Blue Knot Foundation's pages on Survivors Self Care 
• This previous thread on self-care strategies that fit into a busy lifestyle 
• The Beyond Blue helpline if you'd like to talk it through on 1300 22 4636, or via our webchat or email here.

We hope that's some help. Thanks for sharing this here. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Anzee]

Hey catie, I haven’t seen parental guidance but Cleo’s case has definitely been triggering.

Do you have anyone that you’re close and comfortable with that you can just cry to or who can hold you or whatever helps you feel safe, calm and grounded? I don’t have that person but know that would help me feel better if I did haha.

we've talked in therapy a lot about the loss of my family and even though I know it’s true, I know it doesn’t matter what I say or do to them they’re not able to give me the support I need I’m still not ready to accept it. I’ve spent my whole life been told how lucky I am to have such an amazing and supportive family and even when I was separated from my partner all of our family friends said at least you e got your family for support you’re so lucky, after of course questioning me and telling me he wasn’t really that bad was he?! I have accepted that I can’t trust or rely on anyone else, it’s just me and my girls but I’m still trapped in that if I pretend everything’s fine and just tell everyone I made it all up or at least exaggerated it then maybe my family will accept me again maybe I’ll get all of my friends back.

we did very briefly try EDMR for the first time in therapy on Monday and it was good and helpful but by the 3rd round I wouldn’t let myself go back to the image/ memory. The first I was very distressed, 2nd a little bit less but was also avoiding letting my mind go back there, 3rd I was like nope not going back there, I did feel like I almost had some control over when the memories were going to affect me though which was pretty cool for a 10- 15 minute trial of it, so fingers crossed for some more progress.

[Catie 08]

I'm feeling a bit worried about going to therapy tomorrow. Last time I went I felt like he was annoyed with me so now I feel apprehensive about talking freely to him. I've had a rough few weeks. Last week I saw myself in the mirror but I didn't feel that it was me. My stress levels have been so high, triggers everywhere and I know I'm not coping. It's just too hard sometimes.

[Anzee]

Hey catie,

have you thought about trying a different therapist?

my previous psych was amazing and she got me started and through some of the hardest times of my life, but this new therapist I’ve started with actually specialises in DV and sexual abuse and every time I see her I leave feeling so much lighter because I feel comfortable talking to her about things I’ve never been able to talk with anyone else with face to face. I’ve found that her understanding and explanations into why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling are incredible, it doesn’t matter how ashamed or embarrassed I am of something she doesn’t even bat an eye, nothing is shocking or off topic, she validates every feeling I have and that has helped a lot.

obviously everyone is different, but I just wondered if you weren’t fully comfortable to speak your mind with your current therapist could it help meeting with a new one, even just to get a feel for someone new and trial if they have anymore to offer.

I hope todays session turns out to be amazing and comfortable and the stress and anxiety wasn’t needed. Let us know how you go if you feel up to it. Good luck