Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Hugs catie, it’s all so super tough. I feel like it’s always one thing after another in my life, like the girls and I were about to become homeless and we tried crisis accommodation and were on the waiting list to go to a refuge but it was all too hard and I wasn’t coping mentally so we’re now living with him again, against the recommendation of all services involved but I will say it’s taken my mind and struggles away from my childhood abuse and that is definitely not something I will complain about. I feel like anything is easier than dealing with childhood abuse/ trauma. We were literally almost homeless and lost all the support of family and friends but it was still more Manageable than trying to face and talk about that childhood abuse. Don’t get me wrong this has been unbelievably hard and there was stages I didn’t think I was going to survive it but coming out of that darkness just felt that bit closer.

Are you still working with the same therapist? I finally got the courage after more than a year to meet my therapist in person instead of Telehealth and now we’re back in lockdown so I feel like that’s another 3 steps back and I can already feel myself slipping deeper back into that denial.

[Catie 08]

Is it wrong that I fantasise about getting sick and refusing treatment so I don't have to do this anymore? The thought of there being an end to all of this gives me hope. I'm exhausted and I'm tired of the constant battle to keep my head above water.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Catie_08

We are so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time at the moment. Fantasising about such things is a reflection of the pain and exhaustion you are experiencing at the moment. We're glad that you're using our forum to connect with people and express your feelings. We hope that posting on here brings you some comfort. 

Please remember that you are not alone. We hope the forums help you to be aware of this fact. However, we also wanted to point out that, in addition to peer support, there is also professional support available. We are unaware of the current professional support you are using if any, but please know that you are always welcome to contact our Support Service for support and referrals. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. 

Additionally, if this suicidal ideation becomes stronger and too overwhelming for you, please do not hesitate to contact crisis support services, such as Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), or emergency services (000). 

Our community is always here to listen and support you. Please do continue to post as you see fit.

[Anzee]

Hope you’re getting lots of support catie.

Sometimes when I’m feeling really low I remind myself that I have been in that place before, I have felt those low low feelings and I have thought they were never going to go away or get better but it always has. I don’t write in my journal anywhere as it went missing for a while so I don’t feel safe writing in it, but luckily I was doing every day journal at a time when I felt the lowest and didn’t think it would ever improve so I was able to read back on those times and know that things would get better.

you’re a super tough human, and you can get through this. I believe in you.

[Catie 08]

Thanks Anzee.

I've managed to push everyone away so now I'm feeling so lonely whist trying to keep my head above water.

I went to therapy yesterday and didn't find it helpful at all. He kept saying that I have to change my thinking but when yourve been taught to think a certain way for the past 38years it's not as easy as snapping your fingers and everything changing. I'm stuck and I don't know how to unhook from it. I am so so so hard on myself. He kept saying that I need to stop trying to be better than others but I'm not trying to do that, I'm trying to be better than me. I'm the one judging me for not doing enough, I'm the one judging me for not being more and not being able to do the things I want to be able to do. It's not about others, it's about me.

I kept saying that I don't now how to change but I felt him getting frustrated with me.

I'm feeling very wobbly today. I've made an appointment with my GP but that's not until Monday so I just need to hold on tight until then.

[Anzee]

I could have written all of that myself, I can absolutely relate.

I always feel like my supports (I only really have professional supports) get so frustrated with me and tell me to stop with the negative self talk, change my thinking patterns etc and I always say if it was that easy I wouldn’t be in therapy. I know they mean well but honestly do they think we don’t try?!

how’s your relationship with your GP? Thankfully I’m pretty comfortable with mine and can talk to her about most things.

how’s everything going at home?
I wish I could wave a magic wand or snap my fingers and make everything better for you 😞 I wish I could do it for myself too lol.

I met a new therapist last weekend after losing my previous psych but I struggle so much to not overthink my situation and I keep telling myself the new therapist is probably already sick of me after one session because that abandonment and rejection was triggered when my previous psych told me she was leaving and the one she referred me to said she wasn’t the right fit, I know feel like I’m too messed up and too much work for any therapist. Obviously deep down I know it’s unlikely but you can’t just change that way of thinking, it takes a lot of work that’s for sure.

[Catie 08]

I'm only really allowing professional supports at the moment, I feel like such a burden to everyone else so I shut myself down and push everyone away. I tried to tell my husband how I was feeling last night but he's not the type of person you have a deep and meaningful with so when I told him about the thoughts I'm having he just frowned at me, he doesn't understand how I can be feeling the way I do and hates when I talk like that.

I'm feeling like I've been sucked into this depressive vortex and it's spinning so fast I can't claw my way out. It's exhausting!! I hate when people imply that we aren't doing enough because it is everything we have to just survive the day.

I don't spend a lot of time with the GP but I'm able to be honest with him.

It's hard to find the right fit in therapy, I'm starting to think after two years I might have reached the limit of benefits I can get from seeing him.... I'm not going to start again with someone new, I can't rehash all of that again, it's too much.

I hope that you can find the right therapist to help you soon x

[Anzee]

I spoke too soon, I had a call from our family services worker and she said she’d received risk assessment and she said it was bad and she’s very concerned for our safety so now I’m having panic attacks flat out again.

I think unfortunately, this is just going to be our life until we can begin to heal our deep deep wounds but I’m not sure how you’re actually supposed to do that when you have kids to care for 24/7. I always used to say to my psych I’ll do the work when my kids are old enough to look after themselves (my kids are extremely attached to me so she used to always respond with what? When they’re 16?) unless you have AMAZING support particularly with caring for your kids needs 24/7 I just don’t feel like we really get a chance to take care of ourselves, we’re so busy and distracted all the time and we have so much to do to keep everyone and everything going.

I am forever telling myself I want a break from therapy and that I just want to be back in my denial bubble, BUT unfortunately I think once you’ve let it out and become more aware it is super dipper hard to push it all back down.

I know when I lost my psych I was adamant I would never find or talk to someone else and that no one else was going to be able to help me but I’ve already learnt different therapists are trained in so many different and specific ways that every experience is different.

have you ever tried crisis counseling specifically for sexual assault? I was referred to a clinic who specialise in sexual assault and they do very specific and crisis counseling. After a few sessions they said they couldn’t work with me as I was being retraumatised in my relationship but I know people who have seen them and it really made that shift for them. I plan to connect with them again when the rest of my life settles down haha.

it’s so hard when the people you have to support you don’t understand mental health, my mum pretty much acts like mental health is just an excuse to not do things so I struggled so much to accept I needed help and that I wasn’t well and needed support, I still struggle now because I’ve grown up to believe you don’t ask for help and support you just push it down and move on with your life.

would he consider talking to someone to help support you? Our sexual assault clinic offers counseling, support and advice to families and loved ones of the victim.

hope you find something soon. X

[Catie 08]

I'm sorry to hear that this is the situation your in. It certainly feels impossible to do the work when your focus is the kids and others around don't understand the additional load we carry and the toll that it takes on our mind, body and soul.

I'm feeling so paper thin at the moment. Thankfully we have just been put into a snap lockdown so I am forced to stop and take a breather, even if it is just for a few days. Covid can have its blessings sometimes. I'm lucky that our kids are a bit older now and very self sufficient but even with that I'm always running for them. Please don't wait for them to be 16 to do the work, you will always be running for them, you will always be worried about and for them, if there is a way to start the work now, even if it's just in a small way, please try. It will ultimately benefit all of you.

I read something yesterday... you have made it through 100% of your hard days... it made me stop and think. Yes, I have survived every tough day I've ever had so far so it shows me it's possible, I'm just worried now because I'm feeling so worn out that it's not always going to be possible. I need to find ways to recharge to be able to continue to make it through.

[Catie 08]

I went to group therapy today and as soon as it started I felt like I shouldn't be there. I could feel all of the energy just drain away from me. I knew I was using my days reserve of energy just being there. I came home after and stuffed myself with chocolate and coffee trying to replenish my energy but all I could see was how much I'm punishing myself. I hate that I let myself get so depleted, I feel like it's going to an eternity to pull myself back out. That was the last group session for now, now it's time to stop and take better care of me.