Scrambled

Catie 08 · ‎04-05-2020

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

Catie 08 · ‎31-01-2021

Hi Anzee,

It sounds like you have had a lot going on since you last wrote.

I can't imagine what your going through right now. I'm glad to hear you and your family are safe and your getting the support you all need. I hope your psych appointment goes ok tomorrow.

I'm glad to hear that the school is also supporting you and your daughter at this time. A gradual transition sounds like a good plan.

You are so strong and brave Anzee, although this all must feel really overwhelming atm, stay focused and what is right for you and the kids and above all, don't forget to breath. I have no doubts that there will be speed bumps along the way but I also have confidence that you'll get through this. You've got this!

I'm never to far away if you need.

C.

Anzee · ‎20-03-2021

How is everyone?

im still separated feom my partner and can’t get back with him until he has completed some behaviour change courses says child protection which has been incredibly hard. But I’m actually feeling pretty good. Feeling stronger slowly and the kids are so much happier. But I still miss him and want my familiar life back that feels safe unlike such unknown territory of solo parenting and dealing with legal services preventing me from going back.

hows therapy, work and your support group catie?

Catie 08 · ‎26-03-2021

Hi Anzee, sorry it took me so long to get back to you!
I'm glad to here that you and the kids are doing well. Your showing such strength during such an uncertain time.
I hope your partner is able to complete the required course soon to enable you both to work through the next steps into the future and return some form of normality to your lives.

I've been having a bit of a rough time lately. I've just been a bit overwhelmed with everything and its surprising how quickly it drags you down when it happens. I almost took a mental health day at work yesterday but I feel obligated to go because I knew I had heaps of work. Thankfully today is Friday and the weekend should provide some relief. I've got some time off over Easter so I'm looking forward to taking that time to recharge my batterys and do some self care.

I tried to make an appointment with my psychologist yesterday but I can't get in until 20th April... not ideal....

I hope you have a lovely day x
C.

Catie 08 · ‎31-03-2021

Not doing so well today. Anxety has taken hold, feeling sick panicky and totally overwhelmed.

Its so strange that I have disclosed my childhood trauma to my family and have worked on it with my psychologist any yet still im here feeling like I'm drowning. Its not even the trauma menories, more the residual feelings that a life of living it has left behind. More than anything I would just like to cry my eyes out but I've spent a life time hiding this from everyone and not getting emotional about it was a coping strategy which is now causing more harm than good. Agghh its just all too hard!!!!

Anzee · ‎02-04-2021

Sorry I closed off again because things got too much but I completely understand where you’re coming from. I very rarely cry in front of people other than my psych and my psych has told me a few times that I need to start crying more when I need to instead of holding it in. I still go back and forth but last week I went to a friends house layed on her couch for half the day and just cried my heart out while she entertained and watched my 4yo for me and it was actually so amazing. I have actually only just started crying properly with my psych too. Like I’ve cried to her a few times but the last 2 sessions I have spent most of it crying my heart out and it really does help. It’s almost like a release. Then yesterday I unexpectedly got triggered by all of my friends going on holidays, camping trips etc with their families for the long weekend and the Easter holidays and I had to come home and cry for half an hour before I went to work, I just couldn’t stop it made me want my family back so badly so we could go away on family trips. My psych also told me on Monday night she actually works with convicted perpetrators of domestic family violence and she sent me a sheet she has done with her clients on different types of abuse they used. I ticked the boxes of the abuse he uses and there was 20 something different types so my psych told me that was an extensive amount of abuse and she has no doubt that I have experienced that level of violence from him as I just struggle so badly to accept it’s true so always doubt my experiences, minimise them until I convince myself I’ve exaggerated everything and none of his abuse was actually that bad (even though he’s admitted to all of it) anyways that became all about me very quickly but y point was childhood abuse literally lives in every aspect of your life and it’s so not fair and it’s so hard but crying (for me anyways) almost let’s me validate by pain. I hope you can find some time to let your tears out. I see you, I hear you and I UNDERSTAND!! 💓

Catie 08 · ‎13-04-2021

Today I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm sitting in a dingie off the west coast of Tasmania in the 50ft swell that they just had, trying to hang on and not throw up.
I just wish I could get a break from it.

Anzee · ‎15-04-2021

It’s so hard and so unfair. I hate that we have to feel all of these big and painful emotions. I feel like we’ve already been through enough, surely things should be easier for us. I hope you’re getting lots of love and support. X

Anzee · ‎19-04-2021

How are you feeling catie? Hope things have improved and you’re not feeling as anxious/ on edge. X

Catie 08 · ‎18-08-2021

I'm doing it a bit tough today. I haven't been here for a whilst, I've been working of some different type of therapy ACT and IFS and have been seeing some good results. I have been able to help the hurt inner child who was stuck in the traumatic moments of the past. It's like she was waiting for someone to rescue her, I just didn't realise she was waiting for me. 30 + years she waited and now that I have done this I feel that she is gone. It's like she has collapse in exhaustion and died. It sounds ridiculous but I feel like I'm grieving for her. I am feeling equally as exhausted but trying to push through to do my work and raise my family. It's hard work. I wish I could just sleep for a month to try and regain some energy.

Catie 08 · ‎20-08-2021

I hate that some days I can be fine and then others I can feel completely engulfed by the pain and feelings of being overwhelmed. I just want to be able to live my life and move forward but somehow I'm constantly being pulled backwards, like I'm not allowed to be ok. It's like I belong with the pain and no matter what I do I keep ending up back in it.