Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Do you think you’ll see him more frequently after that month? Does it still feel helpful? I can’t imagine not needing my psych haha but 5- 6 months ago I also couldn’t imagine getting my thoughts out of that overwhelming dark place that never seemed to budge or dull but now I have a lot of happy and functional periods throughout the day and the lows are so much more manageable and rarely lead to thoughts of not being able to survive it. I just feel guilty that she is my main source of real life support. I’ve tried using family and friends but my family are just too hard to talk to and I only have one friend that really understands my mental health because she’s dealing with her own mental health issues. It’s a lonely road that’s for sure.

[Catie 08]

Im not sure if if I'll go quiet as often after the next appointment?? Part of me feels that I need to cut the apron strings?? I think
I'll always go but perhaps just for a maintenance appointment to make sure I'm staying on track every now and then. It's so hard to know what's right... some days I feel that I can do without it and other days I wish I could just take my swag and stay there until I'm better 🤷‍♀️

[Anzee]

I’m still in camping out phase 😂 how long have you been seeing him and how often did you start out if you don’t mind me asking? Do you feel like that really dark week was another stage of healing you worked through?

I wish I could go without but then I just think how far I’ve already come even though before I had suppressed it so good I would barely even flinch when I heard his name. Now I can’t even watch a rom com if it has any sex scenes because I end up triggered 🤷🏼‍♀️ So up and down and frustrating.

[Catie 08]

I've been seeing him for about a year. Prior to that I had seen a number of different counselors and psychs over about 10 years but I wasn't trully ready to be helped and stopped going when things got hard. Initially I was going every week (sometimes twice a week). I hear you... to start with I felt like I couldn't go without it, it was my lifeline.
I've done a lot of hard work and made a lot of head way over that time but there are still things that trigger me.
I'm at the point that I can now try to push myself to use the tools that I've learnt to try and get myself through the tricky days.... it doesn't always work, but I'm now at a stage that I can at least try.
The rough week i had comes down to how hard i am on myself. I am brutal. I am a perfectionist, I need to always be in control, if I think I've done something wrong or could do something wrong I instantly believe that I have failed and I shut down. My biggest problem at the moment is trying to undo 30 plus years of coping strategies that got me this far but are now causing more harm than good.
You'll know when your ready to go without and until then, stick with it if you can. If you try and rush the process you may end up back at step1 ❤

[Anzee]

I just get really anxious before my sessions still because I’m still so worried about what she thinks of me, that she thinks I’m crazy etc. I feel like a burden too, I’m so not used to letting all my feelings and problems out to people m, I’ve always been the one that sorted out everyone else’s troubles and lives and I’m just so affected and distressed by strong emotions still and am always going back and forth and in and out of denial every week so it makes me feel like a huge burden and I just don’t know how to stop having these feelings. I always feel so much better after sessions but the lead up is full of panic. I also struggle so badly to talk out loud I write her emails (sometimes novels) before our sessions because that’s literally the only way I can tell her the scary stuff. I just feel like I rely on her too much because I don’t have any other supports really. I feel even more crazy for having all of these crazy anxious thoughts about therapy 😂

[Catie 08]

Hi Anzee,

I can't tell you how familiar this sounds to me. Feeling like a burdon, feeling like you have to do this on your own, getting anxious about therapy... I get it!

All I can suggest is to keep working on it, keep turning up when things feel hard, keep pushing through and eventually those feelings will ease. None of this is easy but we are all here to support each other every step of the way 😊 yourve got this 💪

[Anzee]

Oh my lord I went for my walk tonight after not going all week with the heat. I didn’t realise how much walking helped me process my thoughts. My sister is here from interstate and she has been talking about things from our childhood (I have barely any memories from childhood) and she had been talking about problems I had as a teen that filled me with guilt (that was not her intention) but she was also talking about our nanas late husband who was not a nice person and she had already told me about my dad disliking and not trusting my abuser so processing what she said today about my dad not trusting my nanas late husband took me back to what she said about my abuser and I was crying (lucky I had sunglasses lol) and I just had these surges of anger which made me feel guilty because I felt like they were towards my dad even though he was a kind and loving person (he died when I was 11) so I just felt horrible feeling that anger and being so confused about who it was directed to. She was saying things like my dad used to run out of the house when either of them came to our house and would say he had something to do out there because he didn’t want to be around them. She did talk about him trying to get us out of the house too but it didn’t often work but I’m just feeling so emotional for some reason. She was also talking about things my nanas late husband would do to us to scare us and I always knew we were scared of him and hated him but I didn’t have the visual memories of what he used to do so I think I just find it really hard not to have those memories of my own, even when they are described by others.

[Catie 08]

I can only imagine how difficult that is for you.
Im glad that your sister is with you and you have someone that you can talk to. It's ok and normal and natural to be upset when revisiting these things. It's all progress, but it will take time.
I hope your able to enjoy your time with your sister whist she's with you.
Yes, the walks...... I desperately need to start exercising again it helps so much. Perhaps we need to make each other accountable to ensure we are getting the excercise we need???
How about you Richie, have you been exercising whilst on leave?? Swimming perhaps? I understand there has been a bit of water around in your part of the country ☔🌧

[Anzee]

Nightmares are intense also at the moment so sleep is broken which always makes me feel worse but I’m slowly getting through.

yep I was going walking every night but I was diagnosed with a heart condition earlier in the year and the way they found it was me getting dizzy spells and eventually fainting, I had a procedure done to fix it but I went walking in 36 degrees a few weeks ago and I got so dizzy and thought I was going to faint so I haven’t been walking in heat since then and last week was over 30 every day until Friday haha. The thing is once I take a couple of nights off it’s so hard to get back into it lol, I’m thinking I might just do it week days and only weekends if I really feel like it to take some of the pressure off and not make it feel like a chore. I didn’t go yesterday because I had work, picked up lay bus, wrapped presents, went to a friends 30th then went Xmas lighting and tried to fit in walking because I felt obliged but I couldn’t fit it in so just decided to not be strict on weekends and make it more achievable lol.

[Catie 08]

Would you be interested in something else on days when walking isn't possible? My sister just tagged me in a free online yoga class?? It is called yoga with adriene. It might not be your thing but it might be something low impact for those hot days?? I used to do yoga every week and loved it 🧘‍♀️