Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey C,

I hope your feeling a little more settled. I know how crappy it all gets. I still havnt gone back to the meds. I have been tempted but for me, the inability to function without them in the past after being on them has sort of made me hesitant to go back. For most of this year ive been tempted but im glad i didnt. I know there will bea lot of times in the future where they are tempting.... Its a personal choice but for me, I feel that its been a better decision.

Have you been doing any writing? I know that its hard to make sense of it all and it makes even less sense on paper but it has been something you have done a lot of in the past and it seemed to help then. You know me C, probably better than most people i have met, Its funny how easily we can open up and share when we know we dont have to hide ourselves. You know i know where you are at and that i understand how hard it can all become. We are still on the journey we didnt choose but have had to undertake but youll never be alone on it. Your worth the time and your going to get there 😊

Anzee, Im glad you have a good doc too. It really does make a huge difference doesn't it. Being able to express even the most unfounded thoughts without feeling judged is a pretty emancipating thing. We are who we are, sure we have a few scars from the past but scars fade, They make us stronger even if they have to hurt us to do that. One day at a time, just remember to love yourself in the process, thats the part i struggle with the most but the days i do look at myself and am happy are the ones i want to work towards. Self doubt is massive with what we have been through, its the hardest thing to look past but when we manage to, it makes a huge difference. Those days, the ones we dont doubt are the ones this road leads to. We will all be here to keep each other on track 🙂

Anyway, almost out of characters again lol. Guess id better do some work.... 44 degrees is the forecast here today. Dont need the BBQ to cook sausages today 😂 Hope you both have a great day, you deserve it.

Take care

[Catie 08]

I went to the Dr yesterday and he has given me the rest of the week off work... I actually feel really unwell (mentally not physically). I guess I have always struggled with that.... unless you can put a bandaid on it then it can't be real 🤷‍♀️.

I have been doing some writing but yesterday I came home from the doctor and took a sleeping tablet and didn't wake until the kids came home... then took another sleeping tablet at night time. Feeling a bit better for the rest (as fake as that kind of rest can be) just exhausted now.

I actually think that my last therapy session triggered this. I keep coming back to my fear of failure and need for perfection and at my last session I felt that some home truths were realised that have shaken me up.

I'm actually thinking of giving therapy a break?? I don't have another appointment for a couple.of weeks but I'm.not sure if I'm going to go to it - it really shock me up that much.

I've also been having some serious down thoughts, things like checking my life insurance policy and thinking if i was ever diagnosed with something serious I wouldn't do any treatment. Not that I'm going to do anything silly but if my time is up then I'm ok with that. I'm exhausted and I'm about done with having to keep pushing through.

Im officially.out of leave after this week so I'm hoping I'm going to be ok enough to get back to work next week to help pay the bills 🤞

[Sophie_M]

Dear Catie 08

We're so sorry to hear that you're going through such a difficult time at the moment. We're glad to hear that you went and visited your doctor. Sometimes therapy can make you feel worse before you start to feel better, especially if triggering things were brought up in the session. We encourage you to either speak to either your doctor or therapist about this. Talking to your therapist about this is particularly important so that they can be mindful of going forward. It sounds like you're dealing with some heavy thoughts around not seeking treatment if you were to become sick, but we are glad to hear that you said you aren't going to do anything silly. Please continue to be strong and to reach out to our community for support. We are always here to listen and support you. Should things become too overwhelming for you, please remember that there is help available and that you can always contact services like Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 

[Anzee]

Hey catie, do you think it’s something your therapist said or realising the impacts the abuse has/ had on your entire life? I’m was in a really dark scary and lonely place for about a month when I first started talking about and addressing my abuse and a few months later I’m still not completely accepting of it but I have acknowledged that it was real with my psych and how much it has affected SO many parts of my life and personality. I’m just taking my nieces for a work and will reply in more detail after I just wanted to check in and let you know as fark and scary as it feels and that it feels like there is no way it’s going to get better or easier IT DOES!!! Trust me I was at the lowest of lows at one point I didn’t know how I was going to survive it but I did and I’m so grateful

[Richie01]

Thats rough C. You know what tho, I could screenshot that and explain exactly how i felt last break. I couldnt even post here because i felt so inadequate or something similar. Your here tho, your stronger than you give yourself credit for 😉

The dark thoughts are just that C, they come to us when everything weighs heavily upon us. They are just thoughts tho, deep down you know that as much as i do when i have them. Than being said, i know anyone saying that doesnt take away their emotional strength. I wish i could help, that i could say something to put your mind at ease and give you some respite from all of this. I dont pretend to have the answers but experience has taught me that slowly, day by day, the seas will calm, the storms in our minds will pass and the sun will shine again.

Worrying about money... My god, on top of everything else its the worst. Looking back, i think finances tipped me over the edge a couple of years ago. Dont feel like a burden C, I know thats how you would be feeling if you couldnt provide, it would be adding fuel to the proverbial fire and how could it not ''I keep coming back to my fear of failure and need for perfection''... This alone would trigger that, let alone everything else you are going through. You are only a burden to someone if they dont deserve you in their life. If you have to live to an expectation, live to the one i have for you. Love yourself and be you, take the time you deserve for you and dont ever think you are not worth anything because you are worth everything.

I get it C. I understand everything you are saying but just because you cant put a band aid on it, it doesnt mean it wont heal. Ask yourself where you were at the start of the year, think about how much you have achieved and be proud of that. What you have achieved already will open the door to more achievements. There will be hurdles and right now youve hit one, the road is long and there are many challenges, how many have we passed along the way already??? We have passed them tho. I know its exhausting but the end result is worth it. Your doing an amazing job C, be proud of who you are, I admire what you have achieved and you need to do the same because everything you have done is nothing short of amazing. Do you remember when telling your family was impossible?..... Everything is possible 🙂

Youll always have my support, no matter what. Thats just the way it is 😊

Stay in touch but take the time you need ok.

Always here, Rich

[Anzee]

Hey again catie,

as you know I have really struggled with acceptance, denial, intrusive and overwhelming and dark thoughts and not sure if I’ve mentioned in your thread but I’ve even had thoughts of suicide, it was so so scary and I ended up contacting the suicide call back line over chat and that was enough to get me through my feelings. I have discovered that when I have really dark and scary thoughts or any big realisations whether they’re about myself, experiences, my partner etc I always need to chat online with someone, sometimes when I’ve been in complete distress I have been able to call 1800respect or blue knot but usually I’m a writer not a talker, I email any big thoughts or realisations to my psych before our phone apts and she has been so catering to what I need and addresses my fears and thoughts in our sessions for me so I don’t have to say them out loud. But in between our sessions web chats with 1800respect have got me through so many times and emails to blue knot have worked if I’m not in immediate need of support as they usually take a few days to reply and they will answer my thoughts through email but also will get one of their councellers to read through my emails and then call me and respond to my thoughts and questions and they are very reassuring that EVERYTHING I feel is valid and a normal response to the trauma, there is nothing wrong with us, we are not broken, we have just been exposed to severe trauma which has caused our minds and bodies to go into trauma responses. Web chats and emails just allow me to get all of my feelings and questions out and then with the responses and support I get it allows me to go through and process everything in my mind and connects the reasons for having those feelings and how they relate to my trauma and I have managed to ground myself a lot quicker and more frequently than I did before. Definitely try and talk to your psych if you can and if you don’t feel comfortable with their response maybe try someone new? We’re here otherwise to help you through..

[Catie 08]

I have it so good...

I have a loving husband, beautiful kids, a good job and a lovely home.... but why do i feel so empty? It's not right.

Today I've been thinking.... apart from the fact the hygiene wasn't great, maybe there is a reason why people didn't live to be a big age years ago... maybe we just aren't supposed to? Don't worry, still not going to do anything stupid, just thinking about life's big questions....

[Anzee]

Hey catie, you’re amazing and brave and strong and these feelings will pass, BUT you have every right to feel the hurt and confusion right now, you had something so big taken from you as a child and you didn’t understand it, you were an innocent vulnerable child so it has affected who you are, your personality, your spirit, your trust, a part of you was taken with the abuse BUT you can get it back!! And you will!! Once these feelings settle a bit maybe try and think of a motivator to feel these horrible, painful feelings so that you can get through to the greener grass on the other side.. I hope this isn’t sound like some cheerleader type statement because that’s really not my intention I just feel like if I knew this was going to be the process before things started to heal I think it would have been easier to cope through the worst of it (not that I know I’ve been through the worst of it yet) but if I haven’t I now know that it does get better and I will be ok, that was the scariest thing for me, feeling so unsure that I was going to get through to the other side.

Past generations smoked and drank without a clue to what it did to their health, medical resources were very minimal, diseases, illnesses etc that very rarely have a fatal outcome in this generation killed huge amounts of people and there just wasn’t the knowledge, skills, or opportunities for better health and lifestyle we have now.

it’s so so hard but please believe when I say you will feel better, you did NOTHING wrong and you can do this, your feelings are a normal response and you’re not weak or crazy.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

How are you travelling today?

Pondering the big questions.... Its always fun!! Im of the strong opinion that people live longer now because of Netflix! If we didn't have another 30 years, we would never see the next series of stranger things nor have the time to get through every series of Vikings. Its that simple 🙂.( Maybe hygiene plays a small part... But not a big one lol).

You have so much good in your life C, I know sometimes the positives are overshadowed but they are there and always will be. Sometimes it just takes a little time for the focus to get back on them but it will.

Right now is the time to slow down a little and accept that the thoughts are not always going to be how things necessarily are. Its like having a biased ref in a game, the decisions/thoughts will always be one sided and not fair. Pretty soon the ref will be swapped out and it will be a fair game again. Its going to be OK C. You have taught me that 😉

I hope you have a better day,

Always here, Rich.

[Catie 08]

Netflix - that's my problem! I don't have any pay tv (I know right, what a weirdo!). I just hate the idea of having to pay to watch tv?? I'm so old school.

So I've just eaten half a jar of nutella.... feeling a bit sick but it was to be expected and totally worth it.

I had a proper meltdown this afternoon... I called SASS whilst in tears and had a talk to one of their psychs. She was very nice and had helped me to calm down finally. We spoke about what I was happening for me at the moment and she made me realise that I am still putting far to much on my plate and I need to remember to say no more than I do. I need to schedule some proper me time (not just tick the boxes). I think my afternoon has a long hot bubble bath in it 🛀.

It is my birthday on Sunday and I plan to go for a bush walk with some friends instead of doing what every one else wants me to do (I'm not into big family events, I don't like being the centre of attention).

Hopefully a calm weekend will have me back on track for work on Monday 🤞

You guys are awesome, thanks for having my back 🥰