Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Anzee]

Sometimes it does help to learn these things about ourselves though and give a name to our behaviour if that makes sense?

Oh man don’t even get me started on the overprotection of the kids, I am terrible for it especially because their dad does have a bit of a temper I’m forever trying to shelter them from any negative.

[Richie01]

Hey C and Anzee,

Being protective.... I think we have all of the reasons and more to be. It can become a trigger in itself tho can’t it, the constant need to know everything, the anxiety that comes with having to step back and let them out of our sight.... I know personally I tried so hard to hold back how I felt, how I feel when I’m not there with them. Those feelings are intense but we need to hide them most of the time, for their benefit, for the benefit of others and just so we can hold it all together ourselves. It is something that is our nature I guess.
I look back now when I was part of that family and all of the things I worried about... god they don’t scratch the surface any more but we do it for the right reasons even if they do come from something that that can’t be reasoned with.
I know what you are saying C, once I started, I didn’t know where to stop. When I first started talking about it, I was so refrained from letting too much out, as time went on tho, I found myself almost to the point where it had become me. Explaining me, the me I had never talked about had become the only me I did talk about. Like I owed everyone an explanation or something. Maybe it desensitised me to the pain, maybe it made me feel accepted.... maybe it just made me feel like I didn’t have to hide which was a feeling I’d never known. I think I over did it all of those years ago, I lost the filter between needing to talk and talking because it had become me if that makes sense, like it defined me... I don’t know if that makes sense but I’m pretty sure you’ll understand what I’m trying to say.
just spoke with my wee ones for the first time in almost a month 🥰 Ive been too scared to talk to them or ask sehra if I can... almost panic button moments where I expect her to say I’m not welcome in their lives. I hate this feeling, I don’t know how to stop it tho. They’re my world, the one thing that I’m proud of and always will be. I don’t want my past to be a part of who their dad is in their minds, i wish I could wipe my tears from their memory, it hurts to know they have seen me break down but I’ve got to accept that they have. God I miss them.
anyway, I guess I’m on the mend, back to the 1000 word essay richie you were probably happy to have had a rest from lol.
I hope you have both had a good afternoon, I havnt had a chance to post until now, work is mayhem. Mayhem is great tho!!! How good is being too busy to think sometimes...

I’m glad we have this🙂
rich

[Catie 08]

Yay, Richie is BACK 🥳

I've missed this😊

Yes! It feels so good to not have to lie any more but now I just don't know when to stop. And yes, it has absolutely become me - I get it.

I'm glad to hear that you were able to speak with the kids. I know how much i struggle and I see my kids every day... I can't even begin to imagine the additional stress and worry you face not being near them. I guess the best thing we can all do regardless of the distance is to have the type of relationship with our little people where they feel able to talk to us - about anything and always know we are there to listen unconditionally and with no judgment.

I don't know what's harder, trying to make it through life in one peice or trying to be a good parent - life is HARD!

[Richie01]

I think being a good parent gets us through in one piece. The struggle is always there. I know I don’t just speak for myself but I’ll say I do. Sometimes I feel like my kids deserve better, like my past has made me a father they deserve better than. I look at the way I act, the things I say and the times I’ve been too lost in my mind to allow myself to get lost in the world that their minds are creating. My son wants to camp in the back yard and have a small fire to pretend he’s camping in the forest surrounded by trees and animals but some days I can’t take the ten steps out of my bed to make that imaginary place real for him. The girls want to wear make up do look like a princess but the thought of them like that almost gives me chills. I feel like I’m always there but a lot of the time, I’m not really there. I sit at the beach and watch them enjoy the waves, hear them laugh and smile as the water washes them off of their little feet. The moments I should be in the moment with them are there but I’m looking around to make sure no one is watching them, that one of my babies don’t wander too far from where I can protect them so instead of making those moments memories, they become the daily chore in a way...

yet as much as I see I fail them, as much as my pain makes me feel like they deserve more, they always love me, they always want me to be there, to hold them, to fall asleep beside them, to hold them when they are sick and hold them just because that’s what they want. For everything I see as a fault, they don’t. That’s what holds me together. So at my worst, when it all feels like who I am isn’t who they deserve, knowing I’m all they want is what makes me know that in their eyes at least, I am a good parent. I forget that sometimes but when it all falls apart, they are the glue that holds me in place. Even if the rest of my life falls apart, if everyone else becomes a memory of a time gone bye, they will be there to make the memories that count.

Being there for them unconditionally, without judgement or excuse, being for them who I never had and probably won’t ever have is who I am for them and to me, if I can be that, then I think I will have Found my peace.
like I said, I speak for myself there but I know that echoes quite loudly.

sappy me is back lol

[Catie 08]

I took my eldest daughter to see her councillor today all I could think was "did I cause you anxiety? ", "am I the reason that your struggling?" And then she pipes up when we are in the car and tells me that she loves me 😭. I'm feeling very confused today

[Richie01]

We always question if we have caused things and its almost a pre determined response to accept responsibility. You are there for her, you support her and get her through, get her the help or advice that you may not be able to offer... Your a great mum and her telling you she loves you cements that C. Dont be confused, just be proud for everything you are, not the things you feel you might not be 😉

[Catie 08]

I'm having a self pitty party today...

I wish I could just lock myself in the broom cupboard with a jar of nutella and a spoon and not come out until I was all better.

I know it will pass... I don't have a choice... just feeling completely deflated.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

how did the rest of your day go? Hope your feeling a little better. I know where your at, different circumstances but it’s the same place. Always here when I can be if you need a chat.
Rich

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

Yes feeling a bit better now thanks. I went to the online GROW group tonight and it got me out of my head. I spent the day listening to the same songs over and over and over... they feel like an old friend.... they provide me with a sense of understanding what I'm feeling.... but they can also drag me down further if I'm not careful - does that make sense??

[Richie01]

I still havnt chosen a song in weeks, the radio is as far as I’ve gone but I turn it off most of the time at the moment. I’m almost scared of music at the moment, the flood of memories, the moments in time a song can pin point and draw every focus we have on as if we were in that moment. I love music, I miss it but Ive had to avoid it for a bit. It makes sense in every way C.

Im glad your feeling a bit better, it sounds like this group helps you which is awesome and I’m really happy that you have found something else to help. Wouldn’t it be great if there was one thing that could fix this, one place or dr that had all of the answers.... it’s a journey and a half isn’t it. I’m slowly getting there too, finding ways to manage and come to terms with me. I think I’m finding myself but in doing so, I’m also finding this feeling that I’ve been too content with too much, that I’ve accepted the life I had because I thought it was expected or it was where I was so it’s what I had to do. I’m not saying that choices made were wrong, just that I accepted a lot of things because I felt like I was expected to or something along those lines. Its pretty confusing but it’s important I think. The hard choices have already been made which makes it easier. I guess I have to focus on what’s right for me now. What a hell of a year it’s been right!!!
have you been working? Sorry I’ve been out of things, feel like I’ve lost touch with how things have been for you.
rich