Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey Catherine,

my app was not what I thought. She was a clinical psychologist and decided not to start the EMDR today but wants to take me as a patient instead and yeah.... she seems really nice but I feel like I’ve just gone two steps backwards. Gotta love the roller coaster but I’ve got two apps with her before I go back to work and we will see what comes of it I suppose.
how have you been? Things going ok?

[Catie 08]

I'm sorry to hear that today didn't go as planned. Is this a different person than you were seeing before?

I'm actually working today. Still feel easily overwhelmed but I feel like I'm on the right path now. I spent yesterday catching up with friends which was nice.

I'm kind of hanging out for therapy on Wednesday. I think I just need to reset again after having such an eventful few days. I'm already starting to think about talking to my brother and how tuat kigjt pan out but I don't want to rush it and wear myself out either. It's quiet the balancing act.
Lots of deep breaths...... 😊

[Richie01]

It definitely is a balancing act but you seem to be doing it quite well 🙂

good to hear you caught up with your friends, I forget what that’s like these days. Guess I’ve been so good at pushing everyone away That I’ve succeeded in not having anyone close enough to know me. Hard habit to shake but I’ll start again at some stage. Yeah, it’s a different dr, same practice but she’s like the head dr and thinks I need to see her instead. Guess that’s nice in a way, twice as expensive lol but what’s money right???
Take your time C, you’ve come further than you ever thought you would so do it in your time like you have. I know you’ll get there. Still so proud of you for coming this far 😊

chat soon,

rich

[Catie 08]

I know exactly what you mean about pushing people away, ive only got a couple of close friends now so I'm doing what I can to keep them close. So much time spent pushing people away thinking that I'm protecting myself (or them)... I wish I knew then what I know now. A solid support crew is so important, thankfully I still have a few that have refused to give up on me, they are like gold 😊.

They must think she is the best person to help, hopefully the next couple of appointments go well for you. Im glad you thought she was nice, thats a good start 😊

Its such a shame that it all costs so much but I know for me it's the best money I've ever spent (apart from ivf of course lol). Whilst ive be in and out of therapy for my whole adult life, now im actuality ready to be helped the progress ive made in 5 months is phenomenal and the money ive spent is irrelevant.

Happy first aiding tomorrow 😉

[Catie 08]

The pre-therapy anxiety has got me good today 😖. I haven't spoken to him since I spoke to my sister so we have a bit to go over. I know it's going to be fine but - yikes! Anxiety is not much fun.

[Richie01]

You know and I know it will be fine. Fine doesn’t change the crap tho does it... I’m hearing you, another dentist app this afternoon, i only went last week but the feelings don’t get any easier 😬 We have a whole lifetime of this to get past and we are getting there slowly. Some days feel like we go backwards, god knows it feels that way but we are moving forward and that’s something we both have to be proud of. Are you ok? I know how taxing it is, always here if you want to chat.
rich

[Catie 08]

The dentist again! What a week your having 😖.
I'm ok, just over thinking everything - you know how it is 🤦‍♀️.
I'm also ment to be meeting up with my team from work tonight for dinner. I haven't seen them in person since March - so much has changed! Just an additional level of stress I perhaps don't need on my plate.
Tonight's goal is to not burst into tears in front of them, wish me luck 😬

[Richie01]

Always wish you luck c. 🙂

yep. 2500 dollars later I cam smile again for me this time. Progress is good!!! Hope dinner goes ok. Here for you if you need a debrief.

[Catie 08]

I just made my therapist cry!

He was so pleased to hear that I had spoken to my sister and that she had been so supportive. Not that I want to make anyone cry but I'm feeling super proud of myself now. So much so that I'm sitting in the local cafe with a coffee and the biggest slice of mud cake 🏆

Wow, you'll need to go back to work after that bill - ouch!

Dinner last night went well. There were no tears so I'll class that as a win 😊.

Training for you again today??? I hope your doing ok, it's been a big week for you and we are only half way there.

Chat soon

C.

[Richie01]

Hey, tears are good for the right reasons 🙂

glad you made it through your dinner, I can imagine it would have been a bit full on of a thought after the week you’ve had but that’s awesome to hear.
no training today so I went for a fish at 3 am lol. Guess I was up and couldn’t sleep so why not right 🙂 caught a few nice ones so that’s a bonus. Training again tomorrow tho 😔 then off to mum and dads with the kid let’s Friday afternoon back to therapy and the dentist again on Monday... feel like I need a holiday from time off ha.
Got plans for the weekend?

rich