Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey,

Yeah, my birthday was a non event lol. Sehra is in hospital inth meningitis so i didnt even get a call with the kids as everyone forgot which kind of sucked but is ok at the same time...Older and wiser now tho 😉

Clearing our thoughts becomes impossible I guess it has to be that way though... I used to be able to block things out but those days for better or worse are now over. How do we clear our mind when the focus is moving past the things we want to forget and heal from. We are both in a place where clearing our thoughts will has taken on the face of addressing our past. Our minds are telling us that its time, that these thoughts are ready to be dealt with.

I see where you are coming from about telling your siblings. Dont feel like you are committing them to hiding the truth or having to lie. There are things that have to be said and they are going to suck for every reason they are going to suck but for you as much as for them, this will be a really important step. We all have a story,it is shared with who we can share it with and its not always a story that is meant to leave that conversation. Did you ever consider that talking with me was possible? Granted we have never met and what we speak about isnt going to find its way into the lives of your family but the fact that you have been able to start, that what is shared here is a privilege and is safely held by those who read it has proven that it is possible. Your siblings will be like we are here, there will be more emotion, thats inevitable but with that will come a relief like no other. We have hidden it for long enough, we have sheltered everyone else and taken things in so deep that for them to come out does feel like an insurmountable challenge but you have already taken the first steps and youve formed a foundation that will support you for every future step along the way. It has to be in your way and in your own time. There is no rush, no pressure and no matter what, disclosing this when you are ready will be the right decision. Id give you a hug right now if i could, i know how alone these times can make us feel but just know that you are not alone and you wont ever be. Youve got this C and for what its worth, ive got your back.

Would have been a good day out with the family for the fun run even if it wore you out, at least you didnt have to hit the treadmill that day😉

Always here for you C, youll never be a burden here and youll always have support.

Hope you have a good day,

Rich

[Catie 08]

Hi Croix, thanks for the music inspo, ill be sure to check them out 😊.

I know what you mean about some songs being annoying- Happy by Pharrell Williams makes me want to brake things, I just can't stand it. I said that to someone once and they just looked at me like I was weird, but I think you'll get it.
C.

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

That really sucks that you didn't get to talk with the kids - it also sucks that Sehra is unwell... I'm kind of glad that I sang happy birthday now (all be it very pitchy and completely off key). Not long now and you'll get to see them.

Your right, it's impossible to clear my mind - it's constant but I guess that's a sign that it's time to finally do this. I wouldn't normally do therapy this week but I've booked in for Wednesday afternoon. I want to be as prepared as I can be - it is going to be really tough. Thank you for being in my corner, i wouldnt be doing this without your support.
C.

[Richie01]

Ha, I can just imagine the pitch lol.

I think seeing your therapist is a good call. Even if its just to get some confirmation that your on the right track. You have come so far C, this is a monumental step for you. 30 years of holding it in isnt something that can be taken lightly when it comes to finally holding it in no longer. Its going to be tough, how could it not be but this is where the most powerful hold it has on you loses that power. I wont say it gets better over night, i guess thats why i want you to know im always here, because i know what lies ahead but when it all settles, what you will gain will be something incredible, a freedom that you have never known. Having the strength to stand against our biggest fears.... Its something else. We hide the truth to protect those around us, its a self preservation thing as well, facing a world that knows the truth isnt something we are used to, its a world we dont know but its where we belong. The time for worrying about the repercussions for others is over, now is the time for us to love ourselves.

It doesnt for a second change who you are C, your amazing, if nothing else, know that who you are has given me a strength i never knew i had and it takes someone special to do that.

Youve got this 😊

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

Is today your last full day at work before heading back? How are you going?

😊

[Richie01]

Second last one. Im ok, same as always.... Ill freak out for a couple more days then wake up to myself and act like a normal person should. 🙂

How have you been? Everything going ok?

[Catie 08]

Normal, what even is that?

I just know you've got the extra pressure of the dentist too. Just remember you need decent teeth to eat steak so... It will be worth it 🐄😉.

I'm a bit the same... just trying to stay on the middle lane.... too far left are flashbacks and too far right is me imagining what telling them will be like. My stearing is a bit sloppy but I'm not doing too bad staying on track 😊.

[Catie 08]

You know what?
I've been thinking and.... I don't know what it's like to be completely honest with my family. I was so young, I've always had walls up. I don't even know what it's like to not have to pretend for them. I don't have a single moment in time that I can recall feeling ok just to be me.
That sounds so weird but it's true. It is going to take a long time to shift the mindset. A lot has changed in the last 6 months. If someone told me it be sitting here now about to come clean to them I would have told them they were delusional. Never say never I guess 🤷‍♀️

[Richie01]

Ha. Yeah, teeth are a bonus lol. Funny how something so seemingly innocent can just mess with your mind. I’m not feeling great about going back to the real world at all tonight. Just so over everything to be completely honest. Overwhelmed is definitely the right word for me right now. I spoke with the kids tonight, had to play along that tonight was my birthday. I don’t think I’ll ever get used to this new way of life.... but get used to I I’ll have to I guess.
This break is either going to make or break me I think. But I’m not as scared of that as I probably should be. Sometimes I feel like the strength I have right now is just me hanging on by a thread and it’ll all dissolve under the right pressure but it doesn’t for now so maybe it’s not all that delicate. One day at a time, the shitty ones with the good ones.... think I’m overdue for a good one!!!
God I’m a sook lol, I know you don’t judge me but still, how the hell did I get here.
How was your day anyway C? Sorry for that vent, just doing my thing lol. I feel like you do right now, different stages but the same place. Normal doesn’t have a home right now but we both know it will one day. Just gotta keep holding that wheel for each other on those winding stretches we encounter along the way. Thanks for being a mate 😊

[Richie01]

Don’t feel strange to feel that way. I’ve never felt ok about me, my happiest memories have always had a cloud above them. I’ve never been me around my family, I’ve never been me around anyone I guess because I really don’t know who me is. Walls, walls are us. We are everything we want people to see so they can’t see what’s behind them. This life wasn’t the one we deserved but it’s what we got I guess. Screw the walls, screw the past. Tomorrow’s the day that matters now and every day from now on. I just want to scream it out. All I can do is type it to you. That’s more than I’ve ever been able to do tho so I’m ok with that 🙂