Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

I absolutely should have done some excercise today but I'm just so exhausted. Baths and bed instead. Self care today, ill aim for exercise tomorrow, even if it's just a short walk.

[Richie01]

That sounds like a good plan. Have a night off to recharge a little. Hope your feeling a little more calm C.

Have a cup of tea and settle in .🙂

[Richie01]

Hey Catherine,

How are you feeling today? Almost the weekend for you!!

Just want you to know im here if you need a chat.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

Feeling completely wrecked.

Not working again today. I sent my boss a message to ask her to make yesterday and today leave without pay because I don't want work to keep paying for my meltdowns. I know mental health is an illness and yesterday i actually felt REALLY unwell, but i hate to make them pay for something they didnt do.

Just settling in with a cuppa and my journal to see if I can't sort some of this shit out.

I hope you have a good day 🙂

[Richie01]

Ok.

Wish there was more i could do for you. Just take the time you need and do whatever you feel up to. I know how tough it is, i wont tell you its ok, or to snap out of it. Ill tell you to take a breath, enjoy your cup of tea, write whatever down that comes to you and love yourself. Your worth so much Catherine, we've got this 😊.

Seriously tho, ill check in as often as i can so dont hesitate if you feel like a chat.

Rich

[Catie 08]

Thanks for having my back Richie.

I have hate to think what would be without this.

I am truly thankful.
C.

[Richie01]

Youd be fine without this C. Your stronger than you give yourself credit for.

Its strange how much i care about you, like i keep saying tho, i guess in this place i find what i have never had and the care we show comes naturally from a place others just dont understand. Its a shame that im not a half hr drive away and we could grab a coffee and chat. Chatting about whats really going on.... aside from the almost impossible to break through walls we have, Its the most awkward thing to have a conversation about with people, its never awkward with you. Thats what we have i guess, the awkwardness and anxieties dont exist here. Who knew this could ever happen??? If this is possible, everything we are working towards is. This is more than hope, this proves its going to happen 😊

Hows your writing going? Getting any of those ducks to play the game yet?

Rich.

[Catie 08]

No ducks in sight.
Writing didnt help today, I just didn't have the energy for it.
I've just been sitting on the couch like a vegetable eating crappy food and watching movies, but I do feel a little better for it. 🙂
Days like yesterday are intense. I truly felt that I needed to be in hospital (and i told my boss as much in my meltdown whilst i was sobbing my heart out). Days like yesterday breaks me just a bit more each time. Yesterday I felt that a huge iceberg broke off and now I don't feel whole. I know i will be ok. Im just not sure how many more of those days i can take. Mental health is REAL and until you live it you can never really understand how damaging it is. To the people around me I look fine but I feel broken inside. Perhaps I should start wearing a bandaid on my head.. it might make it more acceptable??

The weekend is going to be busy. Kids sport tomorrow morning then I'm going to catch up with some of the girls for a girls night (where I fully expect to get totally shit faced, but it's all good, I've got my swag packed🙄). Sunday Im meant to be going metal detecting on a club dig... it might depend on how well I bounce the morning after, I'm not as young as I used to be👵.

Anyway.....

How has your day been?

[Richie01]

Sometimes the only thing we can do is get through the day C. Today you did just that and so what if you spent it on the couch watching tv and eating crappy food. You got through it and your here now making plans for the weekend .🙂

Mental health is real. There is no questioning that. In so many ways i find it to be more real as time goes on. Its in everything we do and dictates our every belief. I know exactly what you are trying to say about the iceburg breaking off. Its exactly that, we lose part of ourself when this takes over, sometimes we get that back quickly, sometimes we rebuild it over time and sadly, sometimes we lost that for what may be forever. The truth is that we didnt chose this C, we endured a life that has made our foundations a little fragile and because of that, pieces will fall off. We are here for eachother to help pick them up and place them back up. Sometimes those pieces need a little work before they go back and those pieces are the ones that will make the difference. We have done this over and over, just built our walls up to have them fall just to build the exact wall again. Its time to change the wall, we dont have to remove it, just make it stronger in the right places and do away with the parts that made it fall. OK now im getting all serious lol. Sorry.

I think a girls night will be really good for you, just pace yourself, meds, alcohol and emotions can be a strange mix ( i know, what a downer). Ive just had some really bad experiences when i think drinking it away will make it go away and i dont want you to have to go through that. Sounds like you have a good group of friends tho so im sure itll be a great night. Sunday morning will definately be optional lol.

What we have been through is shit. What we go through because of it is almost worse but what we can support each other through after everything we have been through is something pretty bloody amazing if you ask me. I think we are more emotionally in touch with our own feelings than most people ever will be even if we dont understand them all the time. I know i dont talk like most 36 year old rig workers lol

Hows everything going tonight anyway? anything you want to chat about that might help? can be anything at all if it helps.

Rich

[Catie 08]

Feeling a lot better this afternoon. Today's veg out was a good decision.

Hubby is out at a work function, one of his staff members is leaving so they are out having some fun. He has been super supportive, when I say I'm taking a day off work to just exist on the couch he doesn't question it 🥰

The girls and I had a mini girls night. We ordered pizza and nachos, the kids made desert (just peaches tonight - we ran out of icecream). They chose a movie - it was nice 😊

Enough about me though..... how are you going?? I've been caught up in my little bubble it's turned into the Catherine show. What's happening with Richie? This going smoothly? Do they feed you out there or do you have to fend for yourself?