Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Found an hour for the treadmill whilst listening to Elliott Smith and definatly feel a bit better for it. I think the accountability thing is actually helping 😊.

The kids cooked desert (ice cream and peaches) which was a bit cute (how could I resist? It's dairy!)

I got a message from my friend who's daughter was self harming so I'm catching up with her tomorrow before the dentist. She tells me that she's doing much better but I'm a bit wary. We all know how quickly things can change and how easy it is to hide things from people if we want to. I hope she's right.

I hope your day has gone smoothly. Any more thoughts about the hobby yet?

[Richie01]

A hobby, god I wouldn’t know where to start with that. I need to get my life on track before taking on something new but I’ll definitely take one on when i get to that point.

That’s good news about your friend. Your right to be wary, its never that easy. Not saying things have not changed since you last spoke with her but yeah, we both know full well how much can be hidden when you need to. At least it hasn’t gone unnoticed. Its so heartbreaking to see children (or young people) struggling. Everyone has a story, I’m sure there is one she needs to tell and no matter what it is, it needs to be heard.

Peaches and icecream, i could do that!! Instead I’m about to go for a run. Sleep has really been avoiding me something fiercely since i got to work. I got a whopping three hours last night and I’m feeling like tonight wont be any different. I’m mentally fine, functioning quite well and in a reasonably good place but emotionally, well lets just say things are quite scrambled.

The joys right!! But thats part of this. One day ill have it under control and thats when all of this will be worth it 🙂

Just putting on pants now .🤣

[Catie 08]

I hope the excersise helps . 3 hours isn't enough to function on (well at least it isn't for me)

See your making progress already- pants again! I feel like your getting the hang of this 😂

Enjoy the run 🏃‍♂️

C.

[Catie 08]

Feeling like a doormat today. Some up beat music suggestions please

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Always happy to throw a suggestion out there.

Gyroscope- Baby im getting better

Faker- This heart attack

Rubens- Hoops

Eskimo Joe- Sweater

Marvelous 3- Freak of the week ( My teenage anthem by the way 😬)

and finally, just for a wild card... A-Ha - Take me on

Random right lol. I hope your day gets better C.

Hows everything else going?

[Richie01]

Throw in Kaiser Chiefs - I predict a riot for the hell of it too 😉

[Catie 08]

I've just burst into tears on a zoom meeting with my boss. It was ment to be my performance review too.. Today I've woken with an overwhelming feeling of being worthless. I know it's not true and I know it's because I couldn't stay on the stronger meds.... My cat even licked my cupcake today. So now I'm sitting here with tears down my face and no cupcake.
I called my Dr to make an appointment with him but I can't see him until Monday.
I'm just going to go back to bed and try to ride it out.
Sorry to be such a downer, I'm sure it will pass.

[Richie01]

Dont be sorry C. Never apologize to me for anything like this because this is what we are about. The good, the bad, the ugly.....

Whats been happening? Was there anything that triggered this or do you think its the meds alone? I know its hard and i know how quickly things can go from 0-100000000 on the what the hell o-meter. Its tough when you cant get in to see your dr but ill be here to support you through anything i can until you can see him.

At the end of the day, you are finding your way through a really difficult point in life C, its up and down but what lies at the end is so worth it. You may see breaking down as a sign of weakness, i know i always did but its not. We never broke down, we didnt have the strength to, it was all inside because we couldnt let it out, we couldnt show that emotion, we didnt have the strength to let it out C, i will emphasize that again. You are stronger now than you ever have been, i know you wont see it that way right now but you are and you will.😊

Im here for you, if you need to vent, then vent. If you want to talk, im on the other end of your message. If you want to cry, then know i understand your tears for i have them too. Your not worthless, you know that but i know that about myself and i get exactly how you feel right now. Im with you in this Catherine, god knows i dont have all of the answers, i dont know how or when this will all be better but i know us, i know the you that you cant express because its the me i cant.Your stuck with a friend who wont go away when your down and push me away and a mate with the inability to dress himself properly!!! Scraping the bottom of the barrel arent you lol.

Stay in touch, your not alone.

Rich

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie,

I feel so weak now. I've been curled up in bed all day with the cupcake thief on my feet. It takes so much energy to get that worked up. I'm out on the couch now because the kids are home from school. At least the tears have stopped so they don't have to see me like that.
The only thing I can think of is The meds, there hasn't been anything else that I can think of to trigger it.
My poor boss, I don't think she's ever had a performance review like that one 🤦‍♀️. I wasn't even worried about the review. I just don't know what happened🤷‍♀️.

[Richie01]

It’ll be ok C. Don’t worry about work, they’ll be cool with it. Just enjoy the afternoon with the kids. Have you been for a walk or anything? Might help a little