Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Chase that feeling - hilltop hoods 🎶

[Richie01]

Wow,

Your music is quite varied today!!! funny how many different songs you can know all of the lyrics to hey.

Ive been playing the Live throwing copper album today. Hectic day here but good. Almost over!!! Howd the internet connection go for you?

[Catie 08]

Glad to hear your day has been good. I find they tend to go quicker if your busy.

Internet connection is still rubbish, I may as well invest in a couple of messenger pidgions, it would be quicker!

I'm about to change pace a bit, thought a warning was appropriate. Perhaps don't read if your still working?

You know, this weekend was the first time I actually thought of myself as a statistic (that's probably really weird).
Growing up I was never able to properly label what was happening and I guess, to a certain extent I just accepted it was just what my life was. Dont get me wrong, i knew it wasnt ok but perhaps not labeling it allowed me to just keep soldering on? Not that I really had a choice. I'm now starting to look back and feel really sorry for that little girl.
She did an amazing job with what she had but she was so alone.

Thats a bit heavy for a monday afternoon but its been on my mind all weekend. A problem shared and all that.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

I have to admit that i have never felt like a statistic, you have to count to be a statistic..... That’s kind of how i have coped with what happened to me for all of these years. I still feel that way to be honest. I know what you mean so well about looking back at that child and feeling sorry for them. I look back and feel the fears that i didn’t let myself feel for so many years and i think over the last few years, I’ve slowly been feeling those banked up emotions. It can be as subtle as a chill down your spine or completely soul consuming. I too look back and see how strong i had to be, how I wouldn’t, couldn’t accept what was happening was wrong. I knew it was, i just convinced myself that it was the way it had to be, that this was life and yeah, alone was the road that i had to walk down. I actually feel like i struggle more now than i ever have. I have lost more now than i ever felt i would hold. My family was the beacon of hope in an empty life and there is not a single moment where the regret i feel for not being strong enough to open up about me is not present. I hate that to survive, i had to hide myself and that hiding the past and its horrible truths has caused me to waste the most beautiful future i could have had. I guess if i was to consider myself a statistic, it would be as one who found happiness but could not let myself be happy. That’s my life i guess, i always feel like I’m not good enough, like i have been worth nothing because everything was taken from me. I know its not right but it is the way that i have survived, the way i accepted what happened and only now do i see the real price of those years.

I don’t want you to feel like a statistic , You are Catherine and although i have never met you, you are not just another face in the crowd, you are a the face that stands out. I dont know what it is but i feel like I’m talking with myself when we chat, like every word is understood. I feel like in you, I’ve found someone who makes that child inside of me feel not alone for the first time. I guess what I’m saying is i never felt like someone would understand what this feels like and not be scared to stop hiding the truth from. So when i look back at the child i never was, I guess he isn’t alone any more. That’s what this friendship has given me and no statistic could ever do that.

Bet you dont feel like your Monday afternoon message wasn’t that heavy now .😕

Hope that wasnt too full on.

Rich.

[Catie 08]

OMG, yes. Just... yes.

Being here, these chats are absolutely the first time in my life I've felt understood, little Catherine and Little Richie aren't doing This alone anymore.
I agree when you said that you struggle more now than ever before. OMG i FEEL it. I've finally given myself permission to realise the magnitude if what has been and it hurts me to my core. To think of what that little girl had to carry, some days I forget to breath because if you freeze for long enough maybe the hurt that is oh so overwhelming won't see you and will pass you by, one can only hope. I have days where I wish I could cry but I don't. The old lessons that were learnt to simply survive are hard to shake.

You count to me Richie, we are in this together.

I promise to keep things lighter tomorrow.

Catherine.

[Richie01]

You don’t ever have to keep things lighter ok. Keeping things lighter is fine but if we can’t just let it out, then we would be just doing what we always do. I’m not saying every day has to be a full on one, just that you never have to hold back and let’s just agree right now that if its a day where we can’t open up, we just say it. The good days and the bad days ok, that’s what I’m here for. We are learning to breathe Catherine, that would sound so crazy to anyone else but you know what, who cares 🙂

we are in the same place on the same road, the magnitude of the past is just setting in and we can’t do this alone. We have our drs and you have your support group, I have some people I can share a little with but neither of us had someone who actually doesn’t need us to wear a mask, to speak unfiltered. Doesn’t have to be heavy, just has to be what we feel. This is little Catherine and Richard having a chance to grow.

deal?

[Catie 08]

Deal 😊

[Richie01]

Hows the day treating you C?

I went for a run today. Fully clothed too 😉

God my day has been busy, cant wait for 6pm!!

Hope the internet is being a little more user friendly.

[Catie 08]

I've just finished for the day and what a day it was!!

My internet dropped out 11 times and I ended my day with the worst phone call I've ever taken. She was vicious!! Don't ever have a go at customer service staff, they are only doing their job! She had me shaking.

A day off tomorrow (thank goodness), although I think I'm booked In for the dentist
... although I think I'll take going to the dentist over taking crappy calls like that one any day.

I've been feeling a bit flat today but I didn't do any excercise yesterday or today so I'll try and fit that into my evening schedule, I'm sure it will make me feel better 😊

The kids have just arrived home from school so I'll spend some time with them first.

A run with cloths, thats progress. Good work 👍

😊

[Richie01]

That sucks, I hate people like that. The mentality behind it is really quite lacking isnt it. Why belittle the person you need to help you? Guess some people just like a taking everything out on everyone else. Dont let it get to you, just put a lovely note against their file.

Thats no good that you are feeling flat, im sure a walk or some treadmill time will help you out a little. Time with the kids might help to take your mind off of it as well.

I have a dentist trip booked in this break, i hate dentists!!! Especially when it comes to fixing up the bill at the end😬

Here for a debrief later if you need one.

Have a good afternoon C.