Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Oh yeah, so I’ve been saving this one for a while, this song.... well read into the lyrics however you will but i have lost count of the times I’ve sat listening to it on repeat over the years. Think you’ll feel the same way about it that I do, I think I feel it more personally than it was intended to make you feel when he wrote it or maybe that’s exactly the way he intended it to be taken. Elliott Smith Waltz #2.

[Richie01]

You ok? I know its impossible for me to say anything to ease the emotions that are brought up when those moments replay in our minds. Not only are we lost in the past but we are alone in the present because we cant talk with those around us. Its a torture like no other but Catherine, its going to be ok and you are not alone in these moments any more. No exceptions! This is a friendship where these moments are ‘on’ limits, there is nothing you could say or fear that would make me stop caring about or being here for you ok. I don’t think many people who have not walked in our shoes could understand just why that is.

Definitely breathe C. Remember that time i went for a run without realising i was only wearing briefs?? I almost left my room tonight dressed the same when i went to dinner after a shower 🙈 Am i getting old or just distracted lol.

Look, i know what flashbacks do to us. Some are worse than others but none are easy. People can say that its in the past, it will be ok bla bla bla. We know that, we know it will be ok again soon but then it wont be again one day. We have known this and been alone in this for so long that we cant see an end as hard as we try. As much as i know this, lately that feeling has been starting to change and i credit a big part of that to you and the strength that knowing you has began to form inside of me. Im here for you ok, not in a overbearing, obligated or do gooder kind of way but in a genuine care and complete understanding of what this takes out of you to go through this way and as a friend, as someone who knows that we struggle to breathe through it because we hold our breath in case the thoughts escape and become real, i mean that. Im always here if you need to talk, it sucks that it takes a while for the reply but one will always come. I mean that Catherine, your not alone in this.

Let me know how your going ok and please take the time to love yourself, your worth more than you will ever let yourself believe.

Rich

[Catie 08]

I've never listened to that before but your right, I love it. I can see how easy it would be to listen to that one on repeat. I love that merky sound 🎶
When I listened to the first verse and I heard Cathys clown I thought " hang on what is Richie trying to tell me??" 🤣
I'm not going anywhere, I look forward to these chats as much as you do. I never expected to find a friend here let alone a friend who truly understands and can appreciate the crap that has held me hostage for the majority of my life. I keep forgetting that it's not just us here (Hi everyone else 🙋‍♀️🤣) but I don't care. Being here has helped me more that i could have imagined. Regardless if it's a good day or not, being able to just be me is therapy in itself.

🧘‍♀️

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie, Yep, I'm doing ok, just exhausted but I know you get that 😊.

Just cut Hubbys hair, I had just taken my meds and then remembered that I promised I would do it so it was a mad dash to get it done before I started to feel drowsy - yep, I'm a jack of all trades and a master of none.

I think we need to get you a wrist band that says " wear clothes" you crack me up.

Talk soon

C.

[Richie01]

Ha, maybe a wristband would help!!! maybe i just need to relax and take a breath, do the final checks before putting on my shoes!!!

Fingers crossed the drowsiness didnt lead to a David Bowie inspired hair cut lol. Could be interesting.

Hope you have a good day C.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Ha! He has little faith 💇‍♂️ (truth be known.... I only cut hair for those who wear a hat 🤣)

[Richie01]

Ha, Well that rules me out. Unless a hard hat counts of course. Don the bowl cut hey.......

Im having a elliott smith day , whats your musical inspiration for me????? You on track with exercise today??? Im not but ill get there this afternoon maybe, see how i get on.

Kids back at school today? hope you packed their lunch boxes full of orange poppy seed cupcakes 😉

Rich

[Catie 08]

I'm back listening to my liked songs on Spotify

Today's top five...
I'm doing fine - Mike waters
Bleeding out - Imagine Dragons
Sound of silence- disturbed
Nothing left to say - Imagine Dragons

[Catie 08]

Oops, I pressed reply before I got my 5th song on there...

Stolen dance - milky chance

Having trouble with my internet connection again today which is making work a bit more painful than is necessary.

Kids have today off as a student free day so they are with the in-laws, that's ok... more cupcakes for me.

A little of track with diet and excercise today.... we'll see what the afternoon brings

[Catie 08]

My songs 1-4 didn't come through 🤦‍♀️.

I'm listening to my liked songs on Spotify and I was going to give you today's top 5

The other 4 are....

I'm doing fine - Mike waters
Sound of silence- disturbed
Bleeding out - ID
Nothing left to say- ID

But now I'm listening to Sorry - Bonnie anderson

Too many good tunes to choose from