Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Awesome C. Glad you caught a feed!!! Makes the day all the more better 😊 took he kids to my parents place today. Only an hour and a half drive. Mums great, dad, well he now has dementia so all the past is lost. Think it’s better for him that way. Still struggle with the ex. God I love her, can’t bring myself to talk to her tho. Think as much as I want to explain things, she deserves better than me. I think I’ll always feel that way. Loving someone more than life itself does that 😥 oh well, the show must go on.....

so been on a walking the wire mood today! About thirty time’s so far lol.
keep fishing C, it’s something else for me at least.
take care, love your posts 🥰 they make me he best of a not so great day.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, I'm glad to hear you got some more family time today but sorry to hear about your dad.

Please make sure you do something nice for you tomorrow. I worry about the weight you have on your shoulders. You are important too and you need to look after you too.

Ive felt a little out of place in the forums today. Ive had so many good days in a row (I even managed to upload my "ducks in a row" picture - winning 🏆), don't worry, I'm.not going anywhere, it just felt strange. I dont know how to explain it 🤷‍♀️

I have therapy again on Wednesday which has been on my mind a bit today... history tells me i tend to start getting a bit worked up a few days before I go so fingers crossed it isn't the case this week.

C.

[Catie 08]

Hi Sleepy21,
The fish was delish 😋.

Flour egg and breadcrumb, yummo!

I've started thinking about my upcoming therapy session, I seam to do this a few days out, it's rather frustrating. I know none of what we talk about is new to me, there aren't any surprises but I still tend to over think and over organise things - it's just tiring. I woke last night grinding my teeth and my mind racing. Ive had a really good couple of weeks so just trying to keep up the self care and look at the good things in my life. Lost of deep breaths, I just have to get through to Wednesday.

🧘‍♀️ C.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Catie - yum.
So nice to eat food you "caught" 🙂

I can understand beig worried about your Wednesday appt. Are you worried about what will happen, or if you will direct the session properly?
I think I worry about wasting sessions somehow, and then the results being bad and "all my fault."

I guess in a good therapeutic relationship the therapist helps make the sessions safe and productive

[Guest_1643]

hey i just reread what i wrote and wanted to say sorry if it sounded judgey - there is no "properly" lol to direct a session at all - i just have that anxiety and was wandering if you shared it. I worry about not being present in the session and then somehow the session ends and I didn't benefit.
But that's my own worry and stress about therapy!

[Catie 08]

Hi Sleepy21,

I definatly worry about wasting the appointments.

When I first started with this therapist we sat down and wrote a list of things that I with avoid or that make me anxious. Ive been working really hard at attacking each of the things on the list. (Almost to the point of bulldozing my way through) Ive been going to therapy almost with a report card of what I've been working on and by doing this I found it was allowing me to avoid working on the harder stuff. I love to organise, I plan the pants off everything but when it comes to therapy I find it can be counterproductive. I find that my expectations of therapy can be very high. I find if I don't feel like I make progress at each session that I end up punishing myself for days afterwards. I can be brutal so not making progress is not really an option (in my head). I have discussed this with my therapist and he assures me that I can't 'fail at therapy but I live with impossible standards and a low view of myself so it's a hard one to crack.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C.
I could not have worded that better If I wanted to. The expectations we put on ourselves are second to none. I’m so proud of you, brings a tear to my eye to see how strong you have become in such a short time. Your my role model!! Keep doing the amazing things you do every day, your strength gives me strength. I’m going to look for another therapist tomorrow, fingers crossed I find the right one this time but like you said, it takes time. Thanks for your story, makes a difference that I’m sure you realise but know that most will never be able to imagine. I’m so proud of you C.
take care and remember to take that breath and smile. Your worth more than the most you will ever be able to imagine.

Richard.

[Richie01]

Oh. Almost forgot. Total left field swing but Shakespears sister stay. Makes me laugh so hard then cry lol.

im here if you feel like a no pressure vent before Wednesday. Take care

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I'm so pleased to hear that you are still on the search for a therapist. I'm sure the right person is out there. I'm glad that I stuck it out, the journey sure isn't easy but if you can find someone qualified (and not just some Tasmanian duck wrangler) that can help guide you through it I'm confident you can find a calmer place.

Thanks for the song suggestion, i've added it to my playlist for tomorrow at work.. I'll let you know how I go.

Chat soon C.

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie, Thanks for the song suggestion- haven't listened to that in years.

Today's inspo is a little varied...

Fuel - shimmer
Ruth B. - lost boy
Birdy - people help the people

Enjoy C.