Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Well, I can imagine you’d be over the cold down that way!! When I say I like the cold, I mean a day here and there that’s rug up worthy and a mild winter lol.
How has your day treated you? Class A duck wrangler!! Mines been ok, but I think I found another therapist I won’t see again unfortunately, I think I’m actually shutting down to it as bad as that is. I’ve kind of accepted that I’m probably not going to find the right person so I’ve just got to either call one good enough or just do it without them again. It’s all getting a bit much to tell you the truth but tomorrow I’ll probably feel differently about it I guess. Just waiting to pick up the wee ones which I have been looking forward to all day, love them so much 🥰. I hate that I’ve put them in the position I have, every therapist says it’s not just me that caused it, that both of us had parts to play. Maybe they are right but I always accept blame and that’s a hard one to shift, I think I prefer it blaming me, I’ve never felt good enough so I’m used to it and honestly, I feel that’s 90% of the reason it has gone the way it has, I guess giving someone everything you possibly can and them not making you feel like your enough is always going to do that. I shouldn’t laugh at that but I’d cry if I didn’t lol. Oh well, life goes on.

sorry, having a flat day. Last thing you need to hear!!! Hope your well.
mill be more positive next time, promise.

catch ya soon C.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie,
I'm sorry to hear that your having trouble finding a therapist that fits. Please don't give up on it. I took me a while to find someone, and whilst he's not perfect, I am comfortable talking to him, he really listens and I'm confident he will help guide me through what I need to get through. I'm sure the right person is out there, it's just a matter of finding them. After a bad experience with my last psych I ended up going back to my GP and asked for them to suggest someone new, perhaps an option for you??
Your psych is right, it shouldn't all fall on your shoulders, it is never that simple.
My day has been really good (that's what, 3 days in a row now. I could get used it this) I just had an awesome package delivered from work. They sent each of their employees a package of sweet treats (cakes, eclairs ect) so feeling very appreciated today.

I hope you enjoy your time with you little people.
Chat soon C.

Ps. Have you eaten today?? (In my mummy voice lol)

[Guest_1643]

Hi Catie

That is so nice re your work. More companies should treat their workers like humans - it has amazing results for everyone! I hope you enjoyed your sweet treats.

Glad you're feeling okay over this time. Keep strong

Sleepy

[Catie 08]

Hi Sleepy,

Yes, I'm incredibly grateful to still have my job esspecially at this time when so many have not been so lucky.

I've just has a call from a good friend who said their partner was quiet sick and it could be very serious (further investigation is still needed to get a propper diagnosis) I'm surprise at how well I handled him calling me with the bad news. Ive had a very turbulent 6 months and supporting a friend with bad news a few months ago would not have been possible. I think coming here and being surrounded with support and offering support in return has certainly helped a lot. I'm really proud of him for reaching out to me when he just needed to talk and I'm also proud of me for being strong enough to be there for him.

I hope that makes sense??
I feel like I'm gibbering??

I guess what I'm saying is that it's not always easy to offer support to others when your having a tough time, but even more so when it's so close to home.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey, love the support. Totally agree with everything you are saying. Hope you are well, struggling here but I’ll be ok. Take care and keep being a great person the amazing woman you are!!!
Chat soon.

take care

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie, It seams unfair that your struggling whilst im doing so much better. I wish there was more that i could do to help.
Please make sure your looking after yourself. Perhaps some writing is in order??
Here when you need to chat.
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

don’t you dare say it’s unfair, makes me happy to hear your doing well 🙂

Ill get there, just one of those things that takes time I guess. Guess it’s all a bit overwhelming sometimes facing the reality that the life I loved and which gave me so much strength is gone. It’s funny how even though your falling apart, being part of your own family always picks you up. Just hard to swallow that that’s gone. I love Sehra and the kids so much that it’s just a constant agonising pain not being the part of their life I used to be. I know I’m to blame, I know I should have opened up more and wish I could have. But really, how do you say to someone you love so much that your depressed every day, that the past keeps breaking you down, that you can’t see an end to it and you don’t know how to go on like this, that you don’t know what your future is going to look like but it being with the kids and her was the best part of it. Blah blah blah.
I’ll be ok.
Got any plans for the weekend? Hopefully you have some nice weather and can do some outdoorsy things. If not, cooking up a storm I’ll bet!!

thanks for everything C. It’s nice to talk to someone who knows the me that I can’t express.

chat soon.

[Catie 08]

Richie, I can feel the weight that you have placed on your shoulders. The blame that you take on, I don't feel that it's placed fairly.
There is a lot of regret it what you write and I can hear how much it hurts you.
Is there any chance that you might talk to Sehra to let her know what your feeling? If nothing else, talking to her might lighten the load and provide her with a better understanding?
Have you made a decision about returning the therapy again?? I know that you said that the last one wasn't a good fit and i know exactly how crappy it can be actually finding someone (ive been through 7) but I'm sure there is someone out there that will be able to help guide you through this.

If you haven't already, check out the beyond blue podcast - not alone. I listened to the overcoming trauma one and found so many familiar feelings and thoughts, I think you'll appreciate it?

The sun is shining here this morning, my youngest has got everything out for eggs and bacon for breakfast so I'm guessing that's a hint for what she would like 😉.

I was going to put some music on but I've got heavy weather playing in my head already so I guess there is not need 🤣 (I may have played it on repeat ALL DAY yesterday 🙄)

C.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, we went out fishing (happy happy happy happy happy 😊) the breeze was cool but the afternoon sun was lovely. We ended up with a feed of flathead 😋.

Being out of the water is so good for the sole.

I hope you did something nice for you today too 😊.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Catie, that sounds so nice being outside. So good for us, I totally agree. Nothing can really replace being in nature, in my opinion!

I know exactly what you mean about havig times when its hard to be there for others fully, and also how nice that feeling is to be able to fully listen and take in a persons struggles. That's great that you were there for your friend, great for both of you.

You seem to be doing so many great things. Hope you enjoyed the fish!

I love cooking fish, so many yum ways to prepare