Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey C.
just wanted to say happy Mother’s Day. Look how far you’ve come since the last one!!!
You are an inspiration, keep being the amazing mother you are, I’m lucky to have had contact with you. Like I said, we may not know each other than from our chats but I know from them alone that you are a beautiful person and deserve so much out of life.
have a great day, cook some cupcakes, dance around the kitchen, watch those ducks walking in a perfect line and smile. Your worth it.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, Thanks for your kind words. Ive had a lovely day with my little family. The kids bought me a new diary and some new wooden spoons (they know I love to write and cook🥰). They cooked me pancakes with banana and syrup and we all went for long walk were we also managed to find two more geocache's - have you tried it with the kids?, ours love it. Feeling a little flat this afternoon- refer to my post on your thread, nothing a long hot bath and a cup of tea won't fix. Chat soon C.

[Richie01]

So I looked geocash. I had never heard of it. Sounds pretty cool tho. I’ll see if there is anything going up my way. Always after ideas for the kids, especially now as I’m really struggling to find things to do in the couple of hrs I get with them. Not long enough to really do a great deal. I took them to the beach today, was really great, they loved it so much. I try so hard to keep my shi! Together when I drop them off but god it is hard. My seven year old just hugs me non stop when I drop him off. Keeps asking me to stay. Doesn’t want me to go so bad. I feel like I’m horrible leaving, breaks every part of my heart every time. I don’t think that will ever get easy. Life huh!!!!!!!! The girls are good tho, maybe just that little bit younger makes it easier for them. Hope the bath and tea helped. I can see how that post would affect you, I’m glad she shared it, pretty hard hitting as a parent to hear that. Really makes you realise how much of this horrible stuff goes on. I really wish your parents had made things more possible for you to bring up. It hurts to hear that you didn’t have that choice, I guess every dynamic is different, mine wasn’t as hard but at the same time, impossible to navigate through with what I was going through. I never wanted to tell my parents, not sure if I feel they would have rejected or or been supportive but I didn’t get that choice, I really wish I had that decision, it should have been mine. We make the decisions we do out of necessity, I respect so completely that you have not brought this up with yours. For your reasons and your reasons only, it is the best thing for you. I’m really glad you have shared it here. Your the friend I never had, the voice I never heard. I’m really blessed that you read my post and I’m more blessed to be a part of yours.
take care till next time C.

look forward to hearing from you.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie,
I'm still feeling a bit muddled today (and yes, I've got you on my shoulder telling me that it's ok to feel muddled sometimes). Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that she posted her story, I'm so greatful to her on behalf of her kids for simply being there for them, it was just a reminder that I have gone a very long time without any support. It was perhaps also that it was mother's day yesterday too. I felt so anxious calling my mum, so much has changed in the last few months esspecially, now more than ever I feel that she doesn't even know who I am.
During my early sessions with my current therapist we made a list of all of the things that i avoid or make me anxious... I have started to face everything on that list except telling my family. Ive dug my heals in pretty deep with that one. Ive always felt that it wasn't there burden to bear, that I was strong enough to just deal with it.... they live in a little bubble where they think everything is perfect, if I told them it would shatter everything, it would turn there world upside down. I feel like they would place the blame back on me "why didn't I tell them back when it happened?" I don't want them to feel that they placed me in that situation but in reality, they did, I'm not ready to face that.
Todays music inspo.
... tones and I badchild

On a lighter note - There is a free geocacheing app, it's like a real life treasure hunt that you can do anywhere you go - happy hunting.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

you know I’m on your shoulder telling you it’s ok to be muddled lol. I’m glad you know that but I’ve got your back too ok. Trust me, I know the feelings around telling your parents. I didn’t “tell mine” by my own choice and their reaction was pretty much to turn it around on me even if they didn’t know it. We don’t talk about it, mum and dad bring it up every now and then but to me, it makes it harder and I feel uncomfortable, like a little kid about to get in trouble or judged to be honest. So I won’t sit here and say ‘tell them’ they deserve to know, it will help and all that. I’ll say tell them if you want to but only if it’s going to help you C. You have mentioned that it was pretty tough growing up in that house, expectations and the environment where you couldn’t talk about this. Maybe that has to stay that way for you, at least until it benefits you. Honestly, I support you never telling them if it’s what you believe is right. There is no handbook for us, no therapist who has all of the answers... god I could tell you a horror story about a therapist I had!! But that’s for another day.
lean on me if you need ok, I’m here for you. I know I’m not perfect, I know I can’t change the world but I know us C, I know how alone and confusing it is. Just accept that ok.
mum muddled too at the moment but I feel ok about it, it’s just the way it has to be and I know that it’ll get better.
I’ll look up the app, Sounds fun.
im in a Radiohead mood today. Fake plastic trees 😬 not too uplifting but quite reflective.
take care.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, Thanks for reminding me that although we all have similarities with out stories, we are actually all on our own journeys and what is right for one is not always going to be right for everyone. I think because it's a sore point i got caught up in the emotion of it all. Throughout all of our chats your voice of, its ok to feel scrambled and muddled, and that its ok to simply not be ok amd not have all the answers is really starting to stay with me. Im terrible at over thinking so It really does help. Thanks for knowing how to bring me back to earth, your right, you do know us 😊. Your really good mate Richie, having your support and understanding certainly makes working through all of this stuff a lot easier. One day at a time right?
I'm here when you need C.

[Richie01]

Look after yourself C. I know where your at. I’m there too. Like I’ve always said, our stories are different but so similar. I may not know the history, I may not know the fine details of what lead you to where you now are but I do know where you are, I know the days where it’s all too much, I know too well the fears we keep, the questions we always ask but never really expect an answer to. I understand so much that you will never have to explain. I guess I’m trying in a very long winded way to say that it’s ok to feel the way you do C. I feel it too.
In another life, we could have a cup of tea watching a perfectly organised line of ducks walk past us. But in this life know this. ( laugh if you want please )

sometimes I cannon take it,
i feel like I will break,
in fear I doubt I’ll make it,
my whole world starts to shake,

im falling down and caving in,
I don’t know what to do,
im screaming out from far within, what I see no way through,

but from the depths of emptiness,
from a place most will not go,
from that place of ones most broken dreams,
that you and I both know,

A voice came in as if my own,
a voice that knew my soul,
a hope from one whose also known, a life that wasn’t whole,

so when I cannot take it,
and feel like I may break,
when I fear I will not make it,
and my world starts to shake,

I think of times before your post,
I think of was was not,
and know today what matters most,
is what we have now got,

So now if asked far down the track,
‘how i survived, how I got through?
ill take a breath and smile right back, and say that I met you.

So that’s how I write, not all tennis balls lol. But yeah, what we have started sharing here has really made a huge difference to my life C. That’s me, that’s how I express myself, always feel like I’ll be ridiculed for that but you know what? to hell with that! I’ve spent my whole life worrying about what other people think, or trying to make them think nothing about me so they never ask questions I couldn’t answer. I think all of us who have lived this life feel that.

Be you, be what is best for you. Share what you can with who you choose to. We don’t owe anybody anything but owe ourselves the right to be happy.
be you C. You’ve earned it.

(Seriously tho, it’s ok to laugh at what I wrote, I won’t take offence 🙂) Thanks for being a friend C.

chat soon

[Catie 08]

Richie, stuff the ducks and tennis balls, that is freaking amazing!!! You captured it precisely 🤗. Amazing!!!!

[Richie01]

Wouldn’t say amazing. But it’s me. Had a rough day. Ducks are everywhere but I’ll catch them. How are you travelling C? Hope your doing better. Thanks for accepting the way I want to express myself. I’ll do more of it 😊 I really do appreciate our chats.
so totally in the manic street preachers - if you tolerate this. Mood tonight. Bloody love that band, so off the radar tho. Think that makes me like them more.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, don't sell yourself short, it was fantastic. You captured it beautifully. I'm sorry to hear your day hasn't been great. Please don't wait to get it out, I'm always checking in and here for you if you want to work through it together. This week has shown me how much better I respond if it get my worries out instead of sitting with them for to long. I would normally have beaten myself up for a good week, but by getting it out and working through it I was only muddled for a day (It helps to have good mates that understand 😉). Today I had the rubans cranking all day (again), love their new one - heavy weather. I'm still humming the tune. Ive not heard of your suggestion, I'll have to check them out. Here for you when you need C.