Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Definitely do. No matter how tomorrow goes, I’ll be here for you if you need to chat. The hardest part I always find is that if you have a good day or one that just wasn’t as good as you had hoped, there is no one to talk to about it. There are people who listen but they struggle to comprehend the emotions around our life. You always feel like you need to justify yourself or stop yourself from saying what you need to because they wouldn’t really get why you feel that way. Or simply ( most commonly) you can’t say it because for us, these things are too guarded. We see and feel things that they can’t. It’s just the reality of what growing up the way we were forced to has caused. You’ll never owe me an explanation or a thank you ok.
God I ramble on, I’m glad there is a cap on the length of the posts for everyone’s sake.

Just have a day tomorrow ok Catie o8. Don’t plan how it will go, just plan where you have to go. Take it as it comes and remember to hold onto the moments that make you smile, we forget those too often. As simple as it sounds, if we have something that makes us smile when we close our eyes and take a deep breath, even just one little moment that made the darkest clouds part and the weight lift free from our shoulders, that moment that made us smile makes the difference. They are hard to find some days, I know you get that 🙂

take care

[Catie 08]

So therapy went well today. I went in feeling quiet anxious but came out feeling calm. We didn't talk about any of the abuse stuff, instead we spoke about why I am so hard on myself and how I beat myself up for days on end if I feel that I've failed. It was good. I'm glad that this is the direction that therapy went today as 1 - it's exhausting neing so hard on myself and 2 - I felt that it was stopping me from moving forward.
We spoke about me spending time here in the forums and how I felt that it helped to support and be supported by people that have lived it. He said that if it helped to keep being a part of it but to also remember to talk to my family and friends for support. I think that was very good advice. Today i have come away from therapy feeling like i can breath - thank goodness!!

[Richie01]

Thats awesome news. Im happy for you that your session went well.

Good advice too, you need those close to you to understand as well. I can definitely see that this is a good extra support for you and if its helping you, ill be here for the good times and the not so good, i really do care, i see so much of myself in everything you express and i feel like even if we dont have the answers, we know the questions, we know what doesnt help and can talk without having to think of how to say it. I guess thats something i have felt through the chats we have had, that ive never had to think of what to say, it comes out and i know youll get it because i get it and ive never felt that. If that makes sense....

This is not about taking take the place of those you know. You really need them and as long as our conversations make a positive impact on your life and relationships with your friends and family, then lets keep it going. Dont make the mistakes i did, dont shut the ones close to you out while you still have the chance to let them know you.

Have a good afternoon and enjoy having had a positive day, im having a pretty rough one, its ok, gotta take the good with the bad i guess so ill leave it at that. Hearing your day went well really did put a smile on my face and makes me look at tomorrow in a light i wouldnt have a few days ago. Thanks for giving me that.

Take care and hope to hear from you again soon.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie01,

I'm not going anywhere, I've found our chats so helpful and yes, I do understand 😊.

I'm sorry to hear that your day has not been so great. If you want to chat, I'll keep an eye on your thread... even if your not sure exactly why today hasn't been great, I'm happy to listen if you need to try and work through it.

Catie 08

[Richie01]

Glad you feel that way. I find them really helpful too. I’ll post something there soon.

[Guest_1643]

hi Catie,

see your new here and just read through your thread. glad you had a productive therapy session, that is so great.
PTSD is really difficult, I suffer too and have only recently begun to deal with the trauma.

I related to a lot of what you write about your challenges keeping up the self-care. Why is it so hard???

I try go for coffee breaks, walks, and watch movies... when I started on the journey I was denying myself all those things, was always feeling i ddin't deserve anything nice.

I admire your efforts to keep taking care of you.

-Vanessa

[Catie 08]

Hi Vanessa,
I'm sorry to hear that you also suffer with PTSD but pleased to hear that you have also started your journey to wellness. Taking the leap into working through all the "stuff" is huge, its exhausting and scary but the self care certainly helps along the way. Its really important to make yourself a priority. Take care of you 😊, Catie08

[Guest_1643]

Thank you Catie that means a lot that you recognise and understand the value of starting the journey

I can't believe how much I relate to your posts - it's quite scary I could be writing some of them myself!

I am also very private about who I tell - I remember earlier this year I visited a friend and told her some stuff about what I'd gone through.I always feel terrible afterwards, scared they'll tell others, like some control is taken away from me. I've kept everything very private. I've been in therapy and managed to talk around and avoid as well.

Telling the truth isn't so easy for me and also finding the right person to tell....

Yes the journey is completely exhausting. Yes it has a lot of flashbacks and bumpy moments.

I do learn a lot through it though. Hope you're feeling good today after the therapy session. It sounds like you really benefited and I hope you continue to go strong with the therapist. I'll be getting some support on Monday from therapist and hope it goes okay, also.

[Catie 08]

Hi Vanessa, the one thing that stood out for me when I first started reading these forums is that people here can truly understand what this life is like. It's great to talk to family, friends and your psych but I often find you hear "I'm sorry that this happened to you" when what I had been waiting for was "i understand how you feel" and to truly believe that they ment it. That's what this community is for me anyway. Don't get me wrong, it's really important to still stay connected to the 'real' people in your life but this community now has a true place in my toolkit for getting me through my journey. I hope your therapy goes well on Monday. Catie08

[Guest_1643]

Hi Catie,

That is such a beautiful insight and very true.

Yes it is so precious for someone to understand the way you feel and to really be able to noramlise it and hold it.
It is something different to have support from people who truly get it.

It's also very relieving to not have to "pretend" to be well or to not be struggling - which I feel I often have to do in the world, sometimes subconsciously just to make others feel better, I don't want to weird them out with my stories or symptoms.

The first time I felt this relief and understanding that you mentioned was in hospital - to meet people who were on the same journey as me. I never imagined there were others out there!! ptsd can be very isolating.

You're right we are in a good position here to understand one another from lived experience