Running low on resilience.

[Karl4444]

Hi

I posted a week ago when I was at a low point. I’ve tried to be positive, count the small wins etc. It works for a while but feels like I’m tricking myself with distraction because when I think about it, the issues are all still there. Only some are getting worse.

The thing is that tackling a relentless flow of big problems, for over 50 years, wears you down and the resilience tank is empty. I can seem totally ok but if the smallest thing happens I mentally implode and become a mess. How is that meant to be worth living with. Every day.

Im Having the “do I or don’t I” talk daily now. I’m not worried about dying, I’m worried about it failing and living even worse than now.

I'm not sure why I’m posting this but probably because I have nobody else to talk to.

[Matchy69]

Hi Karl4444 thanks for posting this.You are not alone how you are feeling.O can understand of the feeling of running on empty over 50 years.Soundd like me.I listening and hope you can tell more what's going on.I don't know if you have talked to your GP or seen a phychologist as this has helped me a bit.
You can share somore on here of you like and will listen.
Take care,
Mark.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Karl4444

We're sorry to hear about how worn down you're feeling. You sound exhausted, and that is never a nice feeling. From what I can tell, you have some great insight into your emotions and reactions, which is helpful. Despite how you're feeling, you're still managing to identify the positives and small wins, which should be acknowledged. Please pat yourself on the back for this. 

We understand things are quite difficult for you right now and we want to encourage you to seek some extra support. Please remember there are many support options available that you are very much deserving of. I've listed a few for you here:

• Lifeline (13 11 14)
• Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467)
• Triple Zero (000) for emergencies

Please continue to reach out here for support as you see fit. We are here for you; you are not alone. 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Karl, as per your callout, I like a challenge!
'After an entire life of misery and difficulties' - are you focused only on the bad times? Abuse as a child has likely shattered your self esteem and you find yourself drawn to negative experience. You married once, twice, and brought 3 children into this world. Okay, relations could be more harmonious, but kids grow up and people move on/change. What are you missing out on in their future, and what of all you can offer them in support, advice and encouragement? Regardless of external factors, you are still their father and, from your comments, they have nothing against you beside electing to reside at their mother's place.
Financial pressures and your ailing health might understandably be linked, and the stresses will undoubtedly test the most loving of relationships - 'breaking point' is still not broken! Debt, no house, and no job sounds terrifying I agree. Do you have Superannuation to claim emergency access or insurance relating to your health? Have you contacted financial advice services re amalgamations or opting for bankruptcy? - serious questions, but this can free you from mental turmoil and anguish to start afresh. Your life is neither defined by your house nor your job - shed those shackles if need be, and reconfigure your mindset.

[Karl4444]

Hi all

I hope you all had a good Easter break. I had a horrible Easter filled with guilt trips, aggression and crying. Fortunately none of them was on my account but I was the recipient all the same. It takes one of those inescapable situations, where you can't just leave or hide away, to really crystalise your perspective on how you are, and plan to deal with the situation. After a really upsetting Easter trip with non-stop stress, I am back at that place again were I can't see many options available.

I believe that I am not inherently mentally ill, although I am suffering and probably clinically depressed due to the circumstances I am enduring, I find that my mental health is being irrevocably chipped away by a situation that I can't work my way out of. I guess it doesn't matter if you are mentally ill (depressed, anxious etc) and that causes you grief or you are ok and the situation you find yourself in ends you up in that same space.

It all came to a head over the last few days and now there is a pall over the house and stress through the roof. I am not sure what to do. I love the help this community gives but I think I am 3 levels past "hang in there". I don't expect any solid assistance that can help me as I haven't really revealed the depth of the issues but if I laid it out, you would get it pretty quickly.

I told my wife tonight that I wanted to commit suicide and she dismissed me straight away and made it about her and how she felt. I just left the room. What else can you say and why would you try?

I just wanted to let it out so thanks. I also read some of the other threads and it is upsetting to see so many others suffering but thank goodness for BB forums. I've got nobody else and this is a blessing.

Take care

Karl9923

[Sophie_M]

Hi Karl,

We're so sorry to hear that you had such a horrible Easter break. It sounds like it has been really stressful and emotional. We are getting in touch with you privately to check in and offer some extra support.

We're sorry to hear that you felt dismissed by your wife tonight. Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

Can we ask if you are receiving any mental health support? If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

If you need to talk it out when feeling overwhelmed in the moment, MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/

It's good to see that you've made some connections here on the forums and that this space is of some comfort to you. Please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going here anytime you feel up to it.
 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Karl,
Easter and other such occasions can add a lot of pressure to 'feel happy' and can conjure up past memories that only seem to make things feel worse.
It sounds like you had a horrid experience recently and things are looking grim.
I'm sort of glad you could tell your wife of your suicidal thoughts - you want to get through to her how devastating things are at the moment and speaking out is better than bottling up. You may have just picked the wrong time/place (at the height of an argument?) which was taken personally.
Perhaps when tempers settle, you may wish to revisit this discussion with her for a deeper exchange of what you are both having to endure.
Hope you call the helplines for some extra support as you don't have to tackle this alone.