Lost and desperate

[Burnt_out_mum]

This is my first post and one I have written and deleted countless times. In the last few months I have attempted and wanted nothing more to end my life. I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and find most days all there is is darkness. I have in the last few months deleted all social media, lost all friends and family and become beyond afraid of venturing beyond my front door. I live on heavy anti dispersants and fight for anti anxiety medication because of its addictive properties. I have both a supportive gp and psychologist but that never makes the darkness go away. I am mum to speical needs children and a FIFO husband. I have no family support and some days am lucky to sleep 5 hrs a night. I have been recommended respite in a hospital but as I have only tried to end my life I guess you must be unconscious to qualify. The sad truth is depite it all. I want nothing more than to end this curse this pain!! Honestly no one would notice if I were to disappear as I have lost all family and never had any friends! So what on earth is the point. Year after year of darkness, honestly why can I not sleep never to wake. What does it take to be sick enough!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Burnt out mum,

Welcome to our valued forums. We know it can be tough to post for the first time and it sounds like it may have been difficult for you to write this, so thank you for having the bravery to do so. It sounds like you have been coping with a really difficult situation for a long time, and we are so sorry to hear that it has been so painful and left you in this dark place. We want you to know that you are not alone in this. Even in the darkest places, there is always hope. We are concerned about your wellbeing and reaching out to you privately.

It's good that you have a supportive GP and psychologist. If you need help discussing your options for other kinds of support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Thanks again for reaching out here. Hopefully a few of our members will be by to welcome you over the next few days. We hope that you will keep us updated on how you're going here. 

[geoff]

Hello Burnt out mum, can we offer you a warm welcome to the site and yes this must have so very difficult to eventually decide to post your comment.

There are so many times, and I've done this myself a long time ago, that we type out a letter, then leave it sitting on our pc, come back and reread it even though the tears are flowing down from our eyes, then actually delete, too embarrassed to post our words of desperation, but then blaming ourselves for admitting we shouldn't have pressed 'send'.

This only causes your situation to become worse but we're pleased now you have been able to open up so we will do our very best to help you in every possible way and understand the position you are in and open our hearts to you.

There are different types of anxiety medication that are non addictive, and I can't say as I'm not a qualified doctor, but the medication I've been taking are for depression as well as anxiety.

The concern is that you don't have to be unconscious to be admitted into the hospital, the police came to my house and took me there for my own safety, the worry is that your husband has FIFO job and is he able to take care of your children.

Depression can normally be associated with anxiety, one day one of these maybe stronger than the other, while on other days it's the reverse, however, both really need the help from someone who is capable of trying to understand what is causing this, and each time you see your psychologist and/or doctor there could be other issues that need help with.

Can I suggest you write down on some paper everything that is troubling you, then the medical help will know exactly what you're struggling with and need to be able to gather all the information together to be able to form a plan for your recovery.

Please don't be afraid to come back because you've already made a terrific start.

Take care.

Geoff.

[lost_girl_101]

hello burnt out mum,

I have had severe depression myself for 20 years, i have withdrawn from going out, i get severe anxiety going out in public . i wouldnt have any social media for the fact that i wouldnt be able to deal with anything like that.i still dont have it.... i would always think that getting a terminal illness would just be so much easier than killing myself.

i went on a combination of 2 antidepressant medications and they worked great together, one was for sleep at night and the other was for the bounce in my day. I was on them for a few years but i hadnt been on them now for quite some time and i must say i think i should be with whats been happening in my life the past few years.

I think just finding the right treatment for us individually helps.

I also found writing a journal everyday helps.

I wish you all the best and just know your not alone .

[Boudica]

Hello, I am sorry you are feeling like the darkness is closing in around you. I am a single parent with a child who has autism and know that is really hard taking care of a special needs child without help. It is relentless, and there is often no time and space for yourself and no thanks. Cumulative lack of sleep can really make things worse. It can be very hard to get support, do you have NDIS funding that could help with respite? I have had some pretty desperate times in the past, but I think I am doing much better these days. Luckily my ex has my son two night a week now so that I have that time to breathe and just exist without demands. Please know that you can find ways out of the darkness and back into life. There is a role for medication and doctors, but taking steps to find informal support in your life is a great thing. This place is a good start. I am new here too, but there seems to be good people who understand what it is like to struggle in life. Small things can make a huge difference, even just someone to talk to to lighten the load. Another thing I use to get me through is to always ensure there is a plan in the future of something that I can look forward to and give me a reason to continue when things are rough. In the beginning I was so sad and empty that I found it hard to even think of anything that I wanted, but I started with just leaving the house and going to the conservation park once each week, as being in nature has a healing effect on me. What is it that gives you that feeling?

[Burnt_out_mum]

Firstly thank you all for your kind replies. To be honest when I pressed post, I honestly thought "well this is going to be pointless". But I'm so greatful it wasn't.

Geoff your spot on. I too have written so many times out how dark things really are in my head and done exactly as you said, reread through the tears and then hit delete. Every time telling myself there is so many more people out there, with worse problems, let alone, why the hell would they care. But I guess this time, after reading so many other posts on this platform, I thought well maybe I can find something that can bring back the light , or even just know there are others who understand the dark, as it is so isolating and something I have felt for so long, only I am in.

I had never thought of writing down the way I'm feeling or why I'm feeling it on a more day by day basis and then giving it to my Psychologist to work out a stratergy for the day to day week to week. I do find I often try and get one to two weeks worth of chaos out in a 50 minute session that I leave forgetting if I got it all in and half the advise I was ment to take away. So thank you , I think this might be a great help. In relation to the respite and hospital thing, on previous attempts to take me life I have ended up in the ER and once it was established my attempt had fail, I was sent back out on my way , like there was nothing more that could be done for me. So I guess I just assume it will be like the last time.

Wow I did not know that could give you two types. The one I am on I know doesn't work. They have maxed out the dosage and despite me saying, this is not working, they are telling me a I need a psychiatrist to change it. I am currently on the wait list for one. I can relate so much with not wanting anything to do with the outside world. My psychologist tells me I have a fear of people. She is not wrong. I am so sorry things are not going well for you in your life at the moment and here to chat if you ever need. I am not sure what support I can offer, but always can lend an ear.

Sadly no. My son is ADHD and so NDIS do not cover him. You are so right. It is relentless and I am lucky to even go to the bathroom alone, all the while having a child melting down at me over things like asking him to get dressed. I have not even thought about a plan or anything to look forward to but sounds like a great place to start. I don't even know what gives me that feeling but sounds like I need to find that answer.

[therising]

Hi Burnt out mum

I have to say you're doing an exceptional job under the circumstances. It blows my mind when it comes to how incredible you are.

You're trying hard to manage intense challenges that come with a child who faces ADHD. I imagine a lot of these challenges can feel thoroughly exhausting. With little energy, you're navigating mental health challenges with meds that aren't working. You have a partner who is not always there to partner with you through the challenges. You've faced systems that do not follow up effectively, leading you to feel unsupported and uninspired. You are so truly amazing, you really are. You sound like a warrior in one of the toughest parts of a battle. In my opinion, people should be stepping in, not waiting around for things to get tougher.

So glad you came here, looking for support and inspiration. There are some truly amazing incredibly supportive people here and these are the type of people you need in your life.

It's easy for me to now look back, in hindsight, and make sense of what kept me in my depression for so many years. I can say it was partly due to the lack of support, inspiration and guidance I longed for in my life. It also involved a depressing search for meds that actually worked to positively alter my mental chemistry. All the people who offered non sage advice like 'You need to just get on with things' or 'You just need to smile more and be happier' (what the...?) didn't help matters. More than anything, I think it was about the lack of people who could make a difference. There can such a lacking in this area at times, to the point where things can become so much more depressing.

I'm wondering whether you've considered joining a support group for parents with kids who face the challenges of ADHD. Such a network could offer tips on how to manage/channel certain behaviours and energy in kids as well as offering self care management strategies for the parent/guide. What works and what doesn't could involve open minded discussions between people who can relate to the exhausting nature of ADHD. You definitely deserve the support and inspiration.

No one should leave someone in depression to vibe at that deeply challenging level. This is so thoughtless. You deserve so much more than this. You deserve to be raised with great respect and consideration in mind altering life changing ways.

May sound strange but am wondering if you've researched online 'The benefits of ADHD', a more inspiring perspective.

🙂