Problems with anger and rage

[Guest_84397153]

Before i start off i would just like to mention that i am safe and my safe plan is listening to music or distracting myself with youtube. i also have a strong circle of close friends that i confide in, i trust them very much. i’ve noticed whenever i am extremely angry i tend to harm myself. i would also like to mention that i am not always angry like this. to put context behind this, whenever i have annoyances and irritations with my mum (and it always happens with my mum) i’m left alone in my room, extremely angry that she can’t agree with me on something. i figured that the reason im so in rage after having slight annoyances with my mum is due to feeling like i’m not in control, or that i’m not being heard out. i’m the youngest so i’m pretty used to not being listened to, but this is also my problem. i’m not getting given a chance to reason and i find myself having really bad rage. this leads to me harming myself. when i’m in rage like this i cry, and i don’t know why i self harm myself like this when im extremely angry. i thought maybe it’s because of my need to hit something but i don’t want to damage anything in the house. this also only every happens when i’m arguing with my mum, she’s been a very difficult person, she also has history of mental health issues. i know now that the only thing that puts me in a bad rage is my mum, but i’m struggling to figure out why i hit myself when angry and why i get so enraged over slight annoyances with her. 

Thank you

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at such an incredibly challenging time in your life.

You sound like a highly conscious person, being so aware of many of the factors that have become such a challenge. I think this can sometimes be the biggest challenge of all in some cases, breaking everything down in order to make sense of it all. With your

• need to be heard and respected, even as the youngest member of the family,
• need to have reasonable conversations, where you and your mum are able to give and accept good reason/s,
• need to feel more in control and
• need to better understand and manage your emotions, perhaps with the guidance of your mum (who doesn't seem to be able to offer the guidance you'd like)

you've expressed a number of needs that aren't being recognised and/or met.

If it's of any help, when it comes to managing anger or rage, I found that by putting 'What I'm feeling  is an angering/enraging level of ______ within myself' this can help me get to the bottom of what emotion it is that I'm trying to manage. For example, '...an angering/enraging level of frustration...', '...an angering/enraging level of disappointment...', '...an angering/enraging level of rejection...' etc. It's not just about the feelings, it's about the level of energy in motion or level of emotion that they reach. I've found extremely high levels can require some form of venting or working down (after such an intense work up).

Being a mum myself, I can say there can be a temptation for parents to choose what is easier for them in some cases. While it may seem easier to manage stress, upset or anxiety by shutting down conversations that they sense leading them to stress, upset or anxiety, there can be consequences. One consequence can involve the person who wishes to be heard feeling those shut downs.

When we wish for someone to open their mind more, rather than close it off to us, it can become enraging, with so many mixed emotions. A sensitive person who has the ability to sense, can experience a sense frustration, a sense of disappointment, a sense of injustice, a sense of rejection, a sense of emotional detachment and so much more. I feel for you as you sense so much.