Not sure how to stop feeling suicidal

[Anastasia_m]

Hello,

I’m new to joining but I’ve heard good things about beyond blue so I thought I’d give it a try.

i suffer from severe depression and anxiety and have for about 9 years now. I’m only in my early twenties (yesterday was my birthday lol) so this should be the last thing I feel but unfortunately it isn’t. I’ve recently gotten out of a 7 year relationship it was very toxic and abusive - he cheated and abused me in many ways I’ve come to believe he is some form of a narcissist. I’m glad I got out and I’ve been seeing someone new which has been going well I really like him. But since finding out my last partner has also started to move on its effected my self worth as I did everything to try to make it work and he ended up leaving and will probably do things for her I always asked for. I know this will pass and I see a psychologist often but I still can’t shake the feelings of heaviness and that it would probably be easier for me if I wasn’t her as my hearts so heavy and I’ve gone through so much pain. I’ve never attempted and I don’t think I will anytime soon but the feelings won’t go away and are getting bad again. I wanted to see what people’s best coping mechanisms are besides the generic ones such as exercise and meditation etc. I’m also on antidepressants and have been again for about 2 years - they sort of numb it but not entirely. Any help is appreciated. It would be nice to go a day without feeling empty and sad lol. Thank you

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anastasia, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided to join us here. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage. It sounds like you are struggling at the moment, not only with your mental health, but with thoughts of your ex-partner. Leaving toxic relationships can be very challenging and a significant process. It’s great to hear you have professional supports and that you’re reaching out for further support. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. We're sure that a lot of our community members will relate to these feelings and experience you have gone through, and hopefully some of them will pop by to offer you words of wisdom and kindness.
Please stay in touch.

[therising]

Hi Anastasia m

Blessings in what is your own personal new year. I wish for you a year full of enormous positive difference and incredible growth.

So glad you got out of that relationship. You deserve better. I imagine it's deeply challenging, to switch focus from your ex to your current partner. Often, there can be multiple reasons in regard to such a challenge (switching focus). Being with someone for so long, we can come to define our self through them, so an all important question becomes 'Who am I without them?' It's actually a good question when reforming our self. Another reason can involve becoming fixated on where we went wrong. Again, relevant, when not wanting to repeat the same mistakes. Another could involve the fact that the person we were with was so incredibly exciting (while they weren't being abusive). In this case, we can be left craving the excitement, missing that aspect of the relationship or that part of our self that maybe we can no longer feel. 'Now, he's exciting someone else' can play out in our head. If your ex's nature is that of a narcissist, I imagine his current relationship will unfold in 1 of 2 ways: 1) It will go the same way it did for you (cheating and abuse) or 2) she won't tolerate it for long, once he begins to show his true colours. Back to you...

Can't help but wonder whether you're sensitive to inspiration. What did inspiration sound like when you decided to leave your ex? Maybe 'You can't keep doing this, it's destroying you'. What did it sound like when you met your current partner? Perhaps 'This is a nice guy'. What about it leading you to come here, to Beyond Blue, 'Give it a go, you've got nothing to lose'. The reason I highlight 'You' and 'you've' is because I've found inspiration to be rather quirky in this way. Out of sheer curiosity, I've spoken to many people in regard to this and they've all agreed that with inspiration, more often than not, the words 'you', you've', 'you're' etc come into play. So, while we may ask 'How do I move on?', the response may be 'You need to listen more carefully'. Who or what is saying 'you' to us. Pretty weird, when you think about it. Some may say it's our higher consciousness talking to us, our naturally logical or intuitive self. Others may refer to it as 'divine inspiration'. Either way, it becomes a compass of sorts. Keep in mind, positive inspiration will only be positive/constructive. Anything else is not worth listening to, especially degradation.

🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hi Anastasia m

Happy birthday for yesterday, a new birth year and a whole new you, while I can hear how sad you are feeling I wanted to point something out to you that might just help you see something in a different way.

It is hard to see someone who you loved move on, even though as you mentioned the relationship was toxic and abusive and 7 years is a long time to invest in another person when you are getting nothing but abuse back. You mentioned how it was effecting you knowing that he has moved on, " finding out my last partner has also started to move on its effected my self worth as I did everything to try to make it work and he ended up leaving and will probably do things for her I always asked for" ...there is a point in this where you know the truth, the facts and that is that he is moving on, after that is when you start to let your mind and your thoughts wander and create scenarios in your head that may or may not be true, we don't know. What we do know is that these thoughts then turn into feelings and leave you sad and hurt and in pain. Why?, we have no idea and nor do we need to know what is going on in the new relationships he is having, but we fantasize how wonderful and happy they are and how he is now doing all the things you so desperately wished he did with you or for you or treated you in these beautiful ways...but this is just your brain, romancing what you so badly wanted in the relationship, there is no truth to it what so ever, as you don't know and now it is your turn to look forward and enjoy the new person you have in your life and enjoy him. What do you think about that?

I am so pleased you are getting some professional help, this is so wonderful and they will help you to rediscover you and to put this past toxic relationship behind you and to be free to move on and love and be loved how you deserve to be.

Welcome to the forum and I am so proud you did reach out and to share how you are feeling and what has been going on for you. We are here if you would like to chat some more and get these thoughts out and express how it is making you feel.

Great to chat to you Anastasia m

Hugs to you

Sarah