Not feeling ok at the moment

[Eagle Ray]

I just need to write down how I’m feeling.

I’m exhausted and in pain. I have overwhelming grief recurring that I thought I’d begun to heal from. I’m very dissociated. I know that’s my body trying to protect me from overwhelm.

Was seeing someone this week about starting voluntary work (possibly a stepping stone back into workforce). But feel like my body is screaming at me that it’s not ok and can only rest. It’s like I was oversaturated with stress for too many years and I have nothing left. It take’s phenomenal energy to use the small part of me that’s still functioning to interact with others. I manage to convey outwardly that I’m fine and come across as positive and competent even though internally I’m breaking at the moment.

 I cannot tolerate abusive or exploitative relationships anymore. Putting boundaries up to protect myself, but somehow that triggers more grief linked to past issues even though it’s necessary to establish those boundaries.

 I had side effects from a med badly flaring one of the autoimmune conditions I have, so came off it. This has triggered other undesirable effects that are potentially serious so have gone back on it. I’ve spent decades now, since childhood, managing chronic pain and health conditions. I’ve always been relentlessly positive, but that is starting to fail.

Angry too about denial of abuse in my extended family - the way perpetrators were protected and the reality and impact of abuse denied. This continues. I can’t stand it anymore.

Although thoughts of death are there for me almost daily at the moment, I think a will to live in me is stronger. The thoughts are just my mind-body not wanting to struggle anymore.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Junior 🙏 It’s always been my thing to reach for the light. That is my true nature. But it’s just total overwhelm and too many traumas that I think I’m reacting to. I’m feeling the pressure to return to work but don’t feel adequately recovered. In 2006 I pushed my way back to work even though in extreme pain and on synthetic opioid medication to manage it, which it barely did. I worked through pain for years. It’s like I can’t push anymore and can only collapse.

Maybe I need to seek another medical exemption for Centrelink to get out of the pressure a bit longer. I tend not to ask for help until I’m desperate (again reflection of childhood trauma pattern).

Thank you so much Junior as you and the Rising have meant so much to me too with your wisdom, insights and support.

[HelloGail]

Hi again Eagle Ray: Wow, I was imagining what it must have felt like high up in that tree, so you found ways of escaping. I love nature too. I did rescue a 17 year old foxy dog in 2021 but she had a stroke 9 months later, even though I only had her for 9 months we had bonded. I use to have two cats but it was over 25 years ago and would recommend a cat as they are sensitive and can tune in when you need  TLC. Cats just know, they come up and sit behind our head on lounge or nap. I hope you are feeling good today. I feel better in the day it is usually at night that everything seems to be amplified. Cheerio from 

🐢 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Hello Gail 🙏😊

I’ve always lived with dogs in the past and absolutely loved them but did recently look after a cat and really enjoyed being with her too. Having afternoon naps with her was so lovely. I’d be lying down and she would get up on the bed and come and look really closely at me (breathing cat biscuit breath in my face 😂). I’d then pat her and she would purr and then we’d both have the best afternoon nap. It’s like cats truly know how to relax so our bodies co-regulate with them and relax too. You are so right about how they tune in with us.

17 years is quite an age for a dog. Good on you for rescuing her as the older ones often get left at the shelters. She was lucky to have you for 9 months. I love watching The Dog House show (UK and Australian versions) about people adopting rescue dogs.

I’ve just filled out the beyond blue safety plan app. I found it really helpful and it helped me feel calmer after a few rocky days. I feel like I’m clearer now about strategies I have when I’m really not feeling good instead of just feeling paralysed and distressed.

Thanks again 🐢

[Junior1962]

Always happy to support you Eagle

Getting an exemption from Centrelink sounds like a really good idea. Pushing yourself too hard may only set you back if you are not ready. It’s ok to admit that to yourself. You are important. I know that seems foreign to you but it’s high time you told yourself that. If you are not ready to return to work - you have better reason than many people I know - then don’t. You will know when you are ready. It’s ok to give yourself a break. It really is. 
if I have learned anything over the past few months it is that being strong is only a facade. As I wrote a while back - the facade of being strong a shield against my core belief of always having to fight for my survival alone. 

I unpacked that statement in therapy - and - I don’t feel like that anymore. I’m getting better at even imagining myself being vulnerable. I have yet to be faced with a situation where I have to put that into practice - but I think it will be easier than it was. No. I know it will be. But that is me. The point is - it IS ok to put yourself first. IT IS. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you greatly Junior. I was on an exemption when I was particularly unwell, then came off it. I can feel my body showing signs of recovery (have various autoimmune things going on) but I’m still incredibly vulnerable and scared of messing up all the healing work I’ve done to this point. I went to start voluntary work on a day I really wasn’t well enough and tripped and injured myself before I even got in the building - an example of me not stopping and going “I’m not ok today, I need to stay home.” It’s hard to explain the level of struggle and sometimes I don’t think I have choices and have to conform to others’ expectations in order to survive.

A consultant at the job agency the other day told me, “you are very strong.” I thought of what you were told about being strong and how it impacted you in that context. I’ve been resilient through many things but something in me can no longer withstand all the things I have in the past. Your quote in bold there is really relevant and helpful to me.

It’s a child part of me that feels guilty for not having achieved more, got back to work by now etc. Then I have a couple of relatives giving me a hard time recently about not being back in work. They have little knowledge about my life and things I’ve been through. I feel like I have to defend myself when I shouldn’t. When I tried to explain some traumatic stuff I’d been through to one of them, there was a brief silence then she just went on about things to do with herself as if I’d said nothing.

So I’m learning about people who actually really see you versus those who don’t. I’ve realised the people I’ve spent years supporting who never actually saw me, and how one-sided those relationships were. People have actually used me like a painkiller when they felt bad, because I was always kind to them and friendly and positive. But my job is not to be other people’s analgesic.

Sorry, ranting away here but just getting things off my chest. I’m shedding what were messed up co-dependent relationships based on the role I learned in childhood. No more of that now!

Thanks Junior and I will put myself first from now on, maybe even putting reminder messages on my phone and notes to myself around the house!

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle

Ranting is good.  It's a release and no doubt much needed.

Was just preparing for my therapy session tomorrow and was reminded of something I wrote the other week for what will be the final chapter of my book.  Since my comments about being the strong one resonate with you - as I thought they would, I thought you might gain something from these words. 

The facade of being strong and using it as shield is a psychological defense mechanism. I hide behind my strength, not wanting to feel the emotional pain. When I do feel the pain, I convert it into defensive anger.  The greater the pain, the more intense the anger.  In terms of survival, if I feel threatened, I can convert my fear of being hurt into anger and thus prepare my body to fight.  This makes sense in light of a past life in which I was a victim of severe domestic violence.

Please ignore if you find my words too painful.  The last thing I want to do is upset you.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Junior 

No you didn’t upset me. Your insights definitely help. In relation to your quote, my pattern is similar yet slightly different. Often I don’t actually get to defensive anger because I have gone straight beyond that into freeze. After extreme screaming from my mother that could come out of nowhere, and unable to placate her, I’d end up frozen on my bed in shock often beyond crying even. My father could suddenly violently physically and verbally attack me. I basically spent my childhood in shock. So the fight-or-flight response wasn’t even there. I was just stunned and dissociated and wandering lost in my own world.

But your quote is still relevant because I have felt the emergence of defensive anger over time which is actually a healthy thing, except I made it unhealthy by suppressing it because I knew from childhood that expressing myself wasn’t safe. But that suppression has really damaged me and caused significant health issues as well. So it’s starting to emerge now and coming out in the expression of healthier boundaries with people. Something in me just says “no” now when people are rude, demanding, manipulative, insensitive or using me in some way to get their needs met. I see the red flags much more quickly and actually start to defend myself.

 I’m sure I also hide emotional pain behind strength. That strength presents as cheerfulness, easygoing-ness, resilience, positivity and being there for others. These traits had to be developed in relation to my Mum who taught me I’m her confidant/support/parent and morale booster from the age of 5. It’s not surprising I’ve taken on this role with people throughout life. It was ingrained in me from the start.

My sense is that anger needs to come out but in healthy ways. I’m gradually learning this. For many, many years it’s like I didn’t access anger at all. I remember a housemate saying, “Do you ever get angry? What do you say when you get angry? Poo-poo?” He was teasing me because I was always nice a cheerful, never swore, never complained etc. But I needed to! 

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray

I can see why you have had difficulty getting angry. From the horrific situations with your parents that you have described, it makes sense that shutting down was the only way you could survive. Our survival instinct is very strong. Freezing is a trauma response that many people don’t know about. Think of a deer in headlights. Similarly I can see why you dissociated. You needed to protect your ego (psyche) from what was just too anxiety provoking. Again it was all about survival. 

What you are gradually learning to do now - and I see some really encouraging signs - is to actually live not just survive. To be your own person. To feel and act in ways that serve you - not everyone else. This is, in effect, self-love - something you were prevented from doing when you were a child. It is something that takes a long time to change - but I have confidence in you. You can do this. You are on the right path 🙂

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks Junior

One of the hardest things to learn is how to self-soothe when it’s not been shown to you growing up. I find it nearly impossible but co-regulate with nature/animals which is where I can start to feel safe, and a little with people who feel safe enough. I’m fortunate to have a very good psychologist who is helping with co-regulation and really gets what I’m going through.

Freeze is my main adaptive response and it’s a form of contraction - hence stuck in my bed for several days unable to do anything but cry and feel desperate. But I understand the physiology now which helps me gradually expand little by little to come out of freeze, but your body kind of does this on its own timescale. I was really starting to expand (release trauma) and then got activated again a few days ago and contracted back into freeze. I’m starting to release a bit again.

I’ve been monitoring my blood pressure and during the expansion release phase it completely normalised for the first time in years. Then when I contracted into freeze it went up again and is now moving back towards normal. It’s a very obvious biomarker of what’s going on in my autonomic nervous system.

Thank you for being so encouraging and yes I think I’m on the right track overall. I’m feeling pretty ill as I write this as I’m in an autoimmune flare, and sometimes my body has just had enough, but I think the only answer now is long periods of rest and recovery after a lifetime of extreme stress. I just keep looking to the things that matter to me to have something to live for. I find positive interactions with people so helpful and can feel healing effects in my body after talking with a kind, nice person or spending time with animals and plants 🐶🐱💗🌼🦉🌿