Not feeling ok at the moment

[Eagle Ray]

I just need to write down how I’m feeling.

I’m exhausted and in pain. I have overwhelming grief recurring that I thought I’d begun to heal from. I’m very dissociated. I know that’s my body trying to protect me from overwhelm.

Was seeing someone this week about starting voluntary work (possibly a stepping stone back into workforce). But feel like my body is screaming at me that it’s not ok and can only rest. It’s like I was oversaturated with stress for too many years and I have nothing left. It take’s phenomenal energy to use the small part of me that’s still functioning to interact with others. I manage to convey outwardly that I’m fine and come across as positive and competent even though internally I’m breaking at the moment.

 I cannot tolerate abusive or exploitative relationships anymore. Putting boundaries up to protect myself, but somehow that triggers more grief linked to past issues even though it’s necessary to establish those boundaries.

 I had side effects from a med badly flaring one of the autoimmune conditions I have, so came off it. This has triggered other undesirable effects that are potentially serious so have gone back on it. I’ve spent decades now, since childhood, managing chronic pain and health conditions. I’ve always been relentlessly positive, but that is starting to fail.

Angry too about denial of abuse in my extended family - the way perpetrators were protected and the reality and impact of abuse denied. This continues. I can’t stand it anymore.

Although thoughts of death are there for me almost daily at the moment, I think a will to live in me is stronger. The thoughts are just my mind-body not wanting to struggle anymore.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Rising and Junior

Yes it’s amazing isn’t it Rising when we see our actual emotional patterns rather than just living through them. I think initially we just survive in the world. We are doing the best we can at the time. But as certain patterns repeat and perhaps become too painfully intrusive we can start to become conscious of the cycles.

 And yes I think you’re right that anger and resentment are often not initially linked by us to pain, and yet they are forms of pain. I’ve spent a lifetime internalising/suppressing anger so that it’s eaten away at me internally with significant health effects. I’m now in a process of releasing that from my body.

My psychologist was saying how when we have bracing in our body for a long time and then we start to let it go we can experience exhaustion as all the energy used to brace is relinquished. Then there can be some rebound effects where we re-brace because it’s so habitual, but that’s just normal as our body learns to let go again as it establishes a new equilibrium.

As I’m letting go I’m getting really interesting health effects. For example, my blood pressure is normalising when I’ve been hypertensive for a while. By my age my parents had been on blood pressure meds a few years and had so much emotional pain in their bodies. I wanted to create a different story for my body and I can feel it starting to happen now.

 I totally agree with you that we are often conditioned to suppress our emotions and do what’s “right”, often to fit in with familial pressure, social expectations etc. But this can be at a great cost to our well-being.

 I think as we become more attuned to the kinds of cycles you mention, we develop greater intuition and ease in the world. We can feel rather than suppress emotions and through that comes insight and wisdom. When we feel rather than suppress we are less likely to be reactive and more likely to be wisely and sensitively responsive to the people and situations around us, as well as to ourselves. Perhaps this is when we start to fast track as you describe.

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

Wow, the bracing factor. I've never fully considered it. This helps me make so much sense of things.

I never realised until you led me to such a revelation just how much I brace myself. A single word can be such a trigger, such as with a particular person's name, for example. I smile as I recall my mum bringing to my attention the fact that whenever a particular person's name (in my family) was mentioned, I'd automatically start rubbing my forehead. Whether this was a form or self soothing or I was trying to rub the thought of them out of my head, who knows. Perhaps a bit of both.

Re-bracing, regarding the same lower energy emotions, day after day can be so subconscious. May have mentioned going for a deep tissue massage some time ago. When the woman started on my shoulders, I thought 'This is so painful. I'm sure it's not meant to be this painful. Once she'd finished, I was almost asleep. Had no idea of the tension I'd been carrying until she'd released it all.

Once we become conscious of all those bracing emotions, we can open our arms, heart and mind and finally let them go. With open arms, we become free to embrace whatever good comes our way.

PS. Oh my gosh! I've just realised the reason I don't like to embrace my husband (and he's a real hugger) is based on the fact I brace myself when I'm around him a lot of the time, prepared for a degree of possible disappointment. You've just blown my mind. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. So very very very much appreciated ❤️

[Eagle Ray]

Rising I’m so happy if that helps. I didn’t realise my bracing patterns for such a long time either. They can often be the cause of chronic physical ailments too.

Certain people activate those responses in me, but increasingly I’m letting go. It’s easier to let go in some cases than others, but I think as you become increasingly aware you start to automatically let go. I’m starting to notice that in myself. The bracing still gets activated with certain people and situations, but I’m able to recover from it much more quickly.

Last night I watched the Rocketman movie about Elton John’s life. There’s a powerful scene near the end when he is at a support group meeting and the people who’ve given him a hard time appear in his consciousness - his parents  and manager/former lover. They say cruel things but he no longer reacts and responds to them calmly, refuting their labelling and judging of him. He then sees his songwriting buddy Bernie and is able to share how much he means to him and vice versa. And then he sees his child self and hugs him, finally able to peacefully be himself. So he no longer braced against others but just felt calm acceptance and the self-love he’d needed all his life.

I loved the film and it was exactly what I needed to see right now. He overcomes wanting to end his life and is finally able to accept care and help from good people which was hard to do before because it was hard to trust that he could be safe with anyone.

So in a way it was a film about the loss of bracing against life - realising that it is possible to feel safe and to fully accept and love oneself.

Anyway, just went off on a tangent there, but really glad if looking at the bracing factor helps to see and release stuff from the body and consciousness 🤗

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle

Just wondering how you are doing?  You have been on my mind.

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you so much Junior. That’s so kind of you. I’m awake at this later hour and only just seeing your message now.

I was doing much better but struggling again the last couple of days. Looking for positives as I always do, but certain things affecting me.

In particular it’s remembering my Mum dying horribly. She was utterly broken in the last year of her life. She had so much trauma and tragedy from so many things. Another family member became disdainful towards her just before that last year and it’s like what finally ultimately broke her spirit. I was her carer in that year and I watched her essentially dying emotionally, physically and spiritually while making every effort to still bring hope.

I’d been her carer since a very small child. She was often either quite cruel to me or detached/dissociated - a product of abuse from her own mother. But I could always see her beautiful spirit underneath that would come out in bits and pieces. In later years we did a lot of healing work in our relationship. She still had episodes of going into a blind rage at me, projecting stuff onto me that had nothing to do with me. But I understood the trauma pattern.

But it just haunts me now knowing instead of moving towards healing at the end she was disintegrating. As I was essentially her parent since I was small, the little girl in me feels like I failed and it broke me seeing her broken. This kills me inside over and over again even if my adult self has perspective.

 I experienced an abusive assault shortly after her death too. That night I planned out my suicide but didn’t follow through. I was pushed way beyond what I could cope with. I’ve had just too many traumas and it shakes your capacity to find equilibrium again.

But I keep hanging onto threads and trying to move forward. But the grief for so much just keeps coming. I have to let myself feel it in order to let it go.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle

i want to reach out, put my arms around the little girl in you, and tell you that it’s going to be alright. Be the parent you needed, instead of having to be grown up before your time. 
I see so much pain in your words, not the least of which is the sense of helplessness you felt as you watched your mother die. Forgiveness would be a good thing here. Forgiving yourself for being a child and being unable to heal your mother’s pain. A trauma specialist was needed and even then, may not have been able to do this - so it’s unrealistic and unfair to place that sort of expectation onto the shoulders of a child, no matter how much you wanted to do it. I would imagine that all kids want to make things better for Mum and Dad. Sadly we can’t also do it.

in 2021 when Mum was hospitalised with severe, psychotic depression, I eventually used my medical power of attorney and signed the paperwork for her to have ECT. It wasn’t solely my decision - it went to a tribunal - but it wasn’t the natural order of things. My mother is supposed to be my protector, and she certainly was when I was a child, not the other way around. You have spent a lot of time in a role that wasn’t the natural order of things. In order to do so, you had to suppress your own needs - as a child - and you have every right to grieve that now. ”What about me, it isn’t fair …. I want my share”. This part of you needs to come to the surface and allow the relevant feelings to come into your consciousness. 

As you said, you have so much grief inside of you, and you need to feel the pain and then let it go.

[HelloGail]

Hi Eagle Ray, Thank you for your post and I like the name. Eagles are strong animals and from your writing you are equally strong by your experiences that you have suffered and continue to carry. Apologies, I do not have any answers as I just made a post similar as I too experience physical pain, tremor, neuropathy and no social life, hermit really. I think of how a Tortise goes through its life carrying a shield some live longer than us! If we study them more we may understand how to cope with loneliness, it can be very painful being alone from my own experience. I just keep on truck'n, it seem's though I am not a truck driver just an expression. You are not alone Eagle Ray here, they're so many similar. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Junior

Thank you so much for those kind words. They are what I needed to here.

I’ve literally never known how to ask “what about me?”. I’m starting to say no to certain people and situations, so perhaps that’s the beginning of that happening.

 I think the hard thing is the extreme aloneness and isolation I’ve always had. From my earliest memories I had no one to go to if I was scared and needed reassurance. It would often lead to me being attacked if I did, or otherwise ignored or an anxiety reaction from the parent. I learned I had to internalise everything. I continue to try and function in the world without the very foundation you are supposed to have from childhood. It’s exhausting being your own parent beyond words, when no one was present with you from the start. Of course I’m not alone in this experience. Plenty of people go through this isolation. I also learn from those wise souls you come across in life who have nurturing qualities and some of the that rubs off and touches your heart.

But at the moment I just cry for hours. Often that’s how my day starts. I’m trying to go back to work, still struggling with health issues and overwhelmed, and no one I can really talk things through with, no one to hold and comfort me, just nothing. I’m thinking of getting a rescue dog which would give me a reason to exist. I feel utterly inconsequential to the world and it really won’t matter to anyone if I’m no longer here. I just try to hold on because I love nature, I love the moon that I’ve been watching in recent nights, I love the ocean, plants, birds etc.

That would have been so hard going into that role with your Mum, having to make those decisions on her behalf.

You are right that I need to allow feelings to come into consciousness around knowing things weren’t as they should have been and my needs were not met, and I need to be assertive for myself.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Hello Gail

Thank you so much. I’m sorry you’ve had physical struggles too. It can be so isolating can’t it. It’s like being hermit-like is a survival adaptation. I loved your analogy of the tortoise 🐢 I feel we can learn so much from animals about how to be in the world, including how to cope with stresses and traumas. Animals will often retreat to a quiet place alone for as long as they need to reset their nervous system and recover.

 The name I gave myself, Eagle Ray, actually refers to a kind of stingray I see near where I live. Sometimes I meditate by an estuary and quite often when I open my eyes I see one gliding past. My models in life are animals more than people. As a child nature became my parent. I would climb high in a tree in the front yard and could stay there for ages. It was comforting and allowed me to escape the tense, anxious and conflict-ridden atmosphere of my family.

 I just read your post. You have been through and are dealing with a lot. I’ll write a response soon in case it helps. I’m just going to rest a bit and then eat something first.

Thanks so much for your kind support.

[Junior1962]

"I feel utterly inconsequential to the world and it really won’t matter to anyone if I’m no longer here."

I can understand why you would feel that way - but remember, you are important to people on this forum.  People like me.  I'm almost fully recovered now but will never forget either you or Rising.  The comments made on my post - the conversations we've had.  That is why I popped up the other day asking how you are.

Despite your pain, you have a way of bringing positive energy into the world.  Never forget that.