New here where do I start..

[Jacqtee]

2020 was the worst year of my life. I have been separated from my son for over a year now. He is only three years old the emotional pain of being separated from him is unbearable. I managed to visit him just as COVID hit. During our time together he accidentally scratched my eye and I developed a condition called recurrent corneal erosion syndrome. It is an extremely painful condition and it ruined my life. I couldn't sleep I was in just constant physical pain on top of the emotional pain. I dealt with everything alone being separated from family and friends. That I was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I couldn't work out why I felt sick all the time, and was on so much medication for pain and mental health it literally was destroying me. Then I turned to alcohol as a way to cope and that just made everything worse. I start to feel better going to all these psych appointments but i self sabotage everytime. I'm sick and tired of constantly battling. I tried failed my suicide attempt you would think that would be a wake up call and try to get my life back on track. But I'm sitting here wondering i can't even cry anymore.. I feel nothing anymore.. just emptiness and numbness. I don't know why I keep trying knowing full well I will fail again.. I feel like I will always be battling
What kind of life is that. I'm 29 and I have been struggling with mental health issues my entire life. I can't remember what it means to be truly happy anymore. The person I see in old photos is dead and gone.i don't even recognise myself anymore 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hey Jacqtee, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. 

We're so sorry to hear of the difficult year you have been through. We can't imagine how debilitating having an eye condition would be and how drastically this would have changed your usual routine. It sounds as though life is overwhelming at the moment and hard to manage on your own. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about these thoughts and feelings and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

We are getting in touch via email to offer some extra support. We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467.

If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[Matchy69]

Hi Jacqtee and welcome to the forums.You find this a safe place to post and get support.I am sorry you are struggling so much at the moment with both physical and mental health.The seperation from your son for over a year would be completely heart breaking for you.I know as a parent that your children mean the world to you.
Alcohol is not a good road to take in fact it just makes everything worst.It numbs the pain but then makes the pain even greater.
You said you did start to feel better after psych appointments but you then self sabatage which I can relate to.Do you think you could see one again and try .Maby talk about the self sabatage.I think I do it as I am scared to be happy.
Your life is worth something even if you don't see it right now and your son will need you in his life.You will see him again.
Take care,
Mark.

[quirkywords]

Jacqtee

I want to welcome you to the forum,

I can feel the pain a d frustration in your words.
I can’t imagine how upsetting it would be to be separated from your son and then to have a painful eye condition. Sophie and Mark have given you helpful suggestions.

I too used to self sabotage as I do remember trust things going well so I messed up.

I agree with Mark to explain to your psych so they can help.

many reading your post will have felt as down as you. You are not alone.

feel free to post here as much as you like.