Down the rabbit hole....again

[K_]

So I'd been doing really well (for nearly 12 months) and then all of a sudden I'm struggling to stay afloat - to survive. The thoughts of harm are creeping back, I'm paranoid, overwhelmed, exhausted. In a most bizarre situation yesterday, a Manager of a drive-through store took it upon herself to verbally abuse me. There has been a bit of an ongoing minor saga over something petty - my store 'membership' number. I'd been putting it down to her having a bad time, struggling with something, etc - I don't know. Until yesterday when she went off! I've never been rude to her but she doesn't believe me that the app doesn't work on my phone. So I don't handle confrontation well and now my brain is telling me I need to harm myself - I haven't harmed myself in over 6 years but now I'm feeling on the edge. I hate that she is stuck in my head and they am doubting my own character - having lived through domestic violence, the confrontation has triggered the self-doubt and self-flagellation. Why do I always come back her?! Despite what people say, it's harder each time not easier (just because I've pulled myself out of the rabbit hole so many times before).

[Guest_4643]

Hello K*, welcome.

I'm so sorry, I hope you don't end up SH and that you're safe, we're here for you. Like you, I take even the smallest things seriously and get very upset and triggered, so you're not alone there. I'm sorry that person was rude to you, that's their problem, nothing you did. I'm sorry you feel really suicidal and like harming yourself because of somebody rude. Are you safe?

[Sophie_M]

Hi K*, 

We are very sorry to hear that you are struggling to deal with the confrontation that you had with the Store Manager yesterday.  We recognise that it is very difficult you for you deal with their reaction and that it's taking its toll on you.  It sounds like it was such a little thing to get such a large reaction to the issue at hand and you are left feeling the pain of this conversation.  We acknowledge that you are so much pain that the temptation to self-harm has come back to you after many years and recognise that it must be very difficult to cope with this.  

We have contacted you privately to offer you support.  

We would strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

You are not alone, the community is here to support you.  Please continue to check in on the forum.  

 

[K_]

Thank you for taking the time to respond to me. I am safe. I had a phone consult and that helped a lot. I appreciate you reaching out to me - you're very kind.

[K_]

Thank you so much for your time and support when I needed it most. You helped me get through the night and although I'm not out of the hole, I'm safe and feeling calmer at this stage.

[Guest_4643]

You're welcome K*, and thank you. I'm glad you're safe.