New here, not sure why

probablynotworthit · ‎22-12-2020

Hello all,

First of all i'm not really sure why i am writing this, i think at this point is more for me so i can actually try & make sense of my thoughts and why i feel and think like i do. I am male 43 y.o.

I think it would be fair to say I had a rough childhood, ever since i can remember my father was physically, verbally, mentally & emotionally abusive. I was always told that i wasn't good enough & nothing i ever did was good enough. So i guess that is where all this started.

So after struggling through my 20's with my issues, maybe that's a stretch, apart from being shy i think i had a fairly normal 20's, but there was always something there always something that held me back from getting married, having kids etc. I think it was because i didn't want to be a terrible husband and terrible father like i experienced and i would always end relationships when it seemed like i could get engaged or have kids.

So, at 32 i met the most amazing woman who treated me like i had never been treated before, made me feel like the most important person in the world. A woman who listened to all problems and offered to help me find solutions and we did, i was happy.

I should mention that she already had 3 children from a previous marriage & didn't want more, which for me was fine because didn't want to have children because of the environment i was bought up in. So all was good for a few years and then one weekend after the kids had gone back to their fathers she got a phone call from him, apparently one of the girls had said i touched her inappropriately, I will say that i am innocent and the thought is abhorrent to me. To say i was devastated and shocked would be an understatement. I remember for a month i didn't speak a word to her, i guess i blamed her for bringing the kids into my house. So long story short, police were involved, statements made, and there was no evidence but i had an AVO put on me.

So after all that blew over and we were still together (per my request, i never had any further contact with her children) & life continues on im in therapy & on anti-depressants.

Fast forward to 18 months ago and we break up & i am alone & lonely, with no friends, no-one to talk to & i basically go to work come home sit on the lounge & cry & when i've had enough of that i go to bed and cry until i fall asleep & repeat.

I want to end it but i don't have the courage to do it, i dont even lock my doors anymore i lay in bed wishing someone would break in and kill me.

Sophie_M · ‎22-12-2020

Hey probablynotworthit, welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Thank you for sharing your story with us. We appreciate how open you have been and we hope we can offer some support and insight into your situation. We're so sorry to hear what you have gone through and can't imagine how devastating it would've been to receive such an accusation. We acknowledge that such a situation would've left you feeling emotionally drained. We're also sorry to hear how lonely you've been feeling and can hear how agonizing this has been. We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include: Lifeline - 13 11 14 / https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (online chat available 7pm-12am) and the Suicide Call Back Service - 1300 659 467.

And if you find yourself in a situation where you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should call 000 (triple zero).

Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

james1 · ‎23-12-2020

Hello probablynotworthit,

Welcome to the forums. I hope you are okay right now and I also would love to hear if you have any support from professionals or anyone else?

I understand you feel really lonely and I hope you can feel a little bit less lonely talking here with us. A lot has happened and it sounds like you're struggling a lot right now. I don't want to write too much because there's, I guess, so much we could talk about. But you started off by saying you hoped that writing would help you make some sense of your thoughts. How are you feeling now?

James

probablynotworthit · ‎23-12-2020

Thankyou for the info Sophie, i do have all those numbers, currently i am not seeing anyone or have any mental health support as much as i know i need to.

probablynotworthit · ‎23-12-2020

Hello James, i currently don't have anyone i can talk to. I did in a way make sense of why i feel like i do. I feel like i fail everyone including myself.

Sophie_M · ‎23-12-2020

Hi probablynotwithit,

Getting mental health support can sometimes feel like a big and even scary step to take, but it is something that can make a really big difference in our lives when we find a mental health professional that we feel like we can really talk to and work with.

I hope that you can keep checking in with us about how you are going, and that in the meantime our Support Service can be a really good starting point in terms of finding and learning more about mental health support. You might also find it helpful to have a look at our 'who can assist' page when you have time, as well.

Jstar49 · ‎23-12-2020

Hi P,

You are worth it.

I'm glad that you took the chance to come on the forums. I have found them so helpful, and ppl are really supportive and lovely, as I'm sure you'll find out.

It's terrible being lonely and not feeling like you have someone to turn to.

I can relate to what you shared about your father, and how damaging that is to one's whole being. It took me a long time to even recognise the emotional and verbal abuse from my dad, and how crippling it was.

Super devastating to hear of what your GF's daughter accused you of. That is the worst thing for a guy isn't it?

I know my H doesn't like being left alone with our daughter and her friends. He's worried about the thought of it. Not that he would do anything cos he absolutely wouldn't. But he's scared of that sort of an accusation. I can imagine it was really hard on your relationship.

Can I say tho, that the fact that you did have a relationship, with a lovely woman-ok it didn't work out, and how painful that is!- but that was you, you made that happen, with her. So you are capable of having a beautiful relationship again. I can understand how scary that thought would be, but you are worth it. I just wanted you to know that.

J*

smallwolf · ‎23-12-2020

When you said you have nobody to talk to... Was that in a professional sense or generally?

What sort of work do you do?

And what I am about to say is not really a suggestion ... In one of my jobs I am a parish administrator. Talk to all sorts of people. One morning I letting someone (a tradie) into the church who was going to do some work inside. I cannot remember how but we both started talking to each other about our MH issues etc. We were otherwise strangers. Conversations can happen...?

Of course, depending on the type of work this might be difficult.

One thing I can do is listen - not the same as in person but...

By the way... you allowed yourself to be vulnerable in posting here. That alone takes courage. Something to think about?

Peace to you, Tim