New here and depressed

[Guest_0682]

Hi,

don’t know how this will go.

But here it is!

Most of my 64 years of live I was trying finding out the source of pain, many of my peers and family and friends go through. I stood beside with help and encouragement and on many occasion things eased or disappeared.
Now after a series of tragic events in the last two years I found my self in an increasingly deeper hole. The thing I would know to do I can not perform. And the things I don’t want to do I find myself caught in it’s claws. Unable to free myself from these accusation against myself and others. I lost all interests in all things. I don’t have a will to live anymore and find myself constantly devising plans to end my live and make it look like an accident. For what should my loved ones bare any of it.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

I recently was shown or had it explained to me by my younger brother that my older sister was a Narcissist and it was fundamental to how she sees the world and people around her. I was a person to belittle condemn judge control and use. I shared a room with her and she was never nice to me. In front of parents she was ok but she made me feel so small and said terrible things to me. She got me in trouble and generally tortured me and I followed her like a dumb puppy. Occasionally I’d lash out and that was proof there was something wrong with me. I could go on with friends not being able to be in same room as her because of how she spoke to me and multiple ways she used me and trashed my name. But only just got it. Of course I am now dealing with the fallout out from multiple times and people that have used and abused me. The question I always had was what is wrong with me I try and be good and caring and show respect why does this happen. Training I was trained from childhood my role is to give and take the blame. I find it hard to cut off family members. I make excuses and forgive them. It seems so simple now but now I’m dealing with resisting my desire to forgive and have them in my life and I have real mental damage from the abuse. My mind and central nervous system is damaged and now I feel I’m able to get help. There are new treatments that go beyond cognitive therapy and talk therapy. I’m going to be taught how to turn down my flight or fight reactions. I’m hoping to do rapid eye therapy too but I’m far to vulnerable after a terrible incident that I experienced recently.
Im successful in my career and have a good marriage so outwardly I seem ok. Lol I’m currently on full fight or flight mode. Any noise or unexpected thing I’m a mess. I cried for months and that’s a lot better. Finding a psych doctor has helped

Im very inpatient and I want everything fixed now so it’s frustrating and I’m physically injured now I broke my foot and it’s a struggle but the physical injury has given me space to get help. I’m not getting pressure from anyone to be better now. My husband can’t understand why I’m missing a family member that threatened my safety and tried to destroy me. He’s healthy someone is unreliable or treat him badly he ignores them and never sees them, end of story.
We all have our own journeys and sometimes it takes people with a little distance to explain and point out what is really going on.

[Guest_0682]

Hi Chris,

sounds like my story what you where going through. My brother did and does exactly the same. I found he suffers from the Oedipus complex. The effects on me are just the same as for you I thought. I am a person who commits to people and find it hard to drop them even if the drop me etc. Needles to say people drop me often if I am no longer useful to them. Not a concept I can comprehend or understand. So it seems clear that disappointment is a re-accruing companion of my life. And if I think about that, I come to the conclusion that it is I who sets the expectation unconsciously.( I expected my brother should like me and treat me right.) And I know that expectation set both up for failure all the time. Accepting and knowing that I should be able to reset my expectation consciously since I set them unconsciously before. Re-train the way I think! Easier said than done I figure. But is seems the only way to get away from stinking thinking and survive. Like I said before, for me it is paramount to uncover the cause of a problem. Only than I can accept and own it in order to begin the change within me. Therefore it was me who set up the way I was thinking ,even if it is unconscious, that than means it is also in my power to change my thinking. And although this is hard and seemingly impossible, it is nevertheless now in my realm of authority and I can give myself permission to change. I am not depending on what my brother does or anyone else in order to feel right. I have to stop thinking, what others do can harm me. It only does if I give it permission. And these days I am a grumpy old fart and give no one permission to use me. All I have do is learn to be nice while grumpy and stop seeing me as a complete waist of space.
As I write to you I find it helps me to formulate my thought and bring them out there for me to read and correct my way of seeing things. I guess I have always been that way. I first look at me as the source of the problem. I think that is ok if done objectively, but more often than not, I fall into self condemnation. And that feels so terrible and leads me into depression and suicidal thoughts. How do I seperate the one from the other is my quest I guess.
Thanks for letting me write to you!

[Sophie_M]

Hi Guest_0682,

It sounds like you've come to the liberating realisation that you are in charge of your own thoughts and beliefs about things and about yourself. This insight will is very likely to assist you in your journey towards better mental health. We're glad that writing here helps you to see where you should be correcting your way of thinking. Many people find writing their thoughts down helpful in this way. 

We noticed that you mentioned suicidal thoughts. Please know that there are support services available during times when you are thinking this way. Please feel free to get in contact with our confidential support service. We have counsellors available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They can talk through these feelings with you and offer support, advice and referrals. Other services include Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

Again, we are so glad to hear that you find it helpful to post here, and we encourage you to continue doing so when you feel up to it.