My story

[NickHE]

Hi, I am here posting on this site because I'm not in a good place right now and I sort of feel like I should write my story down and maybe get a better headspace of where to go and what to do. I'm supposed to be meeting my brother to walk to the store later this evening and get some groceries for my first week back at work from having some time off. I'm sorta planning on taking that final step after I get home. Anyways, here's my story. I was born in a country called Zimbabwe and lived there till I was around 12. I never saw or experienced any, what I would call, traumatic events but I was just sort of used to living with burglar bars and parents having to sleep with guns near the bed. My relationship with my dad was good around this time, although he did use corporal punishment to discipline me. The worst was when he punished me when I broke a sliding-door window. We moved to Australia and I had to make new friends at school. The cool kids I wanted to be around weren't interested in doing work and I began to copy them. Dad was in a understandably stressful point in his life and my grades slipping ended up in a lot of hostility between us and in our home. Once during school holidays he got mad at me for changing the channel on the TV and abused me and said some hurtful things. Time passes, I move on but am still hurt about it. I meet a girl online, she lives in Norway and I start online dating with her. She has a hard family life. We used to talk on skype which dad would get angry about for keeping him awake (time zone difference). She was a self harmer and I sort of started doing it as well to express anger. Dad still doesn't know but I stopped several years ago. We were together for a year, I saved up enough from work to visit her. It was a very happy time. She cheated on me once I moved back because she needed the physical part of the relationship. I tried tinder and found a girl and started dating. She was a very bad influence, she got me into drugs, mostly marijuana but I tried harder stuff. I'm clean now. I just smoke cigarettes. She gave me a place to stay after dad man handled me again and I left home. Mom was very upset. The girlfriend moved to SA to live with her mom. I visited her even after she cheated on me. Her family let me still live with them. Her bro and I became really good friends. I found a new job closer to them. The brother's friends would come over every night.

[Sophie_M]

Hey NickHE, thanks for reaching out to this community. We understand it can be tough to post for the first time, so we are grateful you decided to even if you felt unsure. We're so sorry to hear that you're not in a good place at the moment. It sounds like you're looking for some hope and we hope that you find it here. Our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need. Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area. Many of our members have also been through a lot in their lives and will be able to talk through these feelings with you.  If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help support you.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi NickHE,

Welcome to Beyond Blue.

I think you'll want to continue your story but have reached the character limit!

No worries, just hit the red REPLY button to continue - I think you have a lot more to add...

Regards,

t.

[NickHE]

I tried that but it doesn't look like it's come through, I'll wait to see if it does.

[NickHE]

My post doesn't seem to have gone through so I'll type it out again and fingers crossed it won't double up

His friends would come over and help themselves to my stuff (cigarettes, weed, alcohol) and would party all the time and try to start fights to look tough or whatever. The brother who was my best friend joined in and started distancing himself from me. At the same time I was talking to his sister (also my exes sister) and we grew very close. She had a partner and a kid and we started to get a bit more romantic with our chats. I never slept with her but we did kiss once and sexted a couple times. I had just started at my new job and I started having an episode of psychosis. I believed I was an angel incarnated on earth to learn a lesson or help people or whatever which made me happy and gave me purpose for a while but when reality hit it affected my mental health a lot. I started getting very paranoid and thought everyone was laughing behind my back and hated me secretly. This made me ask for a transfer from work and I moved back into my parents house for 2 months. The sister unfriended me on facebook because I stopped talking to her and vice versa probably due to a lot of guilt on both parts. I lost a lot of friends and I have an incredibly hard time trusting people now. My current work is decent. I don't always enjoy it but I get a lot of praise and my manager is quite close to me. I try and talk to her about things but it feels impossible to always express my thoughts and not come across as being a bad person. I get jealous very quickly when she shows attention to other work mates and I often end up feeling used or that she is secretly tired of my mood swings and being down sometimes at work. I think that's mostly the gyst of it. I don't take any medication or see professional help. I did in the past but maybe because of my own stubbornness to just handle it and not be weak I want to be able to handle life without a crutch. My mom is the only thing that has kept me going as I can't imagine how hurt she would be if I left but sometimes I spend a lot of time weighing up the risks and damage it would do and ask if I can really keep going. I'm sorry if the previous post does come through and I just repeated myself but thanks whoever takes the time to read this. I hope that you have some hope in your life that keeps you moving forward. I'm gonna sit down and measure up my options and hopefully come to a conclusion that keeps me moving forward.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi NickHE,

From what I have absorbed, you sound like a decent guy mixed up in some unfortunate situations. Each time, you have shown the strength to remove yourself from harm, yet you have carried the trauma (from your childhood also) and found yourself losing faith in those around you, ultimately passing blame unjustly onto yourself.

As unpleasant as your past has been, I see a confident individual being tormented by memories. You are clearly a valued worker and your boss has taken you under her wing - this is great, and I would not be bothered by taunts from workmates as you develop your future.

Learning to dismiss bad influences takes courage as much as it requires practice - you don't want to shut people out, but you must observe your own boundaries for your self respect.

I'd like to hear more of your thoughts as I do need to read again in more detail. I think your 'solution' is not the rational path as you have so much to offer and build upon.

Regards,

t.

[NickHE]

I would describe myself as an agreeable person. To the point where I would rather stay quiet or pretend like I'm fine when inside there is a roil of anger and resentment and self pity. I've come to acknowledge that I am prideful in the sense that I want to "do it myself", and sometimes at work that means I shut away my colleagues and avoid asking for help or speaking up when I feel overloaded. I just had a week off of work to give myself a breather and only today I have had this deep sadness and rush of anxiety come over me. I know a lot of what happens in my head is not what is actually going on but I also struggle to fight it and let go. On a happier note, my dad and I are on speaking terms. I go and see them once a week to catch up and it's fine. But I don't believe I will ever be able to sit down and hash things out with him or bring up the past, nor do I want to. That part of my life is one of the many things that I can't get over and somedays it eats me up so much that I want out. I don't think I said it in the re-typed post but getting this all down has helped a little. I feel like I do have some strength to face tomorrow and at the end of the day whatever happens will happen.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi NickHE, (sorry, my last post came through after yours...)

"I would describe myself as an agreeable person. To the point where I
would rather stay quiet or pretend like I'm fine when inside there is a
roil of anger and resentment and self pity. I've come to acknowledge
that I am prideful in the sense that I want to "do it myself", and
sometimes at work that means I shut away my colleagues and avoid asking
for help or speaking up when I feel overloaded"

You seem to have a fine understanding of yourself and that is praiseworthy and a sign of character - you know what areas you want to improve (more than I am willing to acknowledge with myself at times!).

"I know a lot of what happens in my head is not what is actually going on but I also struggle to fight it and let go"

Your innate desire to hang on to thoughts may have been a coping mechanism for you when young - it's how we process trauma in a bid to avoid recurrence... ironically, as it only makes things worse. But you are no longer a child, and can learn new strategies to release unwanted thoughts and fears.

"my dad and I are on speaking terms. I go and see them once a week to
catch up and it's fine. But I don't believe I will ever be able to sit
down and hash things out with him or bring up the past"

Like it or not, your parents will always be thus. But the relationship, as you alluded to, transforms over time - you become not the child and the authority of the parent shifts in its impact on you (but not always from the parent's view!). You have a fine maturity to show this compassion - not need to dredge up past mistakes.

All that really matters is what you do tomorrow... and the next. What are your aspirations for the future?

Regards,

t.

[NickHE]

Getting a driver's license would be a start. It's something that I have been putting off for a long time and most people my age already have it. My current profession is one that I can conceivably do for many years, the pay is not high end but for a single person just paying rent and food it's fine. When I'm not having a good time at work I feel like I dug myself into a hole by committing myself to this profession and it would be more effort to start fresh and find a new line of work than it would be to just persist and keep at it. I work with animals and I enjoy that side to the job but it's also very stressful and I often don't eat until I get home because the day is too busy and I try to ensure my other work mates get their lunch break even if it means missing mine. I'm not an altruistic person and I have many many flaws but I know what it feels like so I don't want them to experience the same thing. I guess I don't really have a vision of where I see myself in 5 years time I just want to get through week by week.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi NickHE,

Yes, a driver's licence can be a ticket to freedom - just to escape for a while, or find some new places and people. Have you started lessons or got your 'learners' permit? I loved learning to drive, although my mum's footprints were firmly implanted on the passenger side floor throughout 😉

Having a secure job is priceless in today's strife, but you can also keep an eye out for options while you keep building your CV experience. But I like your attitude for contentment despite the intermittent lows (I think most jobs have that in some form).

No lunch is a bit of a concern, but you could always make a bigger breakfast or, if you're allowed to, keep a couple of snack bars in your pocket to much on. In my occupation, I rarely got to eat dinner until after 9.00pm - it sounds horrendous but I never had time to even think about it as I was too focused. I could compensate by sleeping and rising later, so it wasn't such a big deal for me.

Yep, one day at a time is enough to consider. I like to contemplate my direction and options (but rarely live by it) mostly just to ground myself in where I am as being where I want to be.

Do you have a social or sporting outlet to find work/life balance? Venting can take many forms? - dancing, soccer, wood/metal work, etc. can also provide a release.

Regards,

t.