Mixed feelings

[Guest_4593]

I promised myself i would stay off this and i would stop talking about how im feeling, but im just so overwhelmed right now, i can feel my anger boiling over right now even though half hour ago i was crying, i cant explain it but i just wanna physically hurt right now.. and i should just get a diary instead of writing on here but it helps me to write and feel like someone is actually, not listening but knows how i feel even though i don't no anyone
I dont wanna deal with this anymore and i dont know what to do about it . Im actually scared because i dont wanna hurt anymore but i dont wanna make anybody else hurt either

[monkey_magic]

Hi Nic1233,

Life doesn't have to be so dark, difficult and miserable.

When I drank life was dark.
Alcoholics Anonymous helped me a lot. I got to listen to others ppls entertaining stories, get support, laugh, and there were munchies, coffee and tea. I wouldn't have stopped drinking if it wasn't for AA.

I'm no longer in that dark place and don't want you to be in it either. I cried endlessly and irrationally in that place/ space.

Things can get slowly better.

Sorry to hear of what happened at work and that you self- harmed.

Do U have other ways of letting out your hurt and frustration?

Really hope U let some light into your being today.

You have the power within to create the change you want in your life.

[Ggrand]

Hello Nic1233,

I read your post and felt saddened to hear of your struggles..

I have never really drunk much alcohol through out my life..except when I was well made to drink..for someone else’s benefit....

I found out that the next morning I was really feeling unwell..Last year I will admit that I tried drinking to numb myself of my past..it did help me to sleep and forget for a while..then comes mornings, the headache, the guilt, the downing me...I think in my opinion only it made it so much worse for me...

Now when I’m in that dark place..I come here onto the forums and let it all out into my thread..it gets it out of my head as I say out loud what I’m writing...Do you think Nic that you could let out your frustrations and dark thoughts out..here on your thread before you self medicate?..it just might help you..even if it helps a little..it’s a small step forward..and because we all care about you and you matter to us..their will generally always someone to chat to you...

Thats okay about not allowed to chat to us about your work..If you feel up to it you can always and are very welcome to chat to us about your thoughts, your frustrations and how your doing..We will be here listening and hopefully able to support you..

Not sure if you have or not Nic..Is it possible for you to talk to your gp about your thoughts and feeling..Your gp can help you..by setting up a Mental Health Care Plan...or if you think you need to some information about AA..Please Nic, you matter to us and if you can try as hard as you can, to be very gentle to yourself..

Sitting next to you Nic...here for you when you feel up to talking...

Sending you my kindest wishes, care and hugs..

Grandy..

[Guest_4593]

Thanks magic monkey , glad you got better

[Guest_4593]

Thank you grandy

[Guest_4593]

Ok im gonna risk my job because i wanna talk ( in private and hope this never goes past here) a young child lost there life and i sat and played with the younger siblings of this child without any knowledge till later that they were the siblings and im angry, im angry a child died im angry that i was hanging out with those kids and i wasn't informed that there sibling died. I understand confidentiality but when there under my watch what happens when i say something that damages them ..im feeling a whole lot of anger right now at so many different things and i dont know were to put this anger and well im angry

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nic 1233

I am so pleased that you have opened up to share the burden of what is playing on your mind. It is a very safe space here and I don't think what you have shared will impact your job. I think that is the joy of this forum in that people are anonymous and can share person detail without impacting careers, family, friends and the community, there are things that we need to get out of our heads and off our chest and to have people to chat with and I hope that I can support you through your feelings on this pain and anger.

When I first read your post the first thing I thought was, how wonderful for those small children that in a time when they mostly have not a clue as to what is happening they had someone to interact with them at their level, that there was someone that while a "fuss" was going on that someone was playing with them and giving them some time. It is hard to think about this from a child's brain but those two little children don't know the pain of death, they don't know the pain of what it must be like to have your child pass away, they don't know about what their parents and family are feeling. What they do know is that someone was playing with them and giving them some time and some genuine connection at a time when there was a lot of people at the house (I am guessing here). So the fact that you didn't know, while I can hear it has made you angry and a piece of information that as you say, would have been helpful to know, can I ask you if you would have interacted with those kids any differently? I would suggest not. You are an intelligent man and a very caring person from what I can gather just talking here with you, the fact that you got down to play with these kids is wonderful and you did it with integrity and with kindness for two children who needed some time, irrelevant of the situation.

I can understand your anger around the lack of communication and you are having a hard time processing the "what if's", what if you had of said this or what if you had of said that..but I think both your intelligence and your emotional intelligence and your ability to read the situation covered you in that situation. You did what they needed and you let your instinct guide you. You did an amazing job.

This may be some feed back to your superior for future reference how that situation made you feel. They may not have thought to communicate this with you and a simple oversight has left you feeling angry.

Huge hugs to you Nic1233

Sarah

[Guest_4593]

Thx Sarah. Actually very good advice... i was just gonna leave this chat . (End of story) but i don't know, i just wanted u to know i was out.. sorry for all u have been through and thanks for being a positive ear for me i wish u all the best with ur troubles and continue to help ur very good at it

[geoff]

Hello Sarah, and a wave to Nic, I am so deeply sorry for the loss of your brother and also with your mum.

You have contributed so much on the forums in helping other people and now it's time for you to mourn, take some time away so you can cope with these most unnecessary occasions.

My heart falls for you and I wish you all the very best in this time of sorrow.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Nic1233

I am sad to hear that you are thinking about leaving the chat.. however I understand and I appreciate the chance to say “see you later”...it is good to sometimes take a small break for talking and constantly thinking... just know you are cared for here and are ALWAYS welcome back. I hope you have gained a few tools to put in your bag to help you through the tough times Nic1233, and that you know how much you matter and are needed.

Thank you for you support to me. I have greatly appreciated it.

Hope to chat to you some more but if not... the pleasure was mine.

Hugs to you Nic1233

Sarah

[Aaronsis]

Thank you so very much Geoff and the support I have on the forum has helped more than I can say.

It has been a 12 months like no other and to say it is devastating is light... but I have so much support and have some great things in my life...just taking each day at a time.

Ince again Geoff.. thank you x

Hugs

Sarah