Lost

[bek75]

Can anyone else relate to thoughts in your head telling you ‘ I’m done’?

[Croix]

Dear Bek~

Yes, I have felt exactly that way. I kept getting worse at work until I could function no more, then invalided out and sat at home. I actually had a home, and a family, and was not going to starve but it all meant nothing. 

I'd been ground down by black negative thougts and an increasing desire to take my life. After all there  was (as I thought) nothing left and I had no energy to keep struggling on with nothing in the future, just exhaustion. I believed I was walled in and trapped. No escape.

Perhaps my feeling was the same as what you are experiencing now. Do you think you might like to say more about your life and what you have been trying to cope with?

As you will have worked out I"m still here and talking to you. Things have improved out of sight or me and I'd wish the same for you.

I hope we talk some more

Croix

[therising]

Hi bek

It's incredible how 2 words can sum up so much, so many thoughts, beliefs and mixed emotions. The fact you've reached the point where these 2 words are what come to mind reflects how you just can't tolerate much more. I feel so deeply for you while knowing, from personal experience, how impacting these words can be in so many ways.

While these words have come to mind for me on a number of occasions, they were strongest on a day in my life where they overwhelmed me into taking action. I'm glad I failed in that action. It would be some years before I finally came out of that depression and when I did, I came to understand the words a little better. The sentence was never finished, that sentence that begins with 'I'm done...'. When certain revelations all line up they can become so intensely depressing but they still remain revelations to look at more closely. For example, 'I'm done tolerating people who just don't put their heart and soul into finding what will make all the difference to me'. Questions become 'Why don't/won't/can't they? Do they need to be challenged more? Do they need to be led to feel more deeply?' etc. 'I'm done with all this depressing internal dialogue'. Questions can involve 'How did it come into being? What triggers it? Why can't I find ways of managing the volume and frequency with which it comes?' etc. 'I'm done feeling this way' can become 'Why am I feeling life this way? How are feelings actually meant to work? Are my feelings telling (telling me something that I need to know)? What are they trying to tell me?'.

For me, the biggy was 'I'm done living (as this person)'. This one becomes the biggest challenge based on the question that follows...'If I'm not this person I've always believed myself to be then who am I?' Who am I beyond the depression and all its traits, beyond all the beliefs that were never mine to begin with (those that are put into our head beginning from day one), beyond the job that I hate, beyond my name, my age, my gender, beyond the meds that never worked etc? Who am I really? When this questioning began for me, it also began with the overwhelming revelation...I have absolutely no idea. I guarantee, when you begin to find out, you will definitely be amazed by who you naturally are, above and beyond all that keeps you down.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Bek

Yes I can relate. My life stresses have piled up over many years and I’ve really felt I’m done over the past two years particularly. I’ve actually had a bad few days that have collapsed me back into that place, hence I’m back reading threads in this section myself looking for answers.

 I think what I’ve learned in this state is that, although it might feel like it, it’s not the whole of you that wants to give up. It’s parts of you that just feel so big right now that they squash out the parts that still have hope, resilience etc.

Sometimes by breaking it down, as The Rising was saying, we might find what it is that we’re done with in particular. In my case that might be “I’m done with grief, chronic health issues, denial of abuse in my extended family, relationships that are draining” etc. It may start to feel more manageable when you can see specific reasons for feeling done and then there are options to explore for handling those issues.

But, yes, at times it feels overwhelming and like you’ve had enough. I take some strength from hearing that Croix and the Rising have been in that place and greatly improved. I’ve found remembering the transient nature of things can help, in that sometimes bad feelings can feel permanent but like all things they are in flux. Certain things help me to feel reconnected to life, such as feeling the breeze on my face through the window and seeing small birds enjoying my garden. I think grounding and reconnecting through the senses can help.

Feel free to share more about how you’re feeling if it helps.