Losing Hope...

SlipperySlope · ‎25-10-2020

I don’t really know where to start with this post but I’m spiraling down rapidly and really losing hope... I have a long history of treatment resistant depression, self harm and an eating disorder... spent about 5 years pretty much living in a mental health facility receiving treatment in forms of different medications, ECT, TMS, nasogastric feeding, CBT, DBT... but then I broke out of the hospital cycle, did a masters degree and have been working in an amazing job for almost 2 years... BUT I’m April last year my eating disorder relapsed... i have been receiving outpatient support with a psychologist and my GP as I have continued to work. My depression had been manageable... however over the last 3 months I have rapidly spiralled both with eating disorder and depression... my psychologist really wants me to have an admission but I have been refusing. Suicidal thoughts are getting intense again and my mood is terribly flat, lots of crying... I’m starting to think I need an admission for safety but I can’t afford to not work... and I’m not sure if I can get leave and concerned of work finding out... I’m at a loss and really losing hope... it feels like the only way out is to end it all...

Sophie_M · ‎25-10-2020

Hey SlipperySlope,

Thank you so much for posting here tonight. We are so glad you have reached out. We are so sorry to hear you’re struggling with these distressing thoughts and feelings of hopelessness at the moment. It sounds like the last three months have been very difficult for you. We are glad to know you have a psychologist working with you. We have also reached out to you privately to help you through this.

You sound like a person of great strength and courage. Working with treatment resistant depression is incredibly challenging and you have continued to show up for yourself over the years which speaks volumes about your ability to persevere. As well, you completed a Masters degree and found a job you love which are no small feats. We hope you can see your courage and talents. We can hear you are very concerned about your work situation. May we ask if you have let your psychologist know about the degree of distress that you have been experiencing in the last three months? Your wellbeing is the most important thing right now and we are here for you. You are in a safe, non-judgmental space in our wonderful online forums with people who can share their words of wisdom and encouragement with you.

Please remember that if at any point you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).

We want you to know that even though it feels hopeless and bleak at the moment, that there is always hope and support available. Do keep posting here to let us know how you are doing when you feel up to it.

Warm regards,

Modsupport

SlipperySlope · ‎25-10-2020

My psychologist and GP both know and are monitoring me quite closely. I know my psychologist ideally wants me to have an admission. Initially it was for my eating disorder but now it is also for the intense suicidal thoughts... it’s just difficult with work... I have a new mortgage so can’t afford leave without pay. And don’t have heaps of sick leave. It is hard to get annual leave straight away because rosters are already done for the next two months... I’m not sure I would make a number of months... tonight I’m struggling to even picture days... so I’m lost for having any options

tranzcrybe · ‎25-10-2020

Hi SlipperySlope,

If you don't mind, I would like to suggest some options...

You have mortgage, job, and health to put into perspective and prioritise what matters most.

Health (- highest of all): your health will be with you for many many years and a great number of things shall pass/change over that time;
Job : you are well educated with your Master's degree, and eminently employable; the dedicated 2 years will add up to more than the sum of your leave entitlements. Also, you would be seeking medical leave (not discretionary) so this may be considered differently. Why do you feel your employer should not know?
Mortgage : Talk to your mortgage provider. Can you pay 'interest only' for a while? - they are usually happy to help (as it means higher returns by extending the loan period). Alternatively, you can always sell and hopefully receive some net benefit to cover losses, or instead take in a roomie until finances recover after sick leave runs out. Don't forget, claiming some superannuation can help bridge the gap.

Times are tough for you right now, but your particular thoughts will deprive you of too much that you have accomplished (and are yet to discover). You can always :-

change where/how you live,
find another job, and
get the help you need for your mental rehabilitation.

Although uncomfortable to accept some things, all is not lost - in fact you may emerge stronger from the experience.

Regards,

t.

SlipperySlope · ‎28-10-2020

Unfortunately that is all so much easier said than done... there is a massive stigma around mental health particularly in the high stress environment I work in... them knowing may make them question my ability to work... or completely change the way they see me. Taking emergency leave for me is quite difficult to access due to rostering and shift work... for me to get emergent leave approve it is likely I would need to tell them why it is needed... my mortgage is a new mortgage so I’m not so sure the bank would be very flexible... I can’t change my living situation as part of my first home owners grant requires me to live in my own home for the first year and am not allowed to lease anything out...

my friend emailed my psychologist so I’m a little worried about what my next appointment on Friday will hold for me... scared even...

geoff · ‎28-10-2020

Hello SlipperySlope, tranzcrybe has made some good points, but I understand your position.

Anybody who is able to can take out a loan to buy a house, car or for any reason but we don't know what tomorrow's events will happen, no one can predict it, even though we believe what's going to happen, we can't be certain, so the bank will be open for discussion, there are many different options to choose from.

You know CEO's have different mental issues and are not able to repeal the power of it, so you might have an understanding boss who knows what you are going through.

Your health and wellness is the main priority here, so there are different ways to help you overcome this.

Take care.

Geoff.

White_Rose · ‎28-10-2020

Dear SlipperySlope

Hello and thanks for telling us your story. I understand your dilemma about asking for leave and possibly telling your employer why. If you take three days leave or more you are required to give your employer a certificate from your doctor to say you need X days off. Your doctor does not need to put your diagnosis on the certificate. I think your GP will be well aware of your reasons for wanting non-disclosure and will certainly know how to word the certificate. Often they just write "a medical condition".

I imagine by now you will have accrued some annual leave and can ask for that. After two years in the job you should have accrued several weeks. It may mean waiting until your employer grants this leave but again there is no need to say why you want leave. It's a normal sort of request. This may be your best plan if you can hold on for a couple of weeks until your leave is approved. Your employer does not have the right to demand personal information. I hope this helps.

How do you feel about going back into hospital? I mean apart from taking leave etc. If I had just bought a house I would be devastated to have to sell it not long after. Would a stay in hospital help at all do you think? You have done so well staying out f hospital and making a new life for yourself. It takes a lot of courage and determination to turn your difficulties around. You have been doing well.

It is a normal cycle with depression etc. to have good times and bad times. It doesn't seem fair I know after all your hard work to start again. I don't think we do need to start from the beginning again. You know what has happened and you are taking positive steps to get well again. That is enormous progress. It is normal to slip back a little. So if you think a couple of weeks in hospital will why not do so. Can you ask your HR department how much leave you have? You can then make decisions knowing the whole picture.

Please keep in touch with us.

Mary

tranzcrybe · ‎28-10-2020

Hi SlipperySlope,

Thanks for providing clarity - it seems counterproductive in a high stress job to not consider the importance of good mental health, if not for the sake of the employee, then for the impact on productivity. Do you have an HR department to ascertain what protections are in place? "Them knowing" may send a message of their obligations to support their workers...

Fair point about the FHO scheme, but sharing a room or two may not breach your agreement (as opposed to sub-letting, or renting outright) - would you no longer qualify if you found a partner instead? I'd look into the fine print on this.

Banks: "I'm not sure..." is not the same as "They have told me..." - make enquiries, you may be surprised once you explain your circumstances, especially with the covid impact.

There seems to be quite a bit of assuming going on here - I would encourage you to ascertain facts to know where you stand. Why would you consider your mental illness any differently to having a broken arm? Ignoring either will leave you worse off in the long run.

Kind regards,

t.