its getting more difficult

[Guest_25542213]

Hi, never thought that I would next to post something in beyond blue or something similar but I think after almost 2 decades I’m at my breaking point finally. Im a male, grew up with the mantra that “boys don’t cry”, growing up I was bullied relentlessly, the type that never had friends not being able to talk to anyone about it, as the school would put the blame on me (yes the school put the blame on me) so some times the only option was self harm. During this time I became good at hiding my emotions and feelings and these days I have mastered it. When I left school something came out about a teacher. (Took me years to realise that I was in fact being groomed) as you can imagine depression and more self harm ensued.

Fast forward a few years, scars heal and slowly feel better. A relationship opened my eyes up, that I don’t deal with emotion too well and I am truely a lonely person, even if there are other people around me. It’s like I don’t connect on the same way length as others. Rough breakup, leads to more mental issues + self harm.

Move forward 6 or 7 years and things start to look better, get married and enjoy life a little bit. Join a volunteer Fire Brigade love every minute of it. Things move along nicely, but I started to keep a diary as I noticed in my self that I have high highs and the absolute lowest of lows and haven’t quit worked out if I’m bipolar or not yet.

But move on to current day, I feel as though I am at my lowest possible low. I constantly feel numb, I feel out of place and I question my point of existence. I feel ignored and un-noticed and lonely, all of the time. I have days where they are really good then the emotions come crashing down and feel horribly low and it’s difficult to pick that back up. When I volunteer time to the brigade and local community, I feel great, working on a trail,  I feel great. The moment I get in my car to go home that low hits hard. Im posting here because I feel ashamed to talk to anyone, I worry that if I talk a professional, I will get a label that will make me end up in some psych ward somewhere. It’s been a hot minute since I have self harmed, it’s defiantly been on my mind of late. They say that life starts in your 30’s but it feels like it’s ending. There is more I would add here but might keep it here for now .

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you as you face a level of consciousness that sounds to incredibly challenging, in so many different ways. I think what can make such a big difference in our life is when we can connect with people who can relate to what we're conscious of or gradually becoming conscious of. In regard to just about everyone else, it can feel a little like they're saying in one way or another 'You just need to stop being conscious of that and get on with life' or 'Stop trying to analyse the hell out of everything'. Stuff along those lines. In regard to that 2nd one, it seems kind of logical that we'd want to analyse the hell out of life, so that what's left feels more like heaven on earth. If heaven on earth is the goal, what can you say?

From my own experience I'd say life really did begin in my 30s. I came out of long term depression at 35 and suddenly woke up to a whole stack of things I was never conscious of before. Since then and up to now at 54, I can say that waking up has also come with some depressing side effects on occasion. We never stop waking up or suddenly stop becoming more conscious, as long as we're in the process or evolving or graduating to new and higher levels of awareness. As a sensitive gal, I think the most helpful of revelations for me involves acknowledging we can perhaps sense much better than others in a number of ways. This puts a whole different spin on sensitivity (the ability to sense easily and sometimes more deeply than others). So, you could say 'It's not my fault I can feel a shut down, a put down or any other kind of down. Me being able to sense/feel those things relates to my ability'. How to master sensitivity like a pro comes with many challenges, some fascinating and some incredibly testing to say the least.

Being on a different wavelength from a lot of people also comes with challenges. For example, if no one around us is on a particular wavelength it can feel incredibly lonely at times, experiencing it on our own. This factor can definitely dictate the quality or our relationships. The ability to come down to depressing levels, through the emotions of empathy, compassion etc, means being able to gain a better feel for a person's struggle. Some people just don't want to come out of a high (shift wavelengths), in order to feel for us, or they don't have the ability to come into a depressing low in order to gain a better feel for what someone's going through. And with our wavelengths being inclined to change dramatically for one reason or another, we can feel from one end of the emotional spectrum to the other (from extreme highs to extreme lows). How fast we shift, the frequency in which we shift and the volume of emotion involved (aka 'energy in motion') will depend on our triggers.

If life begins in our 30s, perhaps the question becomes 'What kind of life is now beginning?'. If it's a life that involves a fascinating and challenging trip down the rabbit hole of self understanding and self mastery, I've found such a trip has got to include some really solid guides with inspirational and enlightening directions because it can get pretty dark down there at times. I should add, there are also some thoroughly illuminating and truly amazing parts to that rabbit hole.

[Guest_29259024]

Hi,

This is my first time posting on this forum too - but after reading your post, I really wanted to reply.

I personally don’t have experience relating to what you’ve been going through, though it sounds as though my younger brother had a very similar experience to you and how you’ve described your highs/lows. I can’t offer any better insights than TheRising has below, but I just wanted to tell you to please not feel ashamed.

I wish I had the opportunity to have talked through these feelings with my brother and the ability to help him more directly. I promise you that your wife and those in your life (as it sounds as you have many people who care for you) would love to be able to be there for you, if you give them the chance to show up for you. Talking to a professional is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of either, and they won’t lock you up in a ward - although I can understand how that would be a very real fear.

Based on what you wrote it sounds as though you have so much to live for and provide so much to those around you and your community. Give them the opportunity to do the same for you, you’re not in this alone.

all the best